yeah, they bonded

I've been reading some of the depressing stories of adoptees failing to bond. Regardless of the Fibromyalgia demon that I am currently battling, I am so lucky, so blessed, so filled with joy. We have two kids who are fully bonded. Happy kids. Bright, laughing, sweet, kind, normal kids. So, so lucky. And my heart goes out to all the parents who didn't. It was just fate, karma, luck of the draw, God, who knows?

ATTENTION AL GORE!!!

HERE IS THE REASON FOR GLOBAL WARMING.

ps. You can click on it to see the picture in its full, horrifying-yet-strangely-fascinating glory.

Oh Blogger, PLEASE LET ME UPLOAD SOME PICTURES

We had a lovely Christmas if you don't count the fact that I had some sort of "achy flu" stuff that kept me in bed most of the day.

I've got a buncha pictures but Blogger is being a twit and won't let me upload them. Please stand by as we are experiencing technical difficulties.

Back as soon as Blogger cooperates. I want to load the gaudy house picture. I guess I'll see if Picasa will let me in (I managed to get this one to upload through Picasa)

luvyakthksbye

Santa Claus Is Kind Of A Jerk

A friend sent me this card in 1985, and it cracked me up. Hope your Santa (if you have one coming to your house) behaves better.

I Can Haz Puppy For Christmas? HECK NO.

Nope, not ours. The puppy is named "Bardi" after Vince Lombardi. It belongs to our next door neighbors but of course I had to get the camera out. We're busy Christmas shopping and closet organizing but I found something in my closet I want to talk about. It's my old Show n' Tell from 1966. Anybody remember them? Did you know that you can get light bulbs for them even though GE doesn't sell them anymore? Email me if you're interested for details.

Back in a flash, but now I must dash to the mall. Love to go shopping at the mall when my presents are all bought, strolling around feeling smug and superior. Come to think of it, I USUALLY feel that way. Hmmm. Maybe I should work on being more humble for 2008. Hmmm..

Anyway cultr kthks luvyabye, Jane.

P.S. Miss Cellania, the thought of stopping Meredith's ballet lessons makes me feel just, well, awful. I wanted to see my daughters dance toe solos because I never got to. Yeah, I know, bad reason for my fanaticism on the subject. Kris, I hear ya. She really does like them when she gets there, she just likes to complain. And she's really into estate planning. Yesterday while at Lowe's she asked Roger if she would get his tools when he died. Cracked up a bunch of shoppers.

So, Are You Dead Yet?

Meredith: How long do I have to take ballet?
Me: Well, I know you prefer soccer, but ballet helps you with athletics. Did you know that even football players sometimes take ballet? Ballet helps you be graceful and that will help you with your athletic plans...
Meredith (interrupting) : Excuse me Mom, but when you die, can I stop taking ballet?
Me: Yes.
Meredith: So, when are you going to die?

She's A PROFESSIONAL PHOTOGRAPHER!!!!!!!!

So it's the first violin recital for Miss Madeleine Margaret Changsheng, and I'm clicking away like mad with my Nikon. Got a lot of shots of her while she was posing for her formal portrait (the photographer was cool with it, as long as I wrote the check for HIS pictures), then lots of shots of her setting up, etc.

Then I start to hear the murmurs from other familes.

"She must be a professional photographer."

I was too busy shooting to pay any attention. Then I figured it out. Why was a Caucasian woman shooting 100 pictures of an Asian child? Why, her parents must have hired me to, um, PROFESSIONALLY PHOTOGRAPH HER.

The kids file in for the recital.....

and I'm trying to get the video ready and also still photograph every second of this momentous occasion, and I'm running over to her chair, adroitly dodging young artists setting up their instruments to snap more pictures. I majored in Journalism, you know, and I was taught to get the shot no matter what. Get the shot. GET THE SHOT. Who cares if you look like a multitasking monkey on crack.

......."professional photographer"....

My mom was seated in her chair and started to hear the murmurs. It was too much for her.

Mom turned around.

"She's not a professional photographer. She's an ATTORNEY."

My fan club refused to believe.

".....professional photographer."

Mom turned around again.

"She's also a PROFESSOR."

