Things To Discuss With Your Whore

I've led such an interesting life that I can hardly stand myself, but one night I was just going out for dinner and saw a sight I could hardly believe.

It was one of those Japanese steak houses where the chefs do the fancy cooking in front of you.

"Bubba" comes in. He's tall--about 6ft I guess. Dressed in cowboy boots, and a plain white t-shirt artfully cut to show off every single inch of his bulging stomach. Oooh la la.

He had with him two whores. (Should I be pc and say sex workers?) They looked like Christie Brinkley, if she troweled on $50 worth of dimestore makeup and wore a dress that revealed the state of her pubic hair. One sat on each side of him.

They ordered dinner, seemingly oblivious to the entire restaurant staring at them. Well, Bubba seemed sort of proud. Like did he really think we thought those were his unpaid dates or something?

So I wondered what on earth did they TALK about? I mean, I know how to converse with a date, but this would have stumped even me.

I made a list of things they probably wouldn't be interested in discussing, with commentary:

1. So what was your major in college? (Geez, college stories are always good for first dates. I'd be lost without this one)
2. Do you think that Hillary will make a successful run for the White House in 2008? (Politics always makes me look deep)
3. You know, when I was in the second grade, a teacher yelled at me for picking my nose and I cried. (Heartwarming childhood stories always set the mood for intimacy)
4. So do you want kids or not? (Probably not relevant)
5. What sort of decor do you like? I like Ikea type furniture (See #4. Probably not relevant)

I guess you could talk about this stuff:

1. I hope you bought some good quality condoms.
2. Any STDs you want to tell me about?
3. Do you enjoy degrading yourself?
4. I bet your mom is so proud.
5. Man, this steak is delicious!

They hardly talked at all, actually. I can see why.

Dead Cats and Dead Bats

My family is currently trying to liquidate the estate of my aunt, who passed away in February. We all miss her.

Her house was jammed to the rafters with stuff. While it made me certainly question why we all need so much stuff, such navel-gazing introspection was interrupted by my excitement at finding shoes! outfits! furniture! jewelry! in her house.

The nastiest thing we've found so far has been steaks from 1982 in her freezer, canned goods that had exploded from old age, and a dead bat carcass in her kitchen. Way up high.

The auctioneer came out this week and we apologized for all the stuff! clutter! mess!

He took it all in stride. "Aw...he commented....that's nothin'! This one house I did, the lady had dead cats all over the place. Ever' time we found one, we'd just toss it in a pile."

eww....

Here We Are

This all started as a joke in 1995 when we moved into our new house. I snarked that since we were in the 'burbs now we needed to dress up in corny sweaters by our fireplace for a Christmas picture and pretend to be normal and all. So we did.

We always do the pictures all by ourselves with a self timer.

Afterwards I go to the computer, frantically try to upload the picture with whatever new demonic software I own, and drink Bailey's Irish Creme until I slump to the floor. The rest of the family knows by now to avoid me at all costs for the rest of the evening.

Left to right: Roger, Madeleine, Meredith, Me (Lorrie), and Cassie the poodle.

You're Not My Real Mother!

Time: 2010

Me to daughter: Honey, you can't go to the mall wearing a skirt the size of a washcloth.
Madeleine (weeping hysterically) I HATE YOU! YOU'RE NOT MY REAL MOTHER!
Me: Calmly sips martini, puffs on cigarette.

1. Thank God for that! Look--no stretch marks!
2. No, but there's some real money in my estate that you might inherit one day if you're nice to me.
3. I'm so sorry that you didn't inherit my poor vision, large buck teeth, greasy hair, whale-like hips, and poor hearing.

I'm mulling over the appropriate response.

I AM ADOPTED!!!!!

First of all--to my readers--OMG!!! THANK YOU!!! I logged in today and saw I had comments and almost wet my pants. I was prepared for them to be ONLINE CAS8NO GAMBLING spam or something and they are real live people that I read and admire!! THANKS AGAIN guys!!

Second of all--I forgot to mention something. Which ought to give you an idea about how much I actually think about it in the day to day life.

I AM ADOPTED MYSELF!!!

Honestly, I never even think about it.

There were years and years and years where I never thought about it.

