Madeleine: "What's for dinner, Mommy?"
Me: (Warmly and lovingly, wearing pearls and heels and shirtdress with flared skirt and skinny belt and a tiny little g-string...ahem..excuse me, where was I) "Chicken casserole, dear!"
Madeleine (skeptically) "With CHICKEN?"
Me: "Well, DUH!"
That might sound like a particulary 'tard question, but, as you can see from the picture, it was a extremely legitimate one.
You see, I am a....vegetarian. And I have this kid, Madeleine, who adores cooked dead animals. So I found these awesome Morningstar fake chicken and fake steak things to put in meals. They are so new that I went to Morningstar's website and they weren't even on there! But the chicken one made a quite legitimate looking and tasting casserole. Tomorrow--"steak" stir fry.
Now let me get one thing straight. I'm not a crunchy granola type. I love leather purses, shoes, boots, strap-ons...ahem. Where was I? And I don't honestly give a flying monkey's paw what YOU eat. So don't think I'm going all smug here. Meat just doesn't agree with my digestive system.
And I can't sanctimoniously say that "the last time I ate a Quarter Pounder was 1978." Ok, the last time I ate a Quarter Pounder was the day after I had to put my puppy to sleep two weeks ago. I inhaled that suckah in three minutes. mmmm... But I paid dearly for three days while my body howled and growled..
Madeleine: "Why are you taking pictures of your chicken casserole, Mommy?"
Me: "Because I am an artiste, darling."
Lying is good. Lying is a good, good thing.
Me two weeks ago: "Here, Madeleine, have some delicious barbecued tofu."
Madeleine (suspiciously) "Is that an ANIMAL, Mommy?"
Me: "Yes, a brave strong tofu who once roamed the plains of Africa. (Madeleine eats) Do you like it, darling?"
Madeleine: "YUM!"
Yeah, so I'm a little conflicted here. I don't want to be the Granola Mommy whose kids are smoking pot while sucking down a Monster Cherry Slurpee and Tastee Kake topped with a side of beef jerky in college and cracking up their friends about the wacky stuff that Mom made them eat. OTOH, I want to try to feed my kids reasonably healthy stuff.
My mom was a strict no soda person. My sister and I are both coke (oh shut up, I mean the stuff you drink) addicts. My drink of choice is Diet Rite (no sugar, sodium, or caffeine). My sister is a Real Coke drinker.
I do think there's something to the forbidden fruit thing...so my kids are allowed one can of Diet Rite a day. (sweetened with Splenda) Meredith loves it, Mad hates all soda. I'm trying to train Mere's taste buds so that the first time she drinks a sugar soda (YUCK) she'll think it's disgustingly sweet.
And I serve lots of naughty looking "AMERICAN" food. Veggie hot dogs with whole wheat buns, veggie hamburgers, veggie sausage, veggie steak, veggie chicken, veggie buffalo wings, well, I think you get the point. Veggie pizza (with fake hamburger for Madeleine)..
And they get lots of treats in the summer--sugar-free ice cream, pops, bars, etc.
And they know the worst thing you can possibly say about food is "Pure Sugah!"
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4 comments:
I always enjoy your entries. My only complaint is that they aren't posted frequently enough.
I was brought up by a Crunchy Granola Dad (a Wonder Bread eating friend came over to my house one day and was like, "Why is all the food in your house BROWN?") who shopped at health food stores and never gave me candy, junk food, soda or red meat. In my early twenties, I ate bacon like crazy, visited McDonald's at least twice a week, drank soda constantly, and ate so many Reese's Peanut Butter Cups my teeth fell apart.
In my thirties, I am Crunchy Granola, as is my husband. It's partly self-preservation: my Madeleine-ish son turns into a demon spawn when he eats sugar. (When clerks in stores offer him candy and are offended when I won't take it I always want to say, "Listen, feed him the candy and then YOU take care of him for the next hour. It will be SO MUCH FUN.") Any meat other than fish makes me feel sick and sugar makes me feel anxious and upset, so no more candy or soda. And junk food? It just tastes gross now.
The other day we'd eaten all our packed lunch and were still hungry and stopped at a McDonald's to eat. We both ate three french fries and a bite of our fish filets before my son said, "Mama, this is...kind of gross," and we threw it all away.
I'm perfectly prepared for him to turn into a tv-watching, candy - wrapped - in - bacon eating 22 year old, but if he does, I bet he's over it by the time he turns thirty.
Whoops - I meant to say "Meredith-ish".
Yumm. Dead cow. Your daughter is welcome to dinner at my house anytime. Tonight is steak.
I tried the granola eating non meat thing for a while and got terribly sick. Oh well.
Great site!
Rethink the aspartame thing for small children, Clueless. Not a good chemical for anyone. Read up....
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