"......professional photographer"....

Mom turned around again.

"She's an ATTORNEY and she just WON A BIG CASE!"

Finally I turned around to my fan club (before Mom informed them of my upcoming nomination to the United States Supreme Court) and said, "Nope, I'm NOT a professional, BUT I'LL BE DELIGHTED TO SHOOT ALL OF Y'ALL FOR FREE AFTER THE RECITAL." Um, by the way, I mean with a camera.

And I did!!!!

Are You A Democrat, Republican, or Southerner?

Note: this is an old joke that has been making the rounds of the internet for years so it may be familiar to you. If you really want to know, we do not own a gun. We have two curious children and I am convinced that Madeleine could crack any safe; I've watched her decipher my internet password by simply watching me and I type 100 words per minute. I do not think that storing one in the attic is going to provide much protection from intruders.

My husband owned one when he was working as a Probation Officer, and it was stolen in a home break-in years before. The police said that if Roger and his roomies had arrived home during the break in they may have been killed because the teenagers had loaded the gun and were ready to use it if confronted (one kid confessed) For God's sake do not enter your home if you see signs that it's been broken into. Whip out the cell and call the cops. As a lawyer I can't tell you how many cases I've seen of people shot when they confronted an armed intruder.

Anyway by the time of the gun theft he was riding a desk and did not need one for work. I support reasonable gun control laws. When the children are in high school, we plan to purchase a gun and teach them to use it. I love to shoot and I am a great shot. So is Roger. We also plan on enrolling them in karate.


Are you a Democrat, a Republican, or a Southerner? Here is a little test that will help you decide.

The answer can be found by posing the following question: You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, a man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife, and charges at you.You are carrying a 40 caliber Glock, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do? ..............................................................


THINK CAREFULLY AND THEN SCROLL DOWN


Democrat's Answer: Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!
Does the man look poor or oppressed?
Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
Could we run away?
What does my wife think?
What about the kids?
Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?
What does the law say about this situation?
Does the Glock have an appropriate safety built into it?
Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?
Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?
Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?
If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me?
Should I call 9-1-1?
Why is this street so deserted?
We need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day, and make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior.
This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for few days and try to come to a consensus. ..................................................

Republican's Answer: BANG!.....................................................

Southerner's Answer: BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! Click.....
(Sounds of reloading)
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! Click.
Daughter: "Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips or Hollow Points?"
Son: "Can I shoot the next one?"
Wife: "You're not takin' that to the Taxidermist!"

A Magical Night at the Magic Kingdom

And then the Clueless family, tired, hungry, sunburned, irritable, dreading another drive (i.e.hurtling through Orlando traffic, wondering if Exit 15-A would be on the right or left side of the highway and how many drivers would cut them off in traffic and did they have change for the many toll roads they would encounter? ) staggered woozily towards the Exit sign with the girls fighting each other for the chance to plant their small, bony butts in my lap while I rode in the wheelchair, each child claiming a more profound weariness than the other.

Let me just say this: South Carolina has not caught on to the use of toll roads. And that is good.

And then the Clueless family began to watch the park light up. And a thrill shot through their weary hearts.

And I rose from my wheelchair (She walks! It's a MIRACLE!) and rudely elbowed seven thousand tourists aside while gripping my camera ready to catch the magic.

I had to catch Cinderella in action, the young lady whose story inspired all of us chicks to look for the prince. Most of us met with varying degress of success, to put it mildly. Wait a minute, there is the title of my new book: Cinderella Ruined My Life. Such a tired topic, but I'm sure that I could breathe new life into it.

And then the parade began with each exhibit more beautiful than the next. I snapped away, jumping in front of recalcitrant bystanders with enthusiasm when necessary. For I am a true artiste, you see, with a $1200.00 camera. You peons with your point and shoots can just step to the rear. Um...you wouldn't punch out a poor girl in a wheelchair would you?

So pretty!

Gee, I hope you don't have nightmares about being chased by a large, glowing fish after reading my blog and sue me for emotional distress. Please take a deep, calming breath. Don't sue me anyway, I got no money. Sue...um...Disney!!!

I am not sure what the creature on this float was intended to be. Update: A kind commenter tells me that they're from Fantasia.

