Y'Ain't Onna Them LESBIANS, are you?

As long as we're dodging the bullets flying while scampering down Memory Lane...


I also underwent agonizing fertility treatment.


Ahem. Excuse me while I split my sides laffing.


Hell, after reading the fertility blogs, my "treatment" was the equivalent of a bubble bath while sipping margaritas and being hand-fed truffles by George Clooney while Brad Pitt gently massages my feet.


But let us begin at the beginning.
I made an appointment with a fertility doctor. Roger wasn't too psyched about the whole thing, so I went alone. He is sterile, and had resisted artificial insemmination for years, but after our fun filled DSS experience relented and let me go ahead.


I had an initial intake interview with Dr. Dickhead. I've seen more warmth when confronted by snarling pit bulls. "Where's your HUSBAND?" was his opening statement to me.


"Um...er.....he's on a business trip," I lied nervously, twisting my wedding band in a frenzy.


A few minutes later he sent the nurse in.


"I need to ask you something," she said. "Y'ain't onna of those LESBIANS, are you? Dr. Dickhead does not service lesbians or single women."


What I wanted to say:


1. Why yes. Would you like to have dinner tonight?


2. No, but I did dream about having sex with Cher once. Well, Sonny was there, too, but I really preferred Cher.


3. I do prefer sex with women, but that's because I'm actually a man myself. Don't let this lace collar fool you.


4. I'm actually ambidextrous. I like sex with both men and women.


5. I only wish that I was! Men are such PITAs.


6. I honestly doubt that a lesbian would want to be serviced by Dr. Dickhead.


7. Would you be good enough to excuse me for a minute? I feel the need to run screaming from this office as if I'm being pursued by a pack of rabid wolves.


What do you think I said?


I'm a Southern lady, and Mom is always watching me.


I said, "No ma'am."