Just Adopt!!
Thirty Three Thousand Dollars for two adoptions... at the time I was earning Thirty-Eight Thousand Dollars a year.
Paperwork that fills up two large boxes.
Homestudies. Background checks. Local, State, and FBI.
Here is the thing. It sounds so simple to the fertiles. If you can't get pregnant, why you simply pick up the phone and call People Who Have All The Needy Starving Orphans, Inc. and voila! Instant, painless parenthood.
Consider this, "Just Adopt" advice givers!!
Realize that you go through literally years of shelling out checks, years of agonizing waiting, years of watching friends and family effortlessly add a child by simply having unprotected sex.
Realize that every move you make will be dissected by the world. Strangers feel perfectly free to ask you casual questions about the most private, intimate details of an adoption.
Are those kids yours?
Are they real sisters?
Do you know anything about their real parents?
How could you take them from their culture?
Adoption is evil.
All adopted kids are screwed up.
I knew someone who adopted a kid and...they flunked out of school and set their house on fire and got pregnant at age 11 and chopped off their mom and dad's head while whistling "Sympathy For The Devil." Also, they often forgot to flush.
You're a racist, white imperialist stealing children.
Stares at the grocery store, the beach, the doctor's office...everywhere...all the time!
Making sure you always carry a picture of you with the kids in case you're ever challenged on why you're carrying a screaming baby of another race outside of Walmart because she won't stop having a meltdown.
You're such a wonderful person for saving those poor kids.
Do they speak English? (heard from many many people)
Writing NO FAMILY HISTORY on medical records.
It's all worth it....
but it is not easy!
Posts
40 comments:
I've done it all. I had a bio child the old fashioned way (deceased from a genetic disease). I had an IVF child (one can avoid passing on certain genes with IVF) and I've adopted two children from China. Sex was the easiest of the three. Really. No shots, no snotty doctors, no homestudies, no money (if one has health insurance for the labor and delivery). I never say: Why don't you just adopt? I admit, I've thought it, really loudly, as I've watched friends slog through fertility treatment but I'll never say it.
I always answer yes to "are they real sisters" and I always get the response "you know what I mean". Yes I do, I just don't care.
Amen!
great post. thanks.
I love being told what a wonderful person I am for taking in a poor starving orphan. Sigh. And don't forget the old "they just kill the girls over there, you know. They don't like girls..." Heard recently from the nurse assigned to me while I was in the hospital a couple of weeks ago. Much teeth-grinding there...
You say what I am thinking much better than I ever could. Hey, do you think I can get your phone number for when idiots say dumb things to me? I can just call you up and put you on the phone to them.
I have to ask... Why not American children, we have so many orphaned Americans? Shouldn't we help our own county first, regardless of the lengthy process?
p.s. I was raised in both Irmo and Lexington. 8-)
"Why not American children, we have so many orphaned Americans?"
(assuming you're not joking)
Because americans are idiots - who would want to adopt someone from a population that could make such a stupid comment?
WHY NOT?? I'm quite serious! I understand their our children in terrible places and it would be a good thing to help them out, but what about New Orleans refugees, or otherwise. There are so many American orphans...
Becky,
"WHY NOT?? I'm quite serious!"
It's a stupid question because it is a personal question. If I asked how often your boyfriend and you had sex, and whether it reflected the average number of times an american has sex, you (rightly so) would ignore the question, or take umbrage.
think of it like that....
I meant no offense by it whatsoever. It was just a question, to help me understand the situation better is all. Patience is a virtue Nick.
And for the benefit of education, I would share with you how often my husband and I have sex!
Sorry about all this on your blog cluelessincarolina. I really meant no offense to you at all with that question. I was just trying to understand better.
Becky,
No need to share your sex life... The problem is that asking a question like "why didn't you..." is that the question is loaded with preconceptions.
By asking the question the implication is that one ought to have followed a different course of action.
People have hundreds if not thousands of different reasons for adopting, and for who and where they adopt.
My wife add that a better question would be "how did you decide to adopt from xxx", which would likely yield the answer you are looking for without the negative implications.
