MEN SUCK (The Home Decorating Edition)

I know, I know, my lesbian friends complain about their wives too. But my lack of recent posts has to do with the fact that we are redecorating because the insurance adjuster was nice enough to realize that it would be unpleasant to have the bathroom floor cave in. So we are fixing things up a little bit. Our contractor, who is a lovely man and if you want his name write me because I will be glad to give it to you but I don't want y'all calling him and tying him up when I'm trying to hire him so just remember that I have first dibs and we'll get along fine.

So the bathroom gets fixed up (pics as soon as it's all together) and of course the adjoining master bedroom suddenly looks like a room in a tastefully decorated, but dirty and shambling brothel, so I asked him to please paint the walls and cover over the ceiling popcorn, which I loathe with a seething passion. (I'm not gonna repeat that any more but just imagine that every word of this post is inspired by SEETHING! PASSION!!!). There you go.

He said "Will you marry me?" and I thought it over for about 15 seconds and said yes. 19th anniversary coming up October 10! I love Roger so much!! He's the sweetest, most wonderful man, good looking, a great daddy, a good cook, and I forget what else.

But I apparently need to have someone take me out and repeatedly bang my head against a wall until I realize that ONE MAY POSSESS STERLING CHARACTER AND STILL HAVE ATROCIOUS TASTE IN HOME DECORATING. I know!! It shocked me too.

Because 19 years ago, with stars in my eyes (and they're a pain, worse than contacts to take out and put on) I invited my betrothed to....

........

........GO WITH ME TO REGISTER FOR CHINA.

I found a wonderful pattern right away, of course, but Roger disliked it BECAUSE MEN HAVE NO TASTE EXCEPT IN THEIR MOUTH. At least THIS man does. Phooey on you.

So today we are still eating from this:



This is "Garden Harvest" by Mikasa. The "Fresh Prince of Bel-Air" family used it on their show. It looks much prettier in this picture. It isn't horrible. The colors are muted and...eh, I like bright colors.

So I went online and after two minutes of shopping, I had selected the bedspread I wanted from Anthropologie. (The link does not seem to be working. It's http://www.anthropologie.com).

This is the most wonderful store in the world. They sell amazingly beautiful items marked up 1500% or so, I'd guess. They lure you in with their beauty.

I selected this bedspread even though I knew it was completely impractical with two dogs, two kids, and two adults and would look like an old undershirt in about 6 months. But ooooohhhhhhh pretty WANT:



"Have you selected a matching nightie and some lacy undergarments from Victoria's Secret for me?" he inquired snarkily.

50 more "Come see this!" later....He'd wander to the computer, stare at a picture, and shake his head sadly...I had determined the Rules Of Buying Bedding for Manly Manly Men.

"Your rules," I sighed. "Let me see if I get this straight.

1. No ruffles. I might as well stir my estrogen pills in your morning coffee."



I snuck this one in as a shower curtain, however.



2. No quilts. "They look too busy," he told me sadly.



Then it happened! I found one we both liked!!



Three days later, the phone rang. It had been discontinued. OF COURSE IT HAD.

I was spending 5 hours a day on the computer looking for bedding. I am not exaggerating. I believe that I have looked at almost every king size quilt online.



3. No flowers. "I am not sleeping with flowers," he stated.

He cried like a girl when I suggested this one. We had one exactly like it on our bed for years. I still have it, but I didn't drag it out for proof as that would have led down a lonely road of me suggesting that his male menopause might be threatening his manhood or something and him rushing to a stripper bar to prove he still had the Right Stuff. Eh, why tempt fate? Or picky, finicky crabby older men?

Finally I found one on ebay and ordered it.



And now I can start blogging again. I can eat, sleep, take a bath, ignore my childrens' attempts to ignore me, and generally get back in the game.

Let's rejoice.

P. S. Now I can start searching for curtains.

P. P. S. My baby girl turned ELEVEN today!!! More on that later.