Ok, it was a newborn, caucasian adoption. Nobody stared in public. No racism. No, kids had to be content to tease me about my greasy stringy hair, huge braces, incredible dorkiness, and terminal weirdness.

I had the best parents in the world and I am the luckiest girl ever.

But I digress. Anyway, it isn't that big a deal. My sweet, darling mother drives me insane. But the point is that she is just Mom. I don't stop and think when I press the phone button, "Geez, I think I'll call and see what my weird, insane, annoying but incredibly wonderful and deeply lovable ADOPTED MOTHER" is going to bug me about today. No, I just press the phone button and think that exact thought but leave out the "ADOPTED" part.

So there.

Building A Family

The internet is now populated with blogs devoted to family building.

How do you do that? Can you use Legos?

There is all sorts of ways to build a family and in the process subject your new family to intense hatred, criticism and disapproval!!!!

Infertility Treatment: Infertile people who wish to try to replicate their DNA are selfish, obsessive egomaniacs who spend a disproportionate part of the world's resouces buying another Hummer for their reproductive specialists.

Domestic Adoption: Exploiting poor unwed mothers who could raise the child themselves, thereby avoiding a Primal Wound.

International Transracial Adoption: Kidnapping children of another culture because you're too vain and lazy to give birth yourself or don't want the "defective" children available locally.

Domestic Transracial Adoption: No white person of privilege could possibly understand the cultural needs of a baby from another race. You just want to show off how "liberal" you are while in the meantime dooming your child to a lifetime of alienation.

Single parents: Every child needs a mother AND a father, even if the alternative is a lifetime in an orphanage or in dreadful conditions. Why don't you spend the time and money you're spending to adopt to look for a spouse, already?

Gay parents: What can I say, you're all going to Hell anyway. If you're a gay single parent, there's a special room on reserve that's extra hot.

And the very worse, worse thing you can possibly do is:

Try to make a baby the old fashioned way--in the back seat of a car after a liberal dose of Boone's Farm. How dare you, when there are so many homeless orphans who need a home?

Speaking My Piece

I created a blog and suddenly got a severe case of writer's block.

First of all, I hold some rather strong opinions about things. Sadly enough, they are not popular opinions. I am afraid that I will offend somebody.

I am a Southerner and we're trained from birth not to offend.

But I did think of a topic to talk about...

Transracial Abduction.

Yes, my precious family is the subject of intense hatred and disdain by a certain small, but vocal minority. The people who feel that I, rich white privileged beyotch, "kidnapped" (and I'm not kidding) some cute lil ol Asian kids, yanking them unceremoniously away from their sacred "culture", and therefore doomed them to a life of pain and heartache.

Smooch my heinie.

First of all, the sacred "culture" that I took them away from had resulted in them being placed in an orphanage. Penniless. Probably they wouldn't have been able to even attend school because school costs money in China. Apparently college is only for the highest elite, as only 5% of Chinese attend college.

Right away I've committed another cardinal sin among the slavering idiots of adoption pc--I've maligned their culture. Gasp! Faint!

Well, to that I say, I am an American and I love it, but frankly there are parts of our culture that I could definitely do without forever. Our hideous history of slavery, for instance. I don't think that's made me into a schizophrenic, but my doctor might disagree.

I see nothing wrong with exposing my children to the incredible culture and beauty of China while at the same time condemming the horrible conditions that my children would have faced had they grown up there.

Second of all, I didn't include their Chinese name in their names.

Well, it's like this. A woman that I admire greatly, Lisa McClure, put it like this--her child has an American name, and a Chinese name. My kids will always have their Chinese name. If they want to use it or change their name as adults, great. Even as a teenager I'll be happy to acquiesce should I see evidence of a serious, thoughtful decision.

But you know what? I named my kids after their ancestors. Their great grandmother, grandmother, and mother.

I told Madeleine the other day that her middle name, Margaret, was the same as all her ancestors and she just beamed from ear to ear.

Please shoot me now all transracial abductee fanatics out there.

Thirdly, I must confess a secret that has been a stain on my soul for a long time.

I loathed and despised and hated the food that we were served in China with every fiber of my being.

And if you are reading this and think, "Who gives a flying fig what Lorrie thinks of Chinese food?" then you have never read a board devoted to Chinese adoption!!