What's Up

Sorry I haven't updated in awhile, but I've been busy. First we had this enormous trial which had me working 15 hours a day, then a friend's wedding to attend, then this and that and whatever. Also the birthday extravaganza just keeps rolling.

I dread the month of September. First we had a family celebration....
which involves several thousand people.

Then the slumber party...

And then tomorrow we're throwing a party for Meredith at her favorite place. She suggested Charles E. Cheese but I cowered under the table and counter suggested that maybe her dream party could be at McDonald's.

I'm lovin' it.

Well, sort of.

So tomorrow I'm going to Walmart and buy a cheap cake and have them write "Happy Birthday Meredith" on it and we'll call it a day, just in time for me to start dreading next September.

So what else is going on? Well, I read Reclaiming History, a 1600 page tome by my homie Vincent Bugliosi. Let me sum it up for you:

1. Kennedy was assassinated.
2. Oswald did it.

There. Feel free to use my copy for a book report. It'll probably get you an A. Vincent does like to talk. He had me convinced by the end that Daddy probably wasn't at the grassy knoll, although Daddy was in Dallas that day (seriously) and hated the Kennedys. Well, there goes my book.

Oh, and I got a phone call telling me that Mad was being considered for the Gifted & Talented program and would be taking the final test the next day and would I please make sure she ate a healthy breakfast and not to worry about it. Worry? I'm supposed to toss and turn at night over a fourth grader? A friend who is a college admissions offer informed me that they never look at anything before high school so never mind about sending her to do volunteer work after 6th grade at an orphanage and that she didn't have to try for an Eagle Scout award. Wait a minute, I think that is the Boy Scouts. Wonder if they have Eaglette Scouts? We were asked not to tell her why she was being tested but she came home that night and said that they took her in a room for the test. The door sign read "Gifted And Talented Program" and being able to read and all, she managed to figure it out. She made it. Go Madeleine! I'll be sure to work it into her Harvard application essay nonetheless.

"As I walked into the room marked 'Gifted and Talented' in the fourth grade, I realized that I enjoyed academic challenges, the same type that I crave at Harvard, and when I cradled the orphans at age 11, I also learned the joys of serving my community which I hope to be able to do with the skills garnered by my Harvard diploma..... "

I might as well write the whole thing out now. "Even though I never neglected my academic pursuits, I also came in 2nd in the 4th grade races (held today) even though the winner was twice my size and looked like she had repeated fourth grade several times over. This gave me the grace to accept the 'slings and arrows of adverse fortune' if I am not named Neurosurgeon of the Year after I finish medical school. I was also able to handle the sadness that I felt when Zac Efron married somebody else."

Meredith is also garnering academic accolades. Well, sort of. I emailed her 1st grade teacher to ask if her reading was coming along and I received a return email describing her as "a joy to teach!" and that she was doing ok.

Oh, and somebody stole my library book from my buggy while I was getting my hair dyed orange (it was SUPPOSED to be "Strawberry Blonde" not "Florida Orange") at Walmart. So I called the library and they told me that I had to file a police report. Well, you can imagine the reception I got down at headquarters.

"I'm sorry to bother you over this little thing," I told the officer apologetically. "If it makes you feel any better, I do have a dismembered corpse in my trunk."

Hmm, I guess I had better get back to bed. Have I cleverly worked into my post all the things that I brag about to my friends IRL causing them to feign headaches to get away from me as I clutch their lapels and babble incessantly? Why no, I haven't.

Roger displayed amazing grace under fire today as he valiantly endured the screams of three females after they discovered ants invading their box of Dunkin' Donuts sitting on the counter. He covered the kitchen countertop with poison as Madeleine prepared to junk the whole box of donuts and I rushed over to her and screamed "Don't! I can scrape them off."

Mom happened to be visiting and cheerfully remarked that the ants had probably already started laying eggs in the donuts.

"Extra protein," I shrugged as I flicked off ants buried in the chocolate icing.

I just ate two. If I die, just remember that I'm brilliant and so are my kids. And I'm basically a good person. Even if I do lose my temper sometimes and hack up a person here and there.

Finis.