I read a blog this week written by a woman who is planning a homebirth. She is very excited and plans to connect with her Inner Goddess and anticipates having a Beautiful, Satisfying and Empowering Experience.
Well...I tell you...that sent me straight for my emergency supply of Hersheys Kisses and Jack Daniels.
I morosely shoveled HK in my mouth while simultaneously chugging my medicinal beverage and sadly realized that my Inner Goddess is a pretty lame ol' beyotch.
Suddenly I sat straight up in my chair, nearly upsetting my delicious treats, and realized that I, too, have connected with that IG---MANY MANY TIMES.
Instead of a natural childbirth, I've had NATURAL CRAMPS!!
Suddenly all those hours in a hot bath clutching my insides and cursing vigorously as demons assaulted my tender uterus had a whole. new. meaning.
Ladies! You too can connect with the mysterious and beautiful forces of nature without squeezing a 8 pound blob of protoplasm sans pain relief from your beautiful feminine parts!!!!
First of all, throw away that Midol. As your ankles swell from water retention, simply meditate and call on the forces of nature. Perhaps a Wiccan dance in the woods while chanting ancient runes would be appropriate. For you have a very, very special experience in your near future.
Secondly, as your dainty feminine parts start to gush like a bloody oil well that just hit, eschew all Motrin, Tylenol, Mary Jane, Jack Daniels, and Morphine.
You may drink a cup of herbal tea.
Get in the bathtub and meditate on the beautiful spiritual experience that is happening to you. As the pain increases, simply chant "I love Mother Earth. I am empowering my Inner Goddess. I do not mind that malevolent elves are removing my uterus lining with rusty knives."
Although it's certainly tempting, please try to avoid beating your male partner about the face and shoulders with a tire iron as cramps wrack your body. My lawyer will not let me comment any further on this...I simply caution, purely hypothetically, that serious criminal charges may ensue.
By this time you should be literally aglow with enlightenment. As the pain gradually fades to a dull ache, realize that you are a better person, spiritually, emotionally, and physically.
What? You mean that the difference in NCbirth and NCramps is that something productive is produced?
I BEG YOUR PARDON.
Would you like to see the blood clots the size of a baby (ahhh!)'s fist that I've produced over the years?
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