There's that bitch again.

Tasteful all white float.

Another tasteful all white float.

Through the rockets red glare,

The bombs bursting everywhere

The Clueless family ran for the exits

And got the heck out of there.

WHY WON'T NEW BLOGGER LET ME SEPARATE MY #$@# PARAGRAPHS????

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Goodbye Disney!

See you real soon!!

Why?

Because I love spending exorbitant amounts of money to usher whining children through your parks!!!

Disney World

And then the Clueless Family entered the Magic Kingdom, the place where all dreams can come true if you just wish in your heart and have eleventy zillion billion dollars to spend.

I whipped out my Disney credit card containing Disney Dollars. We've been using the card since 2005 and had accumulated $851 Disney Dollars. (one penny for each dollar spent on the card) I asked the nice guy at the window how much 5 day passes for 2 adults and 2 children cost.

"Oh, about $800."

I was thrilled, but my sister in law warned me to ask about how long the passes were good for.

"Fourteen days."

"Ok, how much for the passes if they are good forever."

"One thousand doll....That's all I heard before I passed out.

"We'll take four (2 adults, 2 kids) three day 'good forever' passes, please," my husband piped up while simultaneously trying to prop up my sagging body. "How much are those?"

"$880." We handed over the credit card and received four three day "good forever " passes for the sum of $29.00 plus our Disney Dollars. Oh it was sweet!!!

Then we rented a wheelchair for $10.00, which was the best ten dollars I ever spent. EVAH.

While the Magic Kingdom is expensive, one look at the kids faces made it all worthwhile.

See what I mean?

Actually she was peeved (to say the least) because we did the Haunted Mansion. By all the gods, she is 9 years old and in the FOURTH GRADE and should understand that it's all just fantasy play. She spent the entire ride buried in the nether regions of my armpits.

But eventually she cheered up.

And learned to smile. Ah, yes, we must make the children happy. I believe that children are our future...treat them well and let them lead the way show them all the beauty they posess in side...give them a sense of pride...ooops sorry the painkillers are talking.

Was I embarassed to use the wheelchair, especially since I can walk perfectly well, I can skip, I can even run. But I have fibromyalgia and I can't do it for long distances. Lord, did I feel like a phony!!!!

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Especially since you can cut the lines using a wheelchair. There are special entrances for the handicapped. "Can you transfer?" asked the solicitious Disney employees. They meant can you get out of the chair and board the rides. Yes, I can, and did. Geez, I felt like the worst fraud ever. I reminded myself of all the times I have glared at "perfectly healthy" people getting out of cars with handicapped stickers. You can not always tell if a person needs a handicapped parking sticker. Or a wheelchair.

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The "cast members" at the park just could not have been nicer. Especially since many of them heard my treatise on fibromyalgia while we waited to board the rides under the special cut lines. "Well you see the reason that I'm using the chair is that I have fibromyalgia. I can walk, but I can't walk far, and by the way do you have any relatives with it? Because I have a treatment theory I'd like to share with you....Man I feel guilty using this special line, but you see I really CAN'T WALK LONG DISTANCES..."

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"Why here comes the ride!" they exclaimed with sincere relief and joy.

As the afternoon wore on, we got to see a parade. I'm not sure what Green and Blue and doing here. I think Pink is saying, "Guys, no PDA in the middle of a FAMILY PARK."

Minnie and Pluto behaved themselves.

The best ride was Buzz Lightyear. Here they are at the end of the ride.

And here I am at the end of the road. But we stayed till the end. Disney sure can put on a show! The night show is coming up in the next post.

New Blogger Bah Humbug

Just wanted to apologize for reposting everything if you get my RSS feed (which I just added). I finally changed over to the New Blogger and apparently they think that the appropriate type size should be "miniscule." All my posts suddenly had font so small that I couldn't read it without my reading glasses. So I republished the last few posts.

Seaworld

Happy Thanksgiving everybody! I know that few people read blogs on Thanksgiving but I always manage to sneak away from all the family jolliness for awhile to check the internet. There is only so much family togetherness I can take. We just got back from my sister's house a few hours ago. She had a friend over which greatly added to the camaraderie and prevented the evening from becoming a Festival O'Drama.

