Safety Tips

Well hi everybody. Did you make it through thanksgiving? We had a lovely meal with the inlaws (outlaws) on Thursday and then went to the nursing home to have lunch with Mom yesterday. Today is a day for fasting*, prayer**, and contemplation***.

*No more than 8 Girl Scout cookies
**That I didn't gain more than 8 pounds
***Of the fact that Oreo Cookie Pie and Pecan Pie contain more calories than lettuce and the cruelty of the universe.

Now I know we all hate all those emails flying around about warnings and killer red dye and such, but while cleaning out my mailbox I found one that I feel has merit. It contains some tips that I thought might be useful to pass along.

You Southerners know that we are almost frighteningly friendly to each other. I went for a sleep study last night and before we left, the sleep attendant knew my entire life story (I left out the part about my second grade teacher yelling at me for picking boogers in the middle of a lesson on grammar) and I knew hers. This is just what you DO in the south; a Grayshus Southern Lady who loves to babble incessantly (moi) has a very hard time steeling herself to be (gasp!) IMPOLITE.

However, I don't hesitate to follow my gut instincts after teaching grisly serial murder cases for 20 years to students. So, I present this to you for your perusal. It contains some tips that I've never heard before.

1. Tip from Tae Kwon Doo: the elbow is the strongest point on your body. If you are close enough to use it, do.

2. If a robber asks for your purse or wallet, do not hand it to him. THROW it as far as you can. Chances are that he is more interested in your wallet and/or purse than you and he will go for the wallet/purse. Then, naturally, you run like mad in the other direction.

3. If you are ever thrown into the trunk of a car, kick out the back tail lights, stick your arm out of the hole, and start waving like crazy. The driver won't see you, but everybody else will. (supposedly the newer cars have a latch you can pop, also).

4. How many times have you done this? I confess that I have. Women have a tendency to get into their cars after shopping, eating, working, etc. and just sit doing their checkbook, making a list, hunting for the ipod, phone (that's me!) Don't do this. The predator will be watching you and this is the perfect opportunity to get into the passenger side of the vehicle, stick a gun in your face, and tell you where to go.

5. As soon as you get into your car, LOCK THE DOORS. If someone is in the car with a gun to your head, do not drive off. Instead, gun the engine and speed into anything, wrecking the car. Your air bag will save you. If the person is in the back seat, they will take the impact of the collision. As soon as the car crashes, bail out and run. It is better than having them find your body in a remote location.

6. Again, NEVER drive off with somebody to a deserted place. You won't be leaving, until a stray hunter finds your bones.

7. A few more notes about getting into a car parked in a parking lot or a garage. Look around you before you enter your car. Look into the car, in the back seat, on the floor in the passenger side.

8. If you are parked next to a large vehicle such as a van, always enter your car from the passenger door. Most serial killers attack their victim by pulling them into their vans while the woman is attempting to get into her car.

9. Look at the car parked on the driver's side of your vehicle. If a man is sitting in the seat nearest your car, walk back to the mall and get a security guard to escort you to the car. Better safe than sorry; better paranoid than dead.

10. Always take the elevator instead of the stairs. Note: A direct quote from The Godfather, which I'm rereading: "He (Sonny) never used elevators. They were death traps." Well, I just do not know about this one. However, I do agree that these days, you're much more likely to find a crowd in an elevator. And if somebody gets in alone with you that trips your radar, get out. It's only a temporary inconvenience.

11. As a woman, we are always trained to be sympathetic. STOP. It may get you raped or killed. Ted Bundy, the serial killer, was an educated, clean cut young man who always played on the sympathies of a woman. He'd pretend to have a broken leg or arm, ask a woman to help him to the car, and managed to abduct victims from crowded spaces in broad daylight.

12. This sounds dreadfully hokey and urban legendish, but apparently the serial killer in Louisiana who dispatched many victims used this. He recorded a baby crying to lure women out of their locked houses. I guess you could use a whimpering puppy or mewing kitten also.

