Dear Madeleine (or Maddie)
Happy 13th birthday!
I always knew that I would have a daughter. I saved all my Scholastic Books for you. My copy of Gone With The Wind. My copy of Little Women. A closet full of sentimental clothing.
You were like the very last, delicious Christmas present under the tree. You were hidden far back, 3000 miles away, and I waited patiently while my friends reproduced, enjoying being childfree, until one day it wasn't fun anymore and I reached back and selected the little present, glowing with all the colors of the universe, and untied it and found the daughter I had always known was there.
I've said it before a million times but you and I are so much alike that we must have planned it in that other world people claim exists, the world we come from and go back to when our time here has passed. We have the same teeth, the same eye prescription, the same back problems, the same clumsiness, the same love of reading and computers, the same interest in BOYZ, the same sarcastic sense of humor, the same unstoppable drive when we want something. We both love to stay up late, chocolate, music, picking on our little sister, jewelry, long hair, "thin" clothes, the water...I could go on.
As you slowly become the woman I already know I will be proud of, a few hard won words of advice. You listen avidly to every word that falls from my lips, as every 13 year old does. /hahahahahahahahahahaha Sometimes, though, you can't help yourself and actually ask my advice about something.
Well, here are a few suggestions. Not the Ten Commandments. Just Ten Suggestions. Take it and run into womanhood and I will be cheering you on every step of the way.
1. You will fail if you step out of the box and try stuff. Auditioning. Applying for scholarships, jobs, clubs, teams. Asking to friend someone on whatever social network you will be using, maybe FBoogle when they combine. Applying to be a friend and or/lover in real life. The only alternative is to not try.
2. If you fail, ask why. I once got a job that opened up a lifetime of other opportunities because I had read in a magazine article in the Reader's Digest that you should do that. It was an internship at the South Carolina State House. I parleyed that into a p/t job, then a p/t job in the law office of one of my bosses, then into a resume enhancing opportunity. I sent an old IRL friend THREE Facebook requests and didn't get a reply. Heartbroken, I wrote and asked why. She hadn't received any of them. If you don't get hired for a job you think you should have been offered, call up and ask why. I learned something on my last interview when I did that. I was too hyped up, too talkative, too presumptive. (I asked to meet the Vice President, a friend of a friend, and the hiring officials were horrified, thinking I was trying to...WHAT? She had nothing to do with hiring or firing. I obviously wanted to meet her and have her say, "My, that LCW was certainly a wonderful young lady," to the hiring committee. Didn't work. But at the next job interview or disability hearing I will not chatter like a magpie.
3. Don't believe anybody who tells you if you tell them a secret they will remain silent even if bamboo slivers were rammed in their nails. They are already texting it to another dear friend while you're on the phone with them or together and one of you leaves to visit the facilities. Think: Would I like to see this information displayed on a highway billboard? Then okay!!
Sometimes you can use this for your benefit. Let it get out that you are thinking of dropping your boyfriend if you want him to propose. Let it get out that you are interviewing for new jobs if ....watch it, you're playing with fire here. You could end up with a huge raise and promotion or you could end up being escorted out of your workplace with a box of family pictures and a security guard.
4. Expect the best, plan for the worst. I had no idea that I had a silent time bomb in my body called fibromyalgia that would strip me of my health, my ability to sleep on schedule, my career, time with my children, painless days, countless "friends." My parents always said to get a secure state job. They were right. I lost my job but was able to get state retirement disability.
5. Don't do ANYTHING just because everybody else is doing it. In case you were wondering that includes drinking, smoking, having carnal relations, driving without a seatbelt, failing to study for that test, marrying, having kids, going to USC, getting a Mike Tyson tattoo on your face, wearing clothes that resemble washcloths, chasing boys, texting while drunk or driving or both, allowing someone else's opinion of you to influence you either positively or negatively, skydiving, parasailing, spreading cruel gossip, taunting people you think are losers, laughing at racist/sexist/both jokes, hooking up with a guy, ANY guy, just so you have someone, and, well, everything else that's fun.
It does not include making good grades in school, telling your mom that you worship the very ground she walks on, driving safely, and being a good person.
6. Don't let anyone photograph you naked. Don't photograph anyone while you're naked. People get arrested for that.
7. Men. Choose a man who reminds you of a labrador retriever puppy. Friendly, hairy, not too bright, jumps for joy when he sees you, is honest, has a good sense of humor, and is potty trained. Never date a man who hates his mother. Never date a man who adores his mother. Unless you WANT her all up in yo bidness 24/7.
8. The color of their skin has nothing to do with the content of their character.
9. Try not to hate anybody. Just forget them. You can bet they aren't thinking about YOU. You will run across people without a conscience. They broke your heart and moved on. Why? Because they literally do not have the capacity to feel anything except their own needs and desires.
10.
Words to say:
I love you.
If you like it then put a ring on it.
Mom? Dad? I need help.
I'm sorry.
I'm listening.
Can I help?
Thank you.
No that dress does not make you look fat, but I saw a cuter one when we came in the store. Why doncha try that one on.
Words NOT to say:
I hate you.
I wish I were dead.
Gimme me ^&*^(*&^*(*^ car keys, I'm not funk, I mean punk, ah, um, drunk.
Are you pregnant?
Well, if you just ran out of them, I guess it's okay this one time.
Honey, what do you think of this bedding? (BITTER RECENT EXPERIENCE WITH HUSBAND WHO HATES QUILTS)
Honey, why don't we pick our our china together? (GARDEN HARVEST. HATE!!!)
I think I'll get some lip collagen!
It just isn't FAIR!!!! *unless you can figure out a solution
Nobody around here. Think I'll bump up the speedometer.
I will never get over him.
Good luck, Godspeed, Bon Voyage, Best Wishes, And A Million Hugs and Kisses,
mom
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