I remember the first time I invited my parents over to my new apartment for dinner. I was afraid Mom would start crying (Mom cries if you look at her funny) so I invited a friend over. Daddy took one look at the silverware and got up to wash his fork. O-kay.

My friend noticed that I didn't have money to cover the sliding glass doors in the kitchen so I had pinned a sheet up to cover the doors and asked "Is that a curtain? Are we going to see a play after dinner?" We all laughed and the evening was a pleasant one free from drama.

Well, onto Sea World. The tickets were over two hundred dollars. After I finished hyperventilating we walked around for awhile saying to each other, "This is a special trip. The girls will remember this forever (at least we'll make sure of that by reminding them of it frequently--"Hey kids, remember when we couldn't make the mortgage payment 'cause of our special trip to Sea World? I'm afraid we can't afford to feed you supper because of your special trip to Sea World")..... we started to view the attractions. I couldn't believe the number of gift shops. You pay two hundred dollars to get in and then you spend your time browsing for overpriced tzotchkes? I don't think so. We bought the kids lunch that came in little cheap Shamu boxes and told them THAT was their Sea World memorabilia.

We saw, amazingly enough, marine life everywhere.

The flamingos reminded me of high school where the popular girls would gather in a bunch and refuse to notice or talk to anyone else. Snobs, I hope y'all catch tail lice or something.

These birds walked around and stole food from everybody. The birds ignored the signs imploring people to "PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE BIRDS". Fair enough, I guess, since the people ignored them also.

It was worth two hundred dollars just to see this duck. Um, yeah, ok.

Helpful reminder for morons--certain places had signs up that said "GOOD PLACE TO TAKE PICTURE--COURTESY OF FUJICAMERAS." Like a good little zombie, I obediently took pictures.

My, just looking at the scenery made me glad I had blown two hundred dollars. Um, not.

We purchased $7.00 worth of dead fish that the girls declined to eat for lunch even though I pointed out that they were loaded with healthy protein and Omega-3 fish oils.

So they fed them to the cute little baby sharks.

When I was a little girl my parents took me to SeaWorld and I told my parents I had just seen a whale. Daddy chuckled condescendingly and told me it was just a large fish. Way to ruin my trip, pal.

Sharks reminded me of all the cases waiting for me back in Columbia. Did you hear the one about the lawyer and the sharks? Good, then I don't have to tell it to you.

We saw the killer whale show and it was really impressive. We sat in the "splash" section and I was afraid to open my camera. So this is a picture of the dolphin show instead.

By this time my legs were killing me. At first I was too proud to rent a wheelchair. "It's a small park," I reasoned. "I don't want people staring at me. I'm sure I'll be ok." By the end of the day I was half dead. I spent the next day--all 14 hours of it--in bed. "When we go to Disney World," I said to my husband, " I don't care if my wheelchair lights up in neon lights and they parade me down Main Street with a sign saying "LOOK AT THE CRIP...I'm renting a wheelchair."

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Of course, the fact that I was too cheap to pay for food at SeaWorld kind of backfired, to say the least. After navigating Orlando traffic (thank God I was too stoned on painkillers to be scared) we got back to my sister in law's house and I collapsed and suggested that we get take out food. We ordered from a small local Italian restaurant and I got a veggie calzone that was, I kid you not, the size of a dinner plate. I inhaled the entire thing in a trance and went outside for a glass of red wine and a cigarette. Twenty minutes later, my stomach said to me "YOU EXPECT ME TO DIGEST THIS? ARE YOU INSANE, LADY?" and I was up all night groaning and clutching my stomach in misery. To cheer myself up I read a book about the Black Plague, reminding myself that I wasn't covered in oozing pustules or anything. But about 4:00 AM, I would have gladly traded the conga line in my stomach for a couple--just a couple--of pustules.

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We missed Epcot Center the next day, as I was busy recuperating from the Attack Of The Killer Veggie Calzone. But on Monday we did the Magic Kingdom. More later... Hope your turkey digests well. Salut!!

