Spike Discusses Pooping Which Should Get Mommy A Million Hits So She Can Buy Me Filet Mignon

This is Spike Da Ladeez Man, guest posting for Mommy who is busy eating Halloween candy.

As you can see I have turned out to be an extremely handsome and classy young gentleman and receive several hundred emails daily from young bitches* asking for a date.

Ladeez, I will get around to all of you, but pleeze remember that I am on a tight budget with barely enough to cover filet mignon for myself and so you will have to tweet on the date, and I don't mean on one of those phones if you get my drift heh heh heh.  You see I will keep you laffing while you reach for your American Express card.

I have a question and would like advice.

First of all, I need to explain that my Great Aunt once bot a rug which Mommy inherited and frequently exclaims, after discovering another deposit on the rug, "that **** rug probably cost more that my **** car."   I am afraid that Mommy uses words that would cause me or my three sisters (two hooman, one dog) to go to Time Out, or as they fondly refer to it, "the crate." 

I do not. understand. why are adults are allowed to use profanity around my sensitive ears but if I do it I am deprived of one of the few pleasure in my pathetic life which is surreptitiously unraveling a handwoved 20th century neeldelpoint rug which causes Mommy to use even more bad words.

I think my parents are crazy.

But I see that I am digressing from my mane point.

Well first of all let me show you the $29.00 rug that Mommy bought at Kohl's.  It's under the cawfee table.

"If you must poop in the house when we turn our back for one second," she screams, "why can't you poop on the  (alas, more profanity) cheap rug?"

Well, Ladeez and Gentleman, that is because I prefer to give my (ahem) business to a rug more suitable to my station in life, the Immitashun BookHara rug.   Plus, the living room is tastefully decorated in shades of blue and gween and I think the yellow stains (which I left before I finally agreed to pee outside) add a colorful accent.

Not only am I thoughtfully decorating the woom, but the extra exercise Mommy will get when she has to go out and buy another carpet steemer since I ate the handle off the old one will help work off all that candy that she's eating.

(which inspires me to also ponder why it's okay for adults to steal candy from their wonderful children while I am chastised severely for stealing food from my bitchy dog sister)

I think that I am one classy and thoughtful dog.  Don't you?

Peace out and remember to save the last piece of steak for me.  I'm a growing boy.

*bitches being the proper way to refer to female canines, not intending to be disrepectful.  I am extremely respectful.   "Ma'am," I always ask.  "May I please sniff your butt?"