I read a blog this week written by a woman who is planning a homebirth. She is very excited and plans to connect with her Inner Goddess and anticipates having a Beautiful, Satisfying and Empowering Experience.
Well...I tell you...that sent me straight for my emergency supply of Hersheys Kisses and Jack Daniels.
I morosely shoveled HK in my mouth while simultaneously chugging my medicinal beverage and sadly realized that my Inner Goddess is a pretty lame ol' beyotch.
Suddenly I sat straight up in my chair, nearly upsetting my delicious treats, and realized that I, too, have connected with that IG---MANY MANY TIMES.
Instead of a natural childbirth, I've had NATURAL CRAMPS!!
Suddenly all those hours in a hot bath clutching my insides and cursing vigorously as demons assaulted my tender uterus had a whole. new. meaning.
Ladies! You too can connect with the mysterious and beautiful forces of nature without squeezing a 8 pound blob of protoplasm sans pain relief from your beautiful feminine parts!!!!
First of all, throw away that Midol. As your ankles swell from water retention, simply meditate and call on the forces of nature. Perhaps a Wiccan dance in the woods while chanting ancient runes would be appropriate. For you have a very, very special experience in your near future.
Secondly, as your dainty feminine parts start to gush like a bloody oil well that just hit, eschew all Motrin, Tylenol, Mary Jane, Jack Daniels, and Morphine.
You may drink a cup of herbal tea.
Get in the bathtub and meditate on the beautiful spiritual experience that is happening to you. As the pain increases, simply chant "I love Mother Earth. I am empowering my Inner Goddess. I do not mind that malevolent elves are removing my uterus lining with rusty knives."
Although it's certainly tempting, please try to avoid beating your male partner about the face and shoulders with a tire iron as cramps wrack your body. My lawyer will not let me comment any further on this...I simply caution, purely hypothetically, that serious criminal charges may ensue.
By this time you should be literally aglow with enlightenment. As the pain gradually fades to a dull ache, realize that you are a better person, spiritually, emotionally, and physically.
What? You mean that the difference in NCbirth and NCramps is that something productive is produced?
I BEG YOUR PARDON.
Would you like to see the blood clots the size of a baby (ahhh!)'s fist that I've produced over the years?
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7 comments:
Kumbayah!!!!
If I ever do get pregnant, I will have a scheduled C-Section and only wish they could knock my ass out completely.
I am in touch with my IG, thank you very much!
I have a cousin who has a very popular blog about homebirth and homeschooling. She fucking hates me because I am adament about a scheduled C-Section. She fills up baby pools with water and delivers her babies at home with no medical intervention. She doesn't mention the fact that she and her husband are so busy being "artists" they are poorer than church mice and they count on everyone else to bail their sorry asses out of poverty. But, by damn, she is in touch with her Goddess and I'm not.
Oops, sorry, guess this is a touchy subject for me.
I LOVE YOUR BLOG!
Give your family my love.
Take care, Goddess Majesty.
Damn good tips!
Will definitely use them next month.
ROFLMAO!!! You are one sick puppy, Lorrie!
My inner goddess can stay the hell away. I'll take the Jack Daniels. But make mine Southern Comfort.
The whole natural childbirth thing eludes me, but then, I wanted an epidural in the third month. Strangely, no one would give me one. Bastard male doctors.
Reminds me of the bit in the Wayans Bros movie where the hero's g/f is waylayed by the thugs in the middle of a REEEEALLY bad period. She turns around, hair all sticky-outy and eyes whited-out with contact lenses looking like a Wes Craven character.
Thug: "Whoa, girl! You got the devil in you!"
G/F (thunderous Exorcist basso): "NO...CRAMPS! I ASKED YOU NICELY TO LEAVE ME ALONE...NOW I'LL HAVE TO RIP YOUR BALLS OFF"
Sweetmarymotherofgod! There's days I wake up thankful that God is clearly a man, since no IG (or OG for that matter) would have thought this up.
Makes you question the whole "intellent design" thing when you think about the idea of designing an organism to pass something the size of a melon through an oriface normally the size of a peach.
Drugs. Drugs are good.
My friend Kim and I attended a "maidenhood" ceremony, a supposed re-creation from ancient matriarchal societies wherein having your period was beautiful, blessed thing, the first step on the path of maiden/mother/crone.
Actually, it was pretty cool, and we got all teary-eyed and stuff. But whenever one of us complains of cramps, the other says, in the woo-woo NewAge voice of the ceremony's organizer "Now, that's not very goddessy of you. LOVE your flow."
She also gave us each a candle, a seven-day one to burn the entire time we had our next period after the ceremony. OK, dude, lady, maiden, my husband freaks if I burn candles for more than an HOUR if I'm IN THE ROOM! And my friend was staying with her grandparents at the time, and her grandfather was A FIRE CHIEF!
I guess the Goddess would keep the cats from knocking it over and setting the house on fire.
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