The Day My Eyeliner Exploded

Ok, ok, humor me. Here's a picture from 2001. Yes, I know it looks as if my eyeliner exploded. Actually, I don't use eyeliner because I once read in Cosmopolitan or Glamour or Unrealistic Unattainable Incredibly Retouched Picture Of Anorexia Victims Wearing Ridiculous Body Revealing Clothes That You Should Be Prohibited By Law From Even Thinking About Wearing Magazine or somewhere that eyeliner causes wrinkles, so in my brilliant/pathetic cluelessness I decided to just dab mascara all over my eyes to resemble eyeliner. Sad. Please pray for me, because no, I'm not kidding. I still do that.

I was thinking about Ten Stupidest Beauty Tips but you know, I'm not about to reveal all or you might be as good looking as I am.

Instead, thinking of magazines, how about the Ten Stupidest Things In Magazine Articles.

1. "Our marriage is a work in progress," says Pretensia about her candlelight Barbados ceremony. Work in progress? What's that? Are you remodeling your kitchen? Because that certainly is a work in progress. Marriage should be fun! If you have to work at it, why not get a dog instead? Dogs are work, with the training and all.

2. "Contrary to the rumours, Pretensia has a healthy appetite. We met at the Beverly Hills Cafe for an interview and she ordered whole wheat toast, a caviar and sage egg white omelette dusted with paprika, and a generous order of hash browns." Ok. Did you check to see if that was the first meal she actually ate in the last 24 hours? Did she actually eat it? P.S. Bulemia.

3. "Pretensia is frank about her health history, discussing her several hospital admits for exhaustion last summer while filming Two Guns and A Girl." Exhaustion? How come nobody I know ever gets to check into a hospital for exhaustion? I'd like to. Where do I sign up? Pretensia has a maid, nanny, cook, gardener, limo driver, personal life coach, trainer, and drug dealer. I have none of the above. How come Pretensia gets to check in and I don't? I call...unfair.

4. "Melt Off Pounds While Walking." My pounds never melt off unless I apply a blowtorch to them, but somewhere out there an army of tiny, thin women must exist who walk off every creme brulee. I wish I could join them.

5. "Thirty Minute Meals!" How come they always involve ground beef, pasta, some ingredient only available on the West Coast like Mrs. Schtouffle's Kitchen Bouquet, something sauteed in onions, and have about 630 calories and 5,656 grams of sodium per bite? I guess if you melt off all your pounds while walking, you can't spend much time in the kitchen--and you can afford to eat like a hog.

6. "I wish they'd give me some privacy," sighs Pretensia. Umm....Pretensia? Your agent begged for this interview. Your friend tipped off photographers when you left the nightclub. Your other friend called the tabs at your request. Don't worry. Soon you will be on a Where Are They Now? website. Just be patient, sweets.

7. "He'll always have a special place in my heart," sighs Pretensia. Hmm. People I know don't usually discuss their exes in such a flattering manner. Could he have special videos or pictures of you, Pretensia? Just curious.

8. Tom Cruise.

9. Nicole Ritchie.

10. Kelly Ripa.

Whine-A-Thon!

All right, I now have seventy five KAJILLION adorable baby pictures of Madeleine and Meredith scanned onto my hard drive and (whimpers quietly) not even the SUBJECTS OF THE PICTURE want to look at them.

Me: Darling angels, come here and look at some pictures of you when you were babies!

Darling Angels: Do we haaaavvvee to?

As for the Digital Picture Frame Project (whimpers loudly) we went over there and the inlaws had the thing unplugged from the wall.

You know what they say about old dogs and new tricks. I imagined this conversation one day:

Christmas 2035

Mad & Mere: Go ahead Mom and Dad! Open the present!

Me: Just a minute kids, I need to kick start my hands with the Anti-Athritic Stimulator. (zap! tchwunk!) Ok, here we go! (unwraps gift, stares blankly) What on earth is it?

M&M: It's a ticket to Mars! See, you just press this button and you're instantly on Mars! You know how you always said you wanted to visit Mars!!

Roger (crabbily) I never said I wanted to visit Mars.

