Bad Poetry About Fat People Engaging In Depraved Acts

Yeah, okay, well leave it to Spike to hijack my blog just when a major incident was taking place on the internet while I was eating stolen Halloween candy.  Okay, I'll link to it, which is just what they want.   Because if you don't know about it, I don't want to put you to the trouble of finding it...

Should "Fatties" Get A Room?  Even On TV....

This piece, written by a sad woman who struggles with anorexia, expresses her opinion, backed and endorsed by her editor,  that well, just looking at fat people makes her lose the cracker and seltzer water she gobbled for lunch, and the thought of them, you know, Doing It is too distressing to even contemplate.  Sing it, my skinny sister!

People have pointed out that TV is rife with shows where the man is allowed to expand like the Goodyear blimp while his TV wife/girlfriend  is required to look more like a Victoria's Secret Model.   You know the drill.  Ever see The Honeymooners?   Nothing new.

The world has revolted against this piece.

From the above article:

The internet is now swamped with thousands of furious blog posts, tweets, and comments slamming her post - with many calling her 'hateful' and 'bigoted'.

'As a former "fatty" and current "chunky girl" I am appalled at your comments,' one commenter wrote on the blog.

'How DARE you judge people for what is going on in their hearts, their lifestyle or how they run their lives. Your flippant comments about how a person can get the weight off make me sick... The last thing anyone needs, skinny, obese or in between, is posts such as yours that make them doubt themselves or question their worth.'

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........ and in the meantime Marie Claire magazine has just earned themselves millions of dollars in free advertising.  One helpful person trying to explain how right-thinking citizens should feel about fat people gets shanked for her well meant efforts.  

Well, not being adverse to link baiting and thousands of dollars in free advertising AND being the self appointed Bad Poet Laureate of the Internet, I feel a poem bubbling up like sewage from the windmills in my mind.

So without further ado, a poem is born.  Sort of like Rosemary's Baby.

P.S.  This is satire.  Why, some of my best friends are fat!*

Bad Poetry About Fat People Engaging In Depraved Acts

Fatties are lazy, gross and slack

I hate to picture them in the sack.

My man rams my pointed hips,

And kisses my plump and juicy lips.

That's the only thing that should be plump,

If you got rolls then keep your junk

Tucked into a XXXX jean,

And if you MUST do it, DON'T BE SEEN.

Oh yeah, you say your partner's cool

Can't you see that you're a fool?

They're using you.  Don't think they're not.

They're praying for a chick that's hot.

I'm really trying to be nice

So here you go, some free advice.

Cover up those icky thighs

Until they reach acceptable size.

Avoid the beach and show some class

Don't make people retch at the sight of yo' ass.

Put down that shake and reach for a cracker.

Raw carrots-now that's a smart snacker.

Oh yeah?  About that baby stuff.

You get two weeks.  That is enough.

Just get a corset till you're size 4.

Kathie Gifford did.*  She knows the score.

Don't tell me that you like to eat,

That steak and french fries can't be beat,

You love life and dieting is work.

Bring on the wine, cheesecake, and pork.

So you don't have time to cook fresh food

Maybe...you say...you're not in the mood.

Well fine!  I'll see you at IHOP

I'll laugh at you, simply nonstop.

Till you get skinny, hugs and smiles.

I've gotta go run fifteen miles.

Smooches!

*Not saying I'd be seen with them in public, mind you.
*Two weeks after giving birth, Ms. Gifford squeezed into a size 4 corset to host the Miss America Pageant.  Bet that was comfortable!