Blogher 08

Hey Nineteen

First I need to explain to you that I wasn't the fat pimply friendless geek girl, ok? But I had a lot of dork in me. Oh yes. A lot. That just happens to be a picture of me in flattering light without the 6 foot thick glasses which I wore in the day. I still wear glasses. I can't wear contacts and lasik scares me.

Then I need to explain to you that I am almost frighteningly gregarious, I love parties, I love drinking and smoking, I love meeting total strangers and partying. I am Southern, trained to be GRAY-SHUS. Trained to be social.

And I could have easily gone to Blogher 08 this year.

But I'm terrified. TERRIFIED.

Because I'm a Z-list blogger. And the first time that somebody looked at my badge, didn't recognize me, and walked away would have devastated me.

And this hot, gorgeous, popular chica was snubbed. Good lord, if it had been me, I probably wouldn't have just been snubbed, I probably would have been beaten over the head with an Ipod phone, first generation.

And of course the entire internet is talking about the Unfortunate Series Of Events that was started by the awesome and funny Bloggess posting an adorable post which made me laugh (and which I thought was supposed to be flattering, seriously) about The World's Most Famous and Revered Blogger. And the aftermath was caught on videotape.

And if someone had called me Janet I would have simply locked myself into a bathroom stall the same way I did when Susan Shelley pointed out that I had corn stuck on my braces in the 8th grade.

And I won't lie to you...I'm still a seething mass of insecurity and sheer terror.

Somebody talked about meeting people she had actually exchanged emails with, them reading her tag, and walking away. I've exchanged emails with some very very popular people and talented writers who have written very nice responses to a total stranger writing them. (Well Miss Cellania is a friend of mine, but the others didn't know me from adam). A blogger that writes the some of the funniest stuff on the web has complimented my blog and it made my day. Yeah, I'm a fangirl.

And once again the web vibrates with the sound of "I had a great time and made some awesome connections" vs. "It was just like high school and I felt left out and excluded from the private parties." Of course, some ballsy chicks crashed it. If a one of the most famous chicks on the net felt insecure, gawd help me.

I don't want to spend a thousand dollars on a trip only to be regressed to high school dance time.

Ok, I'll start slow with Blogher Greensboro. And if some of my homies want to be my roommate next year in SF? Email me. I love to party, I love swag, and I love the idea that bloggers are finally getting some respect from the real world. Even if the New York Times didn't write about them in the right section.

Vitamin D And Me

A couple of you guys have written me about Vitamin D. I'll tell you all I know about it which is precious little. As you can tell from the picture, I could easily play Casper The Friendly Ghost without makeup. I gave up tanning when I was 13. All I wanted was please God if you could just make my legs one degree darker than the rest of my body so I could show my friends my "awesome tan" on the first day of school while wearing my short shorts. This time of year I can go out without sunscreen and my nose will turn Ted Kennedy red in 5 minutes. So you can see I gave up tanning and turned to other vices to age ungracefully, such as smoking, drinking, and promiscuous.....what? You think I'm telling you all the good stuff? Not till the book contract is signed babee.

Last summer I was diagnosed with a Vitamin D deficiency and took 50,000 units per day. That's the prescription dosage and it only lasted for a week or two. The new doctor I'm seeing prescribed the same thing for a week. I did feel great that week, but I suspect it had a lot more to do with the epidural spinal injection than it did with the Vitamin D. I take 2,000 units a day regularly.

Ok, that's it. Consult a licensed healthcare provider for more info! They can run a test for it which is pretty cheap--I think.

There Is A Cure For The Summertime Blues

This picture pretty much says it all about life Chez Clueless. We saw this house one day in 1995 with a huge pool and, ignoring the fact that it needed thousands of dollars worth of repairs and updating, bought it on the spot. Now, thirteen years later, we are old and gray (and poor) and we are entertaining the entire neighborhood of pre-adolescents. Oh the drama! I feel like the doorman at one of those fancy clubs in NYC. ARE YOU ON THE LIST TODAY?

'Cause see, you have to get past the doorgirls, Madeleine and Meredith, in order to use the pool. And if you aren't on the list, you are not permitted entry into the Gates Of Heaven. I can't keep up with it. Suffice to say that I completely ignore the house phone at this point, for it's either Tiffany or Morgan or Drake or Josh wanting to know if they can come over and swim, or it's somebody informing me that my HVAC system will probably self-detonate unless their most excellent servicemen are granted an appointment to service it.

And last week they were all at Tiffany's party, see, and Kayleigh STOLE FOUR GIFT BAGS. So like, totally, Kayleigh was persona non grata for like, a whole week. Kayleigh had accidentally left some clothing at the house and I had to hand it to her while she was standing at the fence forlornly watching the favored ones frolic in the briny deep. I think they made up with her, but while I was cleaning the house I found a piece of paper under the sofa that said

I HATE KAYLEIGH

I HATE KAYLEIGH

I HATE KAYLEIGH

What's next? A voodoo doll?

And Madeleine wants to sleep over at Tiffany's and so does Meredith, but then Meredith calls us at 11:00PM sobbing that she needs to come home, so both of them came home. Pffft. Should have told her that they don't let you out of boot camp that easily and made her suck it up I guess.