Me: Sweeties, we love it!!! (pokes crabby husband) DON'T WE HONEY? But...darlings...I don't know how the Anti-Gravity-A-Thon on the Mars trip will affect my hearing implant.

M&M: Mooommmmmm......(they exchange significant looks) You just can't teach those old dogs any new tricks, can you?

Me: Excuse me?

M&M: Nothing!

Me: This hearing implant works pretty well, you know!

M&M: Fine! We'll just exchange it and get you...oh I don't know....how about one of those old fashioned COMPUTERS?

Me: (eagerly) You can still find some old ones on ebay, I think!

M&M: Whatever. See you later! (They press the zap and instantly are transported back to their second homes on the moon).

Roger: Brats. C'mere honey and give me a Anti-Athritic kick start so I can play with my 30 year old computer.

Ah yes, old fogies. God Bless 'Em.

The Good Ol' Days

Hope everybody who celebrated had a good Christmas.

Several of my brothers in law got together and gave my mother & father in law a Kodak Digital Picture Frame. All the seven kids were invited to put their pictures on a flash drive so they could enjoy them. As a charter member of Fanatics-R-Us, naturally OUR pictures had to be the BIGGEST collection, the BRIGHTEST colors, the BEST LOOKING children (hands down, slam dunk there). Naturally I had to scan THREE HUNDRED print pictures from the first four years of the children's life, so that they will have a complete digital record of their precious little lives and won't have to actually, you know, deal with printed pictures. So 1978, you know?

My scanner now makes this noise: screeechbumppthrouuuie. However, the pictures are scanned. And when I left the inlaws on Christmas Day, I made sure our flash drive was plugged into the picture frame. I'm sure they are screaming and ducking when they see an adorable China Doll flash onto the screen, but guess what? I have 100 more ready to go over there tomorrow.

Attached is one from Christmas 2001.

Mother, Please Do Not Scream Again

I love to track Santa as he flies around the globe.

"OOOOOOHHHH!!! He's in Florida!" I screamed as we pulled up the website.

"Let's look at some of the other places he's visited," I said enthusiastically as the Believer sat glued to my side.

The Non Believer sauntered out of the room but turned at the door to say in her best practicing pre-teen voice:

"Mother, please do not scream again."

Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night.

When All Is Said And Done

China doesn't owe anybody a child, quit whining.

Ok. Well, personally, it doesn't affect me because I do not plan to adopt again.

Is it ok it I whine a little bit for THE CHILDREN?

Is it ok if I whine a little bit about the kids who will never get to have a ghastly looking (but tasty) homemade birthday cake?

Is is ok if I whine a little bit about the fact that there are people who want to adopt kids, and lonely kids in orphanages, and I just wish that both parties could have their dreams come true?

I Hope You're Rich, Thin, Happy, Married, And Well Educated

This won't mean a thing to you if you're not interested in China adoption, but anyway, China has just instituted a whole new list of restrictions for prospective parents that basically excludes 99.9% of the population, if they're being 100% honest. I hereby predict that 99.9% of prospective adoptive parents will not be 100% honest.

Basically, you must be young, rich, married, thin, educated, not deformed in any way (yes, that is the word they use) and most of all God Forbid you cannot be medicated for anxiety and depression, and just thinking about all this causes me anxiety and depression, and I already have completed my family.

You already know to get the hot scoop from the Rumor Queen, of course.

Of course China can do whatever they want to do. But why is it that the nasty little suspicious part of me is wondering why this all coincides with the upcoming 2008 Olympics to be held in China?

And why am I thinking this interview will be beamed over the airwaves in 2008?

