Safety Tips

Well hi everybody. Did you make it through thanksgiving? We had a lovely meal with the inlaws (outlaws) on Thursday and then went to the nursing home to have lunch with Mom yesterday. Today is a day for fasting*, prayer**, and contemplation***.

*No more than 8 Girl Scout cookies
**That I didn't gain more than 8 pounds
***Of the fact that Oreo Cookie Pie and Pecan Pie contain more calories than lettuce and the cruelty of the universe.

Now I know we all hate all those emails flying around about warnings and killer red dye and such, but while cleaning out my mailbox I found one that I feel has merit. It contains some tips that I thought might be useful to pass along.

You Southerners know that we are almost frighteningly friendly to each other. I went for a sleep study last night and before we left, the sleep attendant knew my entire life story (I left out the part about my second grade teacher yelling at me for picking boogers in the middle of a lesson on grammar) and I knew hers. This is just what you DO in the south; a Grayshus Southern Lady who loves to babble incessantly (moi) has a very hard time steeling herself to be (gasp!) IMPOLITE.

However, I don't hesitate to follow my gut instincts after teaching grisly serial murder cases for 20 years to students. So, I present this to you for your perusal. It contains some tips that I've never heard before.

1. Tip from Tae Kwon Doo: the elbow is the strongest point on your body. If you are close enough to use it, do.

2. If a robber asks for your purse or wallet, do not hand it to him. THROW it as far as you can. Chances are that he is more interested in your wallet and/or purse than you and he will go for the wallet/purse. Then, naturally, you run like mad in the other direction.

3. If you are ever thrown into the trunk of a car, kick out the back tail lights, stick your arm out of the hole, and start waving like crazy. The driver won't see you, but everybody else will. (supposedly the newer cars have a latch you can pop, also).

4. How many times have you done this? I confess that I have. Women have a tendency to get into their cars after shopping, eating, working, etc. and just sit doing their checkbook, making a list, hunting for the ipod, phone (that's me!) Don't do this. The predator will be watching you and this is the perfect opportunity to get into the passenger side of the vehicle, stick a gun in your face, and tell you where to go.

5. As soon as you get into your car, LOCK THE DOORS. If someone is in the car with a gun to your head, do not drive off. Instead, gun the engine and speed into anything, wrecking the car. Your air bag will save you. If the person is in the back seat, they will take the impact of the collision. As soon as the car crashes, bail out and run. It is better than having them find your body in a remote location.

6. Again, NEVER drive off with somebody to a deserted place. You won't be leaving, until a stray hunter finds your bones.

7. A few more notes about getting into a car parked in a parking lot or a garage. Look around you before you enter your car. Look into the car, in the back seat, on the floor in the passenger side.

8. If you are parked next to a large vehicle such as a van, always enter your car from the passenger door. Most serial killers attack their victim by pulling them into their vans while the woman is attempting to get into her car.

9. Look at the car parked on the driver's side of your vehicle. If a man is sitting in the seat nearest your car, walk back to the mall and get a security guard to escort you to the car. Better safe than sorry; better paranoid than dead.

10. Always take the elevator instead of the stairs. Note: A direct quote from The Godfather, which I'm rereading: "He (Sonny) never used elevators. They were death traps." Well, I just do not know about this one. However, I do agree that these days, you're much more likely to find a crowd in an elevator. And if somebody gets in alone with you that trips your radar, get out. It's only a temporary inconvenience.

11. As a woman, we are always trained to be sympathetic. STOP. It may get you raped or killed. Ted Bundy, the serial killer, was an educated, clean cut young man who always played on the sympathies of a woman. He'd pretend to have a broken leg or arm, ask a woman to help him to the car, and managed to abduct victims from crowded spaces in broad daylight.

12. This sounds dreadfully hokey and urban legendish, but apparently the serial killer in Louisiana who dispatched many victims used this. He recorded a baby crying to lure women out of their locked houses. I guess you could use a whimpering puppy or mewing kitten also.

13. If someone turns on your outdoor water faucets at night, don't go out alone to turn them off. It could be kids playing a prank or it could be a serial killer. Wanna play Russian Roulette?

14. We Southern women STILL sit in restaurants with our purse slung casually over the back of our seat. Catch a Northerner doing this!!! Women, girls, chicks, broads, DON'T.

15. I recently dispensed advice to a young student going to NYC for the Macy's Day parade. I reminisced about a friendly woman who was swathed in a shawl during our honeymoon in NYC. She kept chatting with Roger and sidling closer and closer to him. You could not see her hands. PICKPOCKET PICKPOCKET PICKPOCKET.


Okay, I hope I didn't totally turn you off with these tips. I tried to clean up all the drama. Some of them were new to me, and heading into the holiday season with crowded malls and busy schedules, one never knows, does one? (quote borrowed from Archy McNally, protagonist of the "Archy McNally" series written by Vincent Lardo and Lawrence Sanders).

Happy and safe Holidays!!!