My Open Letter To Men

An Open Letter To Men

I didn't know anything about men when I was growing up. Oh, I had a Dad. He changed diapers, worked a full time job, always displayed open love and affection towards Mom, claimed to be a virgin on his wedding night (age 28, served in WWII), never cheated, encouraged his daughters to succeed academically and thought that our career ambitions were awesome, never drank, ate only healthy foods, never smoked, picked up after himself, could cook a mean omelet, believed in God but not in the smarmy obnoxious way, wrote beautiful love letters, etc.

So you can see that I really did not know anything about men.

After thirty years of careful, exacting field research, I have amassed a large dossier on the male species. I feel selfish keeping it to myself. So, men, here you go.

The top five things that you men THINK we want:

1. Ripped muscles--Guys, we really don't care about a six pack. Try to keep in shape, and a huge protruding stomach is a gross turnoff to be sure, but honestly, an evening spent cooking dinner for us will pay off quicker and more profitably than an evening in the gym popping protein pills.

2. Mother Nature was kind to you.  You think about this far more than we do.  I promise you.  Cross my heart.  

If you still feel cheated by Mother Nature, I encourage you to take advantage of the many caring people on the internet who want to help you with the problem. If not, forget it. Just let nature take its course. Oh, and a cuddle sometimes without wanting more? Yeah. It is nice. Take one for the team.

3. A big ol' honkin job--No. I've dated millionaires. I've dated poor boys. It's not the job, or the salary, it's the fact that you actually HAVE one. Live within your means. Don't borrow money from your partner. Don't work 100 hours a week. Do care about OUR life. Don't think that if you make more than us that you are superior. A person's value as a friend, lover, life partner, etc. does not depend on the size of their paycheck.

4. Hair--Ok, I'm prejudiced. My man is bald. Has been bald since he was a teenager. If you're going bald, just deal. Don't do the combover bit. You aren't fooling anybody. Forget the toupee. If you must get a weave, fine. I don't care one way or the other about hair.

5. Fancy clothes, car, etc.-- You know what? Convertibles are the most overrated thing in the world. It's either too hot or too cold to drive around with the top off. It's windy. Is it worth going into debt just to drive around the ten days out of the year that the weather is perfect? If you want one, fine. Just don't think that it's gonna get you laid.

Um, clothes? Ok, the stained shirt that you bought at Dollar Plus ten years ago isn't a turn on, but you don't have to go all metrosexual either. Choose clean clothes that fit and are reasonably up to date. I like a man in a white shirt, jeans, and cowboy boots, just fyi.

The top five things we REALLY want.

1. I hope you dance, yeah I'm talkin' to you my loving, wonderful, sexy and handsome husband!! :)-- Why are men so resistant to dancing? Why are we women glued to the TV watching Dancing With The Stars? Why don't you want to get up and take a spin on the dance floor with us? You think "people are watching?" You pussy. People are busy getting drunk. Just get up and dance. I don't care how bad you are. And don't make me pump you with liquor to cajole you into dancing. It's no fun if you're so drunk you're stepping all over my toes.

2. Write a love letter once in awhile-- My 8 year daughter found some of my love letters from an old boyfriend. She teases me about it--Is he your boyfriend, mom? Well, not so much, but....they are so beautifully written I can't bear to throw them out. It's all a part of my history, yada, yada. I don't mind if my husband has some old love letters by the way (which he does-after all, he was 39 when we met) I think I can literally repeat every love letter I've ever gotten, word for word. They mean that much to me.

3. Two Profitable Hobbies:

Guitar--You might not have time to take lessons, but I can tell you that a man playing the guitar and singing softly makes me feel very affectionate, which is why we can never attend a Guitar Mass at church.

Photography--If you don't have time to play the guitar, how about photography? Buy a camera and photograph me. That works. Works just peachy keen.  Well, unless you make comments like "My God, I had no idea how fat your face looked until just now."

4. A nice guy--Yeah, I've heard all the whining about how you nice guys get dumped for assholes. Bull!! I'm sorry, but you just might be a nice, BORING guy. I don't like nice boring guys, but I prefer them over mean, boring guys. Truly, what is the alternative? Do you want to torment your woman? Do you get off on that? Come on. Just be decent. Caring. Thoughtful. Honest. Hold a job. Pay your bills. Don't live with your mother.

But do be nice to her when she calls.

5. LISTEN--I feel that it's a vitally important and interesting part of my history that my 2nd grade teacher once yelled at me for picking my nose in front of the class. If you listen to that story, I promise I'll listen to your blow-by-blow explanation of the latest football game on the telly. Major, major excellent brownie points if you actually remember the story 48 hours later. I do not hold out much hope for that.