Note: I'm sorry I had to publish this post like five times but every time I'd publish it all my paragraphs would run together. Also, I apologize for all the extra ads on the site. I'm trying to make some money so my husband won't ask "ARE YOU BLOGGING AGAIN INSTEAD OF PAYING ATTENTION TO YOUR LOVING FAMILY?" Santa Claus has bills to pay you know.

Foot Stompin' Hoedown!

Back to Disney World in a minute, but today was interesting. I took a day of sick leave to rest and ended up going to TWO school events and fitting in some Christmas shopping too.

So we get an avalanche of letters from the kids' school. Geezus, I don't remember this from my day. Buy a sweatshirt! Calendar! Field trip! Sell Cookie Dough! Buy another sweatshirt! Send all your loose change in for Carolina-Clemson rivalry! Just today we got a note that they are taking first graders to a ballet at the Koger Center.

First graders. Sitting through a ballet. Does...not.....compute... A wiggly, giggly, attention span of gnat first grader being forced to sit through pas de deux and tours jetes or whatever...I "studied" ballet but I've forgotten most of it, seeing as how my study consisted of three months before my mom got tired of taking me to lessons and it was in the days before moms could be guilted into activities.

Anyway, today was a "Foot Stompin' Hoedown!" Well just pick up a pen and color me thrilled to death. And the girls would be in two different performances, one at 9:00 and one at 1:00. Dandy.

I didn't take my camera. This picture is from "Avalanche Ranch--A Wild Ride Through God's Word!" i.e. "Desperate parents attempt to fill child's summer with Bible School activities!" No, today I decided I was SICK of creeping around like the girls were Britney Spears after several appletinis and I was the crazed photographer trying to get the money shot at school activities. This can only coincide with the fact that Nikon has out a new camera--300D--and I'm lusting after it with unholy greed. So I'm temporarily rejecting my dear old lame Nikon D70. Sorry dude you are so 2004.

So Roger dragged my protesting self out of bed and we proceeded to the 1st grade performance. It was pretty cute but it was a large auditorium and I couldn't see Meredith well, so I got out of my seat for the final line dance and a teacher encouraged me to join in.

I love to dance, especially country line dances. I just could not resist. So I did. I figured Meredith would understand. She's only in 1st grade and isn't easily embarassed, unlike Madeleine, who turned the heads of hundreds of Dora fans at age 4 when I started to gyrate to the music at "Dora Live" by screaming "MOMMY SIT DOWN!"

So then we left and went shopping and finished up Christmas. I can't tell you what we bought because I'm paranoid that Madeleine will find this post. I changed the blog listing in my favorites folder to "Snakes and Cockroach Central--Big Gruesome Photos!" AND deleted the history of my browsing since she showed me that's how she figured it out in the first place, but you never know. How about a teaser...We found one item mislabeled at Target. It should have been $29.99 and was marked $7.49 and they sold us two at the lower price, since they admitted the sign said $7.49. I was in ecstasy. The other group of shoppers who noticed it too cleaned them out real fast.

I was bummed because I didn't get to play with the 2 carat solitaire at Sam's. I love playing with it. But it was in the safe because the managers were in a meeting and only the managers could get it out of the safe. Sam's shoppers--this is Taste of Sam's weekend. Tons of great food to sample. This is not a paid commercial endorsement although Sam's? I'd be so willing to endorse you for pay. Like a 2 carat solitaire. Call me, I'm in the book!!!

Then back to school. I bowed my head and prayed out loud: "Dear Tiny Little Baby Jesus" (from Talledega Nights, movie cracked me up) Please don't let me give into the sinful temptation of dancing the country line dance again and embarass my dear child."

And the kids filed in and I waved at Madeleine happily and the look on her face indicated that she was either 1. scared that I would embarass her or 2. passing a kidney stone.

But I didn't dance.

We picked the girls up afterwards and Meredith rushed towards me exclaiming lovingly "YOU JUST HAD TO DANCE DIDN'T YOU?" and Madeleine rushed towards me thanking me in heartfelt tones for not dancing. We got in the car and Meredith started bawling because "it was unfair" that I danced with her around and not Madeleine until Roger told her to "cowboy up" and quit crying.

Sorry kid. But stay tuned, because I think you'll like what Santa got for you today!