Commentator: While we're waiting for the javathiathlon to start, let's take a look at the principal exports of China.
Commentator 2: I guess it would be kids! (laughter)
C1: That's right, Biff. But by golly, it looks like China has good taste in the parents they select. Let's go to the McMansion of Fred and Ethel Buffington, coming to you from Snobberie Heights, NJ. Hello Fred and Ethel.
F&E: Hello!!!
C1: Looks like you guys just got off the golf course! Ethel...va-va-voom!
F&E: That's right, Biff, and we also worked out for three hours at the club this morning. Gotta keep in shape for our new little China Doll!
C1: What great parents you'll make. And how happy you are!
F&E: Well, we've been sad sometimes when we realized we couldn't have any kids of our own, but we find that the best way to combat the blues is a brisk, long walk and a good cup of piping hot herbal tea. We feel that Americans are far too reliant on drugs to combat depression.
C1: Tom Cruise sure agrees with you! (Laughter)
F&E: Well, we sure feel sorry for all the people out there who can't deal with life, y'know? We worked hard to get where we are--we both have PhDs from a prestigious university, also.
C2: Impressive!! Well, back to the javatriathalon.
F&E: Thanks and a shout out to all the fat, poor, unhappy single people out there who won't be getting their China Dolls.
C1: Maybe they'll feel better if they take some more depression drugs! (Laughter)

My Best Christmas Present

Sometimes when I'm thinking about getting the best Christmas present for my kids I remember the best Christmas present I ever got as a child. It wasn't an expensive new sports car, but I assure you that if I had received an expensive new sports car that would have been the subject of this entry. Being the child of frugal parents, though, I have my memories of this....

I was twelve years old and resigned to getting the usual assortment of presents for, well, you know, kids. Jumpers, housecoats, socks, meh.

My parents listened to hideously dorky stuff like Perry Como.

All of a sudden my Dad reached over and handed me a gift wrapped album and what should it be but Carole King's brand new album Tapestry.

"I LOVE IT!" I gasped. This was the hottest, hottest thing going back in 1971. I often wonder how Dad picked it out. I picture him wandering into a record store (kids, gather around while Aunt Lorrie tells you about "records" and "typewriters")...anyway, I picture him wandering in and saying to the clerk, "Give me something for the Beat Generation." As he carried it out of the store, he realized that his young daughter was growing up to be a woman. And this album would symbolize the acknowledgement of this transformation taking place.

I still have it and I always will, probably will be dragging it to the nursing home.

I remember sitting on the bed in my girlishly decorated room, listening to the lyrics and wondering what life was going to be like. What would it be to really live the emotions in her songs?

I feel the earth move under my feet
I feel the sky come tumbling down
I feel my heart start to trembling
Whenever...you're around....
oooh baby...When I see your face
Mellow as the month of May
oooh darlin'.. I can't stand it
When you look at me
That way....

And I wondered how anybody could ever feel like this about somebody they loved?

Stayed in bed all mornin' just to pass the time
There's something wrong here, there can be no denying
One of us is changin', or maybe we just stopped trying...
And it's too late baby, now it's too late.
Though we really did try to make it
Something inside has died, and I can't hide and I just can't fake it..

I could not wait to experience it all. And by giving me the album, Daddy opened up for me the the possibility that LIFE was out there and that he would support me as I flew out the door to meet it.

Thanks Dad.

Thrilling Shopping Update!

After praying and fasting, we all piled in the car to go to Tar-ghey in a search for the elusive Moon Sand.

No luck, but I did find...

Magnetix! A total stranger and I high-fived.

The kids were with us, so Roger kept them in Foods, genially agreeing to whatever sugar-filled snack they requested (they were surprised and pleased, as we're generally pretty sugar free) while I grabbed a second cart and tripped off to Toys. I found a few things on my list and ever so discretely grabbed a couple of large towels from Housewares and covered the toys.

The kids were fine with this. In fact, Madeleine pulled me aside and whispered in that voice that strangers use to tell you about a wardrobe malfunction:

"I think you're showing a little there."

I looked and saw maybe one tiny little corner showing one tiny little piece of Bratz Sleepover Fabric. I redraped the cart.

"You should get a RUG to cover the items," she helpfully continued.

Whatever. The gifts are home, my credit card is in flames, and I feel at one with the Universe.

It's The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year

Dear "Hot Toy" People,

You can cancel your advertising for this year. Why don't you donate the zillions of dollars that you pump into tv ads to a worthy cause? Like, well, psychiatric care for parents who are forced to explain to children why they aren't getting your toys because you're already sold out.