13. If someone turns on your outdoor water faucets at night, don't go out alone to turn them off. It could be kids playing a prank or it could be a serial killer. Wanna play Russian Roulette?

14. We Southern women STILL sit in restaurants with our purse slung casually over the back of our seat. Catch a Northerner doing this!!! Women, girls, chicks, broads, DON'T.

15. I recently dispensed advice to a young student going to NYC for the Macy's Day parade. I reminisced about a friendly woman who was swathed in a shawl during our honeymoon in NYC. She kept chatting with Roger and sidling closer and closer to him. You could not see her hands. PICKPOCKET PICKPOCKET PICKPOCKET.


Okay, I hope I didn't totally turn you off with these tips. I tried to clean up all the drama. Some of them were new to me, and heading into the holiday season with crowded malls and busy schedules, one never knows, does one? (quote borrowed from Archy McNally, protagonist of the "Archy McNally" series written by Vincent Lardo and Lawrence Sanders).

Happy and safe Holidays!!!

PEACE!

Several months ago, I took pictures of the newspaper that I found among my mom's stuff announcing the end of World War II. You could almost feel the joy and relief wafting off of the page. Holding the newspaper made me feel happy, as if the happiness of the people who printed, delivered and received the paper was somehow still preserved. Okay, I'm a weirdo! But I wish I could put it in your hands and see if you felt the same way.

Click on any image to enlarge it.

What a day it must have been in the newsroom!!!!!!

Can you imagine knowing that your man made it all the way until 1 or 2 days before the war ended?


Go Nemeses Who Guided Allies to Devastating Victory


College fashion show cancelled!!! whoa.

I LOVE this one!!!!!!!

And, my friends, I wish for you joy in the upcoming Thanksgiving celebration. Good night Mr. and Mrs. America, and all the ships at sea.

Accidental Motherhood

Well it all went down like this.

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Last Wednesday I turned into the driveway after a long day slaving away at the salt mines.

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I was met in the driveway by Meredith giving an excellent imitation of a person who had just done a healthy snort of crystal meth.

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"MOOOOOMMMMMMM!!!!" she screamed. "ROLL DOWN YOUR WINDOW NOW!!!!!!"

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Well, what do you do? I rolled down my window, my eyes gently glazing over. All of a sudden a stuffed animal was shoved into my hands.

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The stuffed animal looked at me. And I looked at him. And my gigantic brain kicked into overdrive.

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I'm holding a puppy I bet he hasn't had any shots don't puppies get all sorts of horrible diseases where did this puppy come from oh my god I need to run inside and pour bleach all over myself oh my gawd it's a live puppy!!!

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"MOOOM!!!!! ISN'T HE CUTE!!!!!" screamed a small child leaning in my window.

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I quickly handed "him" back.

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"Where did he come from?" I politely inquired.

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"Well Josh's mom's dog just had a litter and they're giving away puppies can we please please please please please have one Mom oh please because if you say no I'll just die and run away from home at age 14 wearing Goth tattoos and take up with a gang of roving Goth vampires and not even finish ninth grade before becoming a disillusioned, post modernistic nilhilistic sad pathetic shell of a human being living under a bridge I know you'll say yes Mom just look how cute he is oh please can we keep him?"

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I punted. "Ask your father." Who was conveniently at work until 9:15 PM that evening, and hated dogs. More than one, anyway.

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Roger pulled into the driveway at 9:31 and at 9:32 was remoselessly attacked by pleading children. But I had faith that he would say no. After all, Roger did not enjoy constantly cleaning up after one spoiled poodle who refused to step outside to "powder her nose" if there was one drop of precipitation in the air.

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I had to teach a class on Thursday night. I pulled into the driveway at 9:00 and met our new son at 9:01.

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Ladies and gentleman, may I introduce Spike.

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Ladies and gentleman, the same man who refused to adopt a third human child with me or take shag dance lessons was talked into adding ANOTHER DARN DOG to the family by two irritatingly adorable children.

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Perhaps I shall ask them if they would be interested in taking shag dance lessons with their father and me.

One Picture Is Worth A Thousand Words

HAPPY HALLOWEEN