Linda--the problem is that the question Nick is grumping about is asked of people who adopt internationally all the time. Not by people who read our blogs--by people who meet us in the grocery store and have as much personal interaction with us as, say, our meter readers. There you are, dealing with kiddo who is on the verge of a meltdown because the grocery store expedition ended up taking longer than expected, and she's ready to nap. There, behind you, is Joe Blow and his wife Jane. Joe and Jane decide that you should be passive-aggressively informed as to their opinion of adopting from China. Says Joe, "I don't know why people adopt from *THERE* when there are *SO MANY NEEDY CHILDREN* right here at home!" Says Jane, in response, "Oh, they do it because they think it's *cute*!"
Honest: people who adopt from wherever they are adopting from--whether it be private domestic adoption, adoption through the state, international adoption, inter-family adoption--they have done their research. They have looked at their families, looked at the variety of ways to adopt, decided whether they felt the costs (not dollar) of one form of adoption outweighed the benefits, or else simply just felt drawn in one direction or another.
I could point the two of you to a whole slew of internet bulletin boards where people who adopt through the system post. I could point you to the ones who have had children for 2 years as foster children, waiting for the children to become available for adoption, only to have the children suddenly pulled from their homes because the social worker thinks a different foster home would be better...or because the birthmother decided to get her act together after years of messing up...
I could describe the weird emotional feelings of deciding to "market yourself" to expectant moms considering adoption...do I make enough? Should I emphasize this aspect or that? What if we hook up and she feels *obligated* to provide us with a baby? What if we hook up and she decides at the last minute that she can't go through with it? What if the birthfather discovers after the birth that there's a baby and sues to get the child back?
Etc., Etc., Etc.
Like she says, "Just adopt!" is not easy!
Oh Nick, I love you. Becky, as an adoptive mother of 2 from China and 1 bio baby, I also feel the *way* your question was phrased could be taken as offensive. All children need homes, regardless. Many people adopt for overseas because they do not want contact with the childs birth family. No one can take our children away because "they changed their mind." China is a wonderful program that is regulated. Do you know that it is common for it to cost MORE money to adopt in the USA than to adopt overseas *including* the airfair?? In the US it seems that reuniting children with their "real" parents is the goal regardless of the parents attrocities they have committed against their kids. Thise are some of the many reasons that we decided on China. I do know people who have chosen to adopt domestically and good for them. I also know people who have TRIED to adopt domestically and when adoption after adoption fell through, they chose to adopt internationaly. From China, it is pretty much a guarentee that if your agency approves you, you WILL get a child.
I have only been asked once, "why not adopt from America, we have so many children here" and I said "I'm leaving them for YOU to adopt." With a smile of course.
From a mom of one bio and two kids from China, I can tell you we did look into adopting from the U.S. and believe me, the stories about how many little babies are out there wanting families is B.S. We were willing to adopt a child of any race up to two years old and we were told by many agencies that the wait would be two years or more. Three years later, we have TWO children from China and yes, one of them is special needs, so I don't want to hear about how there are handicapped kids available for adoption in the U.S. It's true, there are, and most of them are severely incapacitated to the point where any family with two parents who work could not take care of such a child.
I have to agree with Nick. Unless you've been in the position of having your family put under a microscope you have no idea what it is like. The first time someone asks why you didn't adopt from the U.S. you try to politely explain. The 122nd time, you just want to tell them to piss off. Or you could answer as I do, "Oh, how many children have YOU adopted domestically?" I think we know what the answer usually is...
Really, the question of "why not America?" is and will always be totally offensive, and part of what is so dreadful is that people who insist on asking it refuse to see *why* it is offensive. Even when we explain it to them, using really small words.
Why did you have bio kids instead of adopting? There are so many homeless drug affected waifs out there for you in America. So many abused kids, finally released from the foster system. So many kids who just need loving homes to be *perfect little angels* right? Why did you and hubby choose to make the beast with two backs instead of going out, getting inspected and detected and (with luck) selected in order to offer your loving home to one of those very deserving kiddos?
It is not a reasonable question. It just isn't. It is inherently judgmental and nasty and disapproving and thus is totally not a reasonable question to ask about why and how my daughter came to be mine.
I agree that asking "what led you to xx country?" rather than "why not America?" makes it far far less repulsive, and even a reasonable question-- one that doesn't come with all the judgment about my choice to adopt from someplace other than the good old USA. Try this next time and you might not be buried by people being pissy-- but don't pull the "we are all just moms" bullshit that someone tried. We are all just parents, yes, but asking a question like "why not America?" shows that you have judgments about how I became a parent, and for that I ask that you keep your mouth shut.