So, tonight we sent our annual "Email To Santa." I refuse to set foot in the stores, so my Christmas shopping is usually pretty short. The kids make out their lists, then I place the Believer (pictured above) lovingly in my lap and we begin our tour of the web. We visit the stores and when I'm able to figure out what ben10max dx labory means (6 year olds have creative spelling) well, then I click on "Add To Cart" and I explain to Miss Gullible that I'm sending an email to Santa to maybe put that in his sleigh. Later on the Non Believer simply tells me what she wants and it's also "Added To Cart."

Filled with cheer and good will, I began with the Believer.

"Magnetix," she began. Sold out. Sold out. Not available online. January delivery.

"Gosh I'm sorry, Honey!" I said cheerfully. "It looks like Santa's already put all the Magnetix stuff in his sleigh for all the other kids with smarter parents." (Ok, I said the last part to myself).

"Tekno puppy?" she suggested. Sold out. Not that I wanted another dog in the house, even a robotic one...

Moon Sand? Sold out. We are fighting with the manufacturer to try to get a few more for our backorders....

I want to explore this. How are you fighting? A polite letter? Incessant phone calls? A few visits from men carrying violin cases? A horse head in the president's bed? Are you really trying here?

We finally found a few acceptable items and then it was time for the Non Believer.

"Computer Pen," she gaily suggested.

"Santa can't afford $129 for a computer pen," I replied.

"But you told me the Ipod I got for my birthday was over ONE HUNDRED DOLLARS," she replied.

"Santa was richer then," I snorted. (I got it free with a Citibank Visa promotion) On to the next item.

Bratz Sleepover Kit? Bratz Super-Secret Make-Up Vanity Play Set? Add To Cart.

Yeah, I threw a fit last year when some relative gave her the Bratz Tennis Game. Sort of like the fit I threw 43 years ago when I got the housecoat and Sissy got the stuffed reindeer, but it shows you how much I've evolved as a human being when I assure you that last year I did not lie down on the floor and howl. I give up. Madeleine knows that if she starts dressing like the Bratz someday I'll write her out of the will, and she's assured me that she will be able to grow up to be a proper young lady even if she has the "Rock Angelz" CD. Sigh.

It's the most wonderful time of the year.

MORE Christmas Toys From My Childhood

You know how sometimes Blogger just won't load images? This is the SIXTH time that I've tried to upload these pictures in three days. It's a silly little post, I was determined that it would be the next thing I published, no matter what.

Anyway, I used to bounce this Slinky down the steps of my childhood home.

Purty images even after 50 years!

The Wonderful Toy Gyroscope--I mean, what more is there to say?

Thurman Munson was another Yankee who died in a small plane crash. RIP Thurman.

Christmas Toys From My Childhood

Never opened. I wonder why not?


Hello, Operator...

This still makes cool noises when you pull it around the house. Not that *I* personally do that, of course.

The car that defined a generation.

Every year my parents packed up a few toys from my childhood and put them away with the Christmas ornaments. Here are a couple of them!

Please Don't Eat The Daisies..And..About That Hair Dryer?

The great humorist Jean Kerr's first book was entitled Please Don't Eat The Daisies. The point of the title, she explained, was that she had explicitly warned her sons not to "climb on the roof" or "drink cleaning fluid." However, she had never thought to tell them not to consume decorative flowers.

One day she noticed that her lovely table arrangement of daisies had, in fact, been eaten by her young sons.

Well, I had one of those situations the other day...

Madeleine and Meredith were taking a shower and I was monitoring the activity from the adjoining room. I walked into the bathroom and was greeted by this sight:

Madeleine was sitting in the sink, filled with water, operating a hair dryer.

I am surprised that the neighbors did not immediately call the police but I suppose screams do not carry well through brick and glass.

Well, there goes a freebie. (An incident that could result in death or severe injury that turns out ok) They say that all parents get a couple of freebies. Madeleine used up her first freebie by crawling off of the bed and plummeting to the floor head first about three days after we got home. I can still hear the thunk of her head hitting the hardwood floor.

So--Madeleine? Would you do me a favor? Please don't operate a hair dryer while sitting in a sink filled with water.

Thank you.