Let Me Explain Amy Chau To You

I finished high school a year early.

I won an academic scholarship to college.

I finished college a year early, magna cum laude, Phi Beta Kappa.

I played piano at concert level.

I finished law school a year early.  (Note that I am not discussing my GPA! lol).

I took the Bar exam three weeks after my 23rd birthday.

I risked my life driving to work on icy roads on those "well...maybe I should, maybe I shouldn't drive" days.

I DID NOT TAKE ONE DAY OF MATERNITY LEAVE.

READ THAT AGAIN.

I DID NOT TAKE ONE DAY OF MATERNITY LEAVE.

(except the time it took to travel to China)

I became ill with a disease that I did nothing to cause...fibromyalgia.

I kept working anyway.

I lost my job because of fibromyalgia.

I am on disability retirement. 

I feel completely worthless, depressed, useless, and pathetic.

Even as I type this I'm wondering what a future employer will think.  Hello future employer!!!  Do not worry.  If I am able to work again, you will get 150%.

Cheerfully.

You grow up identifying yourself with achievement and when it all comes crashing down through no fault of your own, you feel......how can I say it?   Worse than horrible?  Worse than depressed?  Like you don't deserve to take up space on the planet?

Did my parents push me?

Yes.

Were they cruel about it?

No, they felt I had the chops to do well, and expected me to do well.

Are you pushing your children?

They take violin and have straight A averages, but I do not insult them, nor do I force them to spend all their time on "worthwhile" pursuits.  The TV is on, playdates are 3-4 days a week, video games are fine, and they are allowed plenty of time to just BE.

My oldest motivates herself to do well because she was born that way.  I have never once told her to study.  Or practice the violin. She does it because she is addicted to the praise and rewards that teachers have showered on her since she was 2 years old and because the fact that Billy made a 100 in Algebra I and she made a 99 infuriates her.  (high school subjects in 7th grade).  


She is me all over again, as I've said before.

My youngest responds to:  If you do well, you will make us so happy.  

How can I prevent them from feeling like I do today?  I don't know.   I love the awards, the certificates, the paychecks.   I don't feel worthy as a human being if I'm not doing something.  It just so happens that the somethings I enjoy have absolutely nothing to do with growing a tomato plant or cooking a great dish.

I don't know the answers but I'm interested in trying to find them. 
Amy Chau