So, what's up with me? Well, I went to this pain doctor hoping to score some legal narcs, and instead he bounces in the room like a ping-pong and informs me that he has the CURE for fibromyalgia and puts me on 6 different drugs, nothing delightfully naughty, alas.... mostly anti yeast stuff, and I have to go in 2x a week to be on a TENS machine that does seem to help. He did give me a great epidural spinal injection that took away every bit of pain for a whole week. Wow, was that trippy. We will see. Stay tuned to this channel for further updates.

And the best news of all is that Mom is doing great in her new nursing home and I tried a psychic who claims she can get into the heads of people who can't really communicate any more and I'll be darned but she came up with some amazing hits on mom. Plus she coached me on how to transition her with a minimum of trauma and it worked. So Terry, thanks!!

It's 7 million degrees here in SC. Really surprising news, seeing as how it's July and all.

And that is about all the news that is fit to print. Hope everybody is having a good summer.

And My Heart Did A Little Dance

Jacksonville, Florida 1957

I took a picture of Mom at home just before we took her to the nursing home where she will probably live out the rest of her life. It's awful looking. I can't put it up here. Instead, I found these pictures in one of her several lock boxes. It's a beautiful Sunday in Jacksonville, Florida and it's 1957 and a happy young couple is clowing around with some friends.

We put Mom in a new nursing home on July 2, 2008, one day after her 83rd birthday. Things were rough the first few days. I had the worst fibro flare from all the tension, and Mom was so angry, so confused, so disoriented.


But now she's doing much better! She has her hair cut in an adorable bob, she's making some new friends, she's enjoying the food, and she's safe. SAFE.


List of things Mom did while at home being supervised by a caregiver:

1. Tried to cook a shirt in the microwave to warm it up.


2. Tried to cook a pillow in the microwave.


3. Escaped out the front door and fell, but those calcium pills paid off. No broken bones, ever.


4. Tossed several dozen paper towels down the toilet, necessitating another plumber's bill for $293.


I tried to watch her, and so did the other caregivers. But if you've ever tried to "watch" a toddler, you know that they can get in trouble in a second. Same with an Alzheimer's patient.


Today when I saw her clean and neat with a stylish new haircut enjoying talking to her new friends, my heart did a little dance. It would have been a better dance if a miraculous cure was announced for Alzheimer's and Fibromyalgia, but it was a dance nonetheless.

Life goes on, and now I can too. It's summertime! And Mom is safe in a lovely place! And she's not hating it! And...and.. things are going to be okay. Somehow, things are going to be ok.

When I'm 64

You want US to support you one day? ROFLOL

When I get older losing my hair,

Many years from now.

Will you still be sending me a valentine

Birthday greetings bottle of wine.

If I'd been out till quarter to three

Would you lock the door,

Will you still need me, will you still feed me,

When I'm sixty-four?

You'll be older too,

And if you say the word,

I could stay with you.

I could be handy, mending a fuse

When your lights have gone.

You can knit a sweater by the fireside

Sunday mornings go for a ride.

Doing the garden,

digging the weeds,

Who could ask for more.

Will you still need me,

will you still feed me,

When I'm sixty-four.

Every summer we can rent a cottage

In the Isle of Wight

if it's not too dear

We shall scrimp and save

Grandchildren on your knee

Vera, Chuck & Dave

-The Beatles "When I'm 64"

THE BILLS ARE ARRIVING FOR MOM.

IN HOME CARE: $14,000/ month.

NURSING HOME CARE: $5400/month

Wanna know what Roger's pension is after retiring fully vested under the State of South Carolina? 25 years service? I don't mind telling you. I've never understand why we all feel we need to be so secretive about money. $1400/month.

Projected Social Security income: $900/month. We'll be getting that in 7 years.

BABYBOOMERS, TREMBLE IN FEAR!!!!!!

"They" predict that one day there will be 2 workers for every 1 person on Social Security. Do you see our children and our children's children eagerly chipping in for mum and dad's rheumatism medicine, nursing home care, in home care, etc?

I DON'T. Furthermore, I DON'T WANT MY KIDS TO HAVE TO SUPPORT ME. As Suze Orman says, all I want to have to ask for is more time with my grandchildren.

Mom and Dad worked very hard to save for their future. If only mom had checked one little box on her nursing home insurance application:

"Inflation premium".

'Cause she is getting $50/a day.

My mom has enough money to last her for the rest of her life, if I carefully manage it, I think. I hope. Mom and Dad worked really hard to save for their retirement. They didn't factor in Alzheimer's, though.

I'm not putting forward anything new here, I know. Zillions of economists are predicting the same thing. Basically, we baby boomers are going to have to work a lot longer than our parents, pay for our own Depends, and the ones who don't are going to be placed in some hellish care facility that makes Alcatraz look like Club Med.

Well, I'm waking up now. I just increased my 401K contributions to $300/month from $100/month and we do already live extremely frugally.

Plus, read this book.

Nobody's paying me to recommend it. But I can honestly say that this book changed my life. I was already doing some things right (no credit card debt) but she's got a lot more stuff that I never thought about.

Face it guys. We had to fight to get into college, we had to fight to get jobs, we are now having to fight to put gas in our car, and we're going to have to fight to support ourselves till the day we go to that great BabyBoomer crib in the sky.