It never occurred to me that my children would be anything but top achievers.
Adopted or not, I simply figured that..oh I don't know...marinating in the scholarly atmosphere around Chez Clueless would be enough to lift any child to heights of achievement heretofore only known by luminaries such as Einstein, me, and a few other geniuses out there.
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So when our adopted children won a full scholarship for 3 years to a private school when they were 4 and 6 I simply smiled modestly and accepted this as only the start of great things to come.
I was brought up in a world where academic success was assumed. I was adopted, and by 6 I understood that the question wasn't if I was going to college, or if I intended to pursue graduate work, the question was how many masters degrees/PhDs/MDs/JDs I intended to acquire.
You think I'm kidding, but I'm not. My dad and his two sisters all had their bachelor's degrees. Sister 1 had a masters in French. Sister 2 had a MD and a MS from Cornell. Father had 2 masters and a PhD from the University of North Carolina.
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I made mom laugh when I told her I intended to graduate Maggie Come Louder. I was 8. When I was 20, I received a degree Maggie Come Louder.
When I got the letter informing me that Madeleine could take the Duke TIP SAT at the age of twelve, I shrugged. My only concern was whether or not we could afford to send her to Duke for the summer camp offered to kids who scored high enough.
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Got the scores today. I was amazed and thrilled to see that she scored 48% on Reading Comprehension. That means that our 12 year old child, who spent crucial formative months in an orphanage on the other side of the world, scored higher than 48% of junior/seniors in S.C. who took the test.
She missed summer camp by 20 points.
She sits first chair for 7th graders in the violin at her school orchestra. She is one of the top 5 Algebra I students (that's 9th grade Algebra) at her huge, rich, suburban school.
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My youngest, Meredith, racked up almost a perfect report card in the engineering magnet school for 4th graders during the last reporting period.
I won't lie to you. I was a little disappointed. And by "little" I meant "read the Duke website approximately 50 times, expecting the score on the letter to miraculously change."
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I told her the score only because I figured her Arch Nemesis at school would be waving his scores around tomorrow.
"You almost got into the Duke summer program but you missed it by 20 points but that's fine because I didn't know how we could afford to spend thousands to send you away all summer and anyway you would rather stay here and swim in the pool, right?" I asked. Then I took a breath.
"Sure, no problem," she replied.
Out of the mouths of babes.
No problem.
The kid is racking up points at school like a hyperactive pinball machine, studies violin and plays in the USC String Project Intermezzo orchestra with her former elementary school band director, and spends hours doing homework.
every night.
She's right. It's no problem.
In fact, I want her to be in the pool all day this summer, stopping only to consume junk food and text her friends about the exact time for the next visit/playdate/sleepover/party/swim date.
I want to take her to the beach and watch her read only books that have pictures of lovesick teenagers on the cover while my youngest is reading anime cartoon books.
I can't possibly imagine where I got the idea that kids need to be improving themselves every day, every hour. Oh. I know. FROM MY PARENTS? FROM THE WORLD?
From people who assume that all adopted kids are slow and promiscuous? (Read Jane Brown's writings if you want to know where I'm coming from with this one).
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Now here is where I'm supposed to have an epiphany that academic achievement isn't all that important after all, what's important is happiness.
Then Amy Chau's kids can get further ahead in the world.
No, I'm not having anything of the sort. I'm just going to say that I'm proud as heck of both of my gorgeous and wonderful kids and I want them to go far in the world.
But I also want them to take off the summer and just be kids.
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7 comments:
Congrats to the kids and to you also! I came from a very academically minded family and those high expectations. It can be hard to accept that everyone doesn't want those goals and it is ok. Glad your children are doing so well. Thinking of you and wishing you the best
You're awesome, Lorrie.
Interesting read, your blog. I'm also an adoptive mother. Somewhat educated and successful (I am director of a county office of education program). Both my girls are amazing to me, in vastly different ways.
Stepping back ... I was always a voracious reader- taught myself to read at the age of four so I wouldn't have to depend on anyone else to read the funny-papers to me on Sundays.
Neither of my girls took to reading for enjoyment, much to my disappointment. (They both read now)
My older daughter is now 29 years old - a high school teacher and mother of two. My younger daughter is 25 years old, a legal secretary.
Both young women are wonderful people, but neither has ever achieved the academic excellence you seem to strive for. Even with your "fun summer" ahead, your blog makes me wonder what would happen if either of your daughters failed to come home with all those "A"s.
Just saying.
Thanks you guys!
Anonymous.
I ask that my kids do their best. They are. If you care to peruse my archives, my youngest failed 1st grade because she wasn't ready.
I was supportive and tried as hard as I could to build her self confidence to the point where she is now racking up great grades at a magnet school. That didn't happen overnight.
I didn't insult her, I didn't lock her out in the cold, I don't even supervise homework because I'm usually knocked out from chronic fatigue syndrome.
My kids believe that I believe (and Roger) believe that they are the most wonderful people in the world. We tell them every day, and we compliment them lavishly.
I believe in uplifting with love. But I also believe in excellence. They have the chops to do well and I try to provide a loving supportive environment for it.
But if they do not do well, they are punished by such draconian measures as no video games until homework has been checked.
This was a good post and you have two excellent daughters, Lorrie.
But I wanted to comment in response to Anonymous.
I'm not adopted, and while I can see that being adopted could potentially result in certain academic setbacks, I don't think it, overall, has much to do with anything.
Like Anon, my mother didn't push me in school. I learned to read at an early age and spent countless hours reading books and writing stories all throughout school. But she didn't push me academically. My grades were unimpressive and I barely got a Bachelor's Degree. The job I have is a dead end and I don't see that changing anytime soon.
My brother, on the other hand, was pushed more than I was. By my mom, my dad, and later by his wife. He has a JD and works for a firm that represents clients whose products are probably all over your house.
I live with roommates and can barely afford the payment on my very inexpensive car. He just bought a brand new house.
I wish my mom had expected more excellence from me.
Anon here again ... I think the point of my comment was missed. I wasn't saying that expecting one's child(ren) to reach their potential is a bad thing. I was just struck by the statement made by Lorrie that she expected excellence right from the beginning - "It never occurred to me that my children would be anything but top achievers."
Sorry to burst anyone's bubble, but not every person in this world has the ability to be a top achiever, particularly in the academic realm, which is what the statement referred to.
(And although I did indicate that my daughters are adopted, I agree it is true that probably makes little difference, unless of course there was prenatal drug or alcohol exposure.)
I am wondering what if either (or both) of Lorrie's daughters did not possess the intellect or mental capacity to be top achievers? What if, no matter how many video games were withheld until homework was checked, no matter how many hours spent practicing spelling words, multiplication tables, geography facts, the child cannot ace the test? What then? What happens to the "it never occurred to me ... " part of the parent? What happens to the child?
And actually, I'm not really anonymous; I just don't have a google account.
Leslie in California
I admire your combination of positive expectations and ...relaxed attitude. Children these days don't always have the opportunity to NOT be constantly on the go.
My family was very intellectually curious and academically minded, but for whatever reason, I did not exactly rise to the challenge of recognized accomplishment. My parents supported any of our enthusiasms, but neither did they require us to be constantly occupied with academic enrichment activities. We just lived our lives, which happened to be full of interesting things, yet allowed time to pursue any developing passions. It's healthy to take both the time to work hard, and to play at leisure! Sorry, now I'm writing a book. :) I'm glad your children are finding their own pace and doing well.
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