Forgetting the tone of the question for now, there is a misunderstanding. There are NOT so many American orphans. Americans do not easily give up their rights to children, whether they can take care of them or not. They are often cared for by grandparents or other relatives. Or by the foster care system, while the family retains their parental rights. Yes, there are many children in America who need help, but there are few orphans.
And yes, I looked into adopting an American orphan. Our state closed the public adoption waiting list years before I began the process. The only children here available for adoption were teenagers.
Thanks for answering miss cellania, I understand it much better now. :-D It's terrible but at the same time a good thing that one can't adopt an American child quite so easily, bad b/c of how hard the system makes the process, but good b/c other people in our country want to raise their own children....
Chinamom, I don't know you, but I (heart) you nonetheless.
I'm sorry, I thought I was in the comments posting section of your very nice post. Then I discovered I'd been redirected to a Yahoo discussion board. My bad.
I have to say this,
Excuse the hell outta me for trying to understand! How dare you try to come at me all these names/attacks for what, asking a simple question, that I admittingly meant no harm with! Sorry for giving a damn and trying to learn something, all you guys did was try to attack me and my character in turn! People as impatient, so quick to anger, and rude as you should not even have children if you ask me.
Blogs are for public use, for learning, for a place to honestly let it all hang out, that's really uncool that you guys are attacking me for being myself asking a question and trying to learn something! Like I SAID I DIDN'T MEAN TO OFFEND ANYONE!! But all you guys did in turn was attack and intentionally try to hurt me! You seem like a bunch of weak, callow, and impatiently angry people!
If you are trying to change someone's mind about something you should not get so angry and impatient with them, is that how you teach your children to be with people!
Opinions are like assholes, everyone has them, and most of them stink!
If I hear you right, Becky, you are upset that people intentionally hurt you after you unintentionally hurt them. So here's the thing....you're right, it does suck to have people say hurtful things. And what every last person here has tried to explain is that your words were hurtful. Many would go beyond that and say theywere intentionally hurtful (obviously you wouldn't agree), since adults who are genuinely interested in learning should be able to formulate ways of asking questions that don't imply judgment of others. Fine if you are curious about why people choose to adopt from China versus any other country. Great! But that's NOT how your question came off.
Keep in mind that for many adoptive families, we are used to people questioning our choices constantly. Honestly, it just gets old.
And don't hide behind the "blogs are this wonderful place where I should be able to say whatever I want without getting flamed" bullshit. Blogs are still real life, and if you don't think before you write, and you write something that is inherently offensive to the blog's audience, then you WILL get flamed.
P.S. to Linda....all the adoptive parents I know have or are CHOOSING to adopt. So yay for us all.
Lurker here ... I must comment.
Becky is 21 (if I'm not mistaken), newly married, has no children, and has probably never known anyone who adopted. I don't know her and I don't even read her blog, I just read her bio to know this.
Please take into consideration that she is not a person who has a great deal of life experience. Maybe you could try to not send the message that we adoptive parents are all completely paranoid that everyone is trying to deliberately offend our families and our choices.
She asked a question ... maybe it was phrased incorrectly, but you all knew that it was not meant as a slam, it was an uneducated statement ... you all made a choice to use her to set an example.
Try not to give all of us a bad name ... I personally try to ignore the question/comment or educate the person.
I figure that every time I educate a person with correct information or inform the POLITELY that they are being insensitive or rude, that is one more person that won't hassle my child someday when they have to face these people as a young adult someday.
You people are a bunch of over-sensitive, self-righteous...
First off, there are plenty of children that are ready for adoption in the US. There just aren't plenty of INFANTS.
So instead of adopting a normal, healthy, loving child, parents turn to outside agencies from other countries so they can adopt a BABY. Like the person who goes to PetSmart on the weekend to look at the dogs from the animal shelter and only want the puppies because they are less hassle and don't come with any problems.
You all make me sick.
And another thing, you sit there and make comments like "I'm the mother of 1 bio and 2 kids from China"...
Until you stop differentiating, they will never truly be the same as your "bios".
Anonymous, first off, do be courteous enough to at least sign your name. The majority of the people who commented here did so, surely you could do so, too?
Look--having prematurely old reproductive organs and a hubby with a low sperm count doesn't mean I have to solve society's problems.
As I said above, there are a variety of different paths to adoption, and everyone I know who has become an adoptive parent has researched the various options and chosen the option best for them.
Obviously, you chose domestic adoption (right?), through the system (right?). That was what was right for you. I have buddies here in my state who have waited seven years to adopt through the state system. I have another buddy who adopted within two months after her application went through. I have a friend who adopted two older siblings and had to disrupt because the eldest started stalking her, her husband, and her biological daughter with butcher knives in the dead of night. I work with a woman who adopted three siblings through the state who has had no problems. I am acquainted with folks who have adopted from Guatemala, Romania, private domestic adoption, adoption through the state, China, Russia, Kazakhstan, same ethnicity, transracial...All of these people chose the path to adoption that was right for them.
Please do all the adoptive parents out there a favor. Research the various paths to adoption--the pros, the cons. Read about adopting infants versus adopting older children; adopting within your ethnicity versus transracially; domestic private versus state. Then decide which one fits you best. And please don't try to tell others which path to adoption they should follow--because (except for a certain person on a certain Chinese adoption email list) I don't know very many adoptive parents who would want to force their path to adoption on you.
I am the mother of four children, two girls, two boys. the boys were adopted as infants from South Korea, they are now teenagers. the girls are old enough to have finished college, alas, we have major-changers for daughters, so not yet.
Anomyous--one of them anyway--states that "there are plenty of healthy, normal older children just waiting." Where? Show me. I know what I am talking about, because we spent seven years looking, investigating public agencies, becoming certified as foster parents,working with public agencies in other states, offering to take sibling groups of up to four at a time, children with medical problems, developmental delays, children of other races than ours--so you can trust me that I know whereof I speak.
Foster children are removed from their homes because there is no adult who can care for them adequately and safely. HOWEVER, the birth family will be given years and years to try and convince a judge that fact will change while the children languish in legal limbo. And let us not forget the tragedy of "Baby Richard", an adoption that had been finalized and was reversed when the child was FOUR. Judges in this country believe in blood over common sense every time. You wouldnt want to live with that, no one would.
There are almost no "orphans" in our public system. I believe Becky mentioned New Orleans refugees--those children have parents, Becky and are not available for adoption. I didnt find your statements offensive, by the way.(I'm talking to Becky here, not anonymous.)First of all, I'm used to it, and secondly, it struck me as a request for information. Our agency trained us to listen to remarks and determine if they were meant to be offensive or if they were really just an honest request for understanding and information. No one of us ever knows what life will bring us, and if one day Becky finds herself contemplating how she will build her family, I hope she remembers that somebody answered an honest question politely and with real facts.
My favorite two dumb remarks? "Will he speak with an accent?" about the six month old baby in my arms, and "Which one of you is sterile?" from COMPLETE strangers!
The comment which we still get frequently because of the age difference and difference in hair and complexion color is a pretty good one too."Oh--the girls are from your FIRST marriage?" My response is always the same."Yeah. Of course, the boys are too, because I'm still ON my first marriage."
sherry
Sorry for not signing my name ... I am the anonymous that posted at 1:34pm ... the other ones, not me.
My name is Danielle
hey there-I'm anonymous from 12:38 only, the only post. Sorry for leaving my name off!!
Deborah
Frankly I these comments illustrate the point clueless was trying to make. No one ever tells a person who have bio-kids "well why didn't you adopt a needy orphan with speical needs from the american foster care system instead of giving birth to that healthy child?"
Most adoptive parents didn't adopt out of altrusim. The adopted becuase they wanted to have children and adoption was the best path to that goal.
If YOU think want to go ahead and adopt a speical need child from the american foster care system then by all means go ahead and do so but don't be judgmental to people who do not.
-Jessica
Jessica makes a very important point:
the original post was all about the insensitive, idiotic, rude, judgmental things people say to adoptive parents-- often in front of their children, frankly. It's like people think your adopted child can't understand English... which is clearly what they think, since they often ask "will she speak English?" of your three year old who has been here since she was 8 months old. And is talking up a storm... in English.
It seemed sort of funny and ironic that the post, all about these idiotic rude judgmental questions, was immediately commented on by someone who asked one such question.
Yes, many of us are a tad over sensitive. The original post sort of made that clear. We are all tired of being judged for how we formed our families. I personally don't mind being an object of curiosity-- we are white, our kid is Asian, we do stand out. If people ask polite curious questions, I answer happily if my kid isn't erupting. If people ask rude judgmental questions, well, I fell entitled not to be all that polite in return. No, I may not be the most mature here, but it's still my right.
Asking "Why China?" is just not the same as asking "Why not the US?" and unless you personally have adopted through the US system, it is not an acceptable question.
Hi. Single, no children. My little brother is adopted. (I don't know why I had the need to state that...maybe so no one will jump on me too hard?)
But I did want to comment on a couple things said earlier about the "they don't look like you" and "will they speak English/speak with an accent" comments you've gotten from less than nice folk out there. I'm of Mexican ancestry, 100%. My mom and dad are both from Mexico.
The post-man didn't ring twice, or so my mom assures me...and I'm not adopted, but man oh man, I am one of the palest mexicans out there. I have hazel eyes that like being green most of the time. I have brown hair that goes to copper CURLY RINGLETTES naturally. I have freckles! I look about as mexican as your average born on the Isle Irish lass. I was almost taken away from my father at the airport coming back from Mexico once when I was about 8 or so, because that girl COULD NOT be his daughter. Just look at her...The only thing that saved me was my crying and reaching out FOR MY MEXICAN LOOKING dad and spouting in Spanish (my first language).
So...I hate to point out the obvious here, but people can be pretty lame (or fill in with your word of choice) about stereotyping & etc far too often for comfort, and that makes me sad.
On the second bit, the accent, George Lopez put it best, us mexicans, we are some kind of people, only ones that can be born and raised in the US and STILL have mexican accents. So feel free to look at these DAs (dumb-a$$es) and say, "no, they're not mexican." :) Or kick it back to them, "why? do you think I have an accent?"
As I learned growing up the "one of these things is not like the other one" of the family, laughter heals a whole bunch of wounds.
-Mary Martinez
Oh Lord Lorrie.....it has finally happened....blog drama on your lovely abode.
I hope you are well.
I agree that "why China" isn't the same as "why not the US," and many people just don't know. I do know a few folks who adopted from China for purely altrustic reasons, but many of us with kids from China have looked at other options as well. We certainly did. We found that China was the program that suited our needs the best. We wanted a historically reliable program through which we could adopt a young child in a reasonable amount of time. In China, we got that in spades. The answers were quite different when we asked about domestic adoptions in our state. We believe all children deserve a home, but we know that as an infertile older couple, it wasn't our job to try to remedy all the ills in the adoption system to make that possible.
Wouldn't it be nice if I could volunteer some people adopt or foster all the children in the foster care system? But who should I volunteer? Hmm, I know, I think I'll volunteer infertile people. Because what the foster system needs are inexperienced parents. Then I wouldn't have to feel so bad about all the children languishing in the system without actually having to do any of the hard work of helping a hurt child myself. Maybe I should tell all the brawny people I run into that they should go down and build houses in New Orleans. I'd do it but I'm scrawny you see.
I'm sorry, I guess I don't buy the "just asking for information" gambit. Anyone who can pick up a newspaper ought to have some inkling of the difficulties facing foster parents. What is really happening is do-goodism by proxy. Yes, I agree, it would be nice if we could volunteer others to do good works. Well, except for that tiny-weenie problem that the last thing the average foster child needs in another disrupted placement due to well-intentioned but under-prepared parents.
I used to get really defensive when asked why didn't I "adopt from foster care". Adopting a child who has been hurt by their biological parents is much much harder blah blah blah. And really it was so silly. I was always asked by someone who had biological children and never had any intention of adopting a child from foster care themselves but who thinks it would be really nice for society if I did it. And I got defensive about MY actions? What was I thinking?
I know some foster parents and these people are my heroes. But it has to be something one wants to do. If one doesn't like painting, one can spend a weekend doing it anyway for Habitat for Humanity just because it is a good thing to do. But you can't do something really difficult that you really don't want to do day in and day out for years and do a good job of it.
Good one Ernie.
thanks for the info
thanks for the info
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