That Was Then, This Was Now

Setting: Ten Years Ago

I'd pull out an adorable outfit, dress her, and whirl her lovingly around like we were filming a Metropolitan Life Insurance Commercial.

Setting: Our House. Ten Years Later

Madeleine (hitherto known as Ungrateful Child): I want a poodle skirt to wear to my dance and for Halloween. Let's hit the stores.

Me: (hitherto known as Long Suffering Mom) Okay.

UG: (first Halloween store). Oh no! They're out.

LSM: I could probably make you a poodle skirt with some felt and a glue gun.

UG: (not even bothering to acknowledge such silliness) Let's hit another store.

LSM (next Halloween store) Here we go! Just your size--8-10- Let's go!

UG: NO! I'm a LARGE! Size 12!

LSM: Picks up poodle large, notices it has already been returned. Easily removes it from package. Holds it to child's waist. Hmm, looks okay. You happy?

UG: MOOOOOMMMM! THAT IS NOT MY WAIST!!!!!

LSM: WELL EXCUUUUUSEE ME! (Hands skirt to child) YOU hold it to your waist.
(Child holds it approximately at hipbones).

LSM: This work for you?

UG: Walks away, deep in thought.

LSM: Um, hello! Um.. Madeleine, if you don't like this, I can sew a poodle onto your concert black skirt for the party!

UG: Stops, turns around, eyes light up. You can?

LSM: Sure!

UG: Let's go to the fabric store! And I want the poodle to have sparkly eyes!!

LSM: (at fabric store) It closes early on Sunday. Let's go home.

LSM (at home) Okay, let's assemble your outfit.

UG: MOOOOOOOOOM! I have HOMEWORK TO DO!!!

LSM: No problem. Go naked to the dance, I don't care.

LMD: (Loud Mouth Dad) Well, I have a problem with this.

LSM: (saintly patience beginning to fade). UG, please go fetch the black skirt that you plan to use while I try to find the pink sweater your grandmother wore in the 40s.

UG: (sincerely) Mom, thanks. It helps me so much to have a mom who lived in the fifties.

LSM: I'm happy to help. (thinking: I ALMOST MADE IT TO 1960-only 10 months more!) Here you go, here's a nice, clean white shirt. Do you like that?

UG: (looks up from homework) nods briefly and ungraciously.

LSM: Okay. Now show me the black skirt you plan to use.

UG: Gets up, sighs loudly, goes to bedroom, reaches into hiding place, pulls out evening broomstick skirt that belonged to a Charity Dance type outfit purchased by UG's grandmother. LSM has been looking for said skirt for three weeks.

LSM (voice rising to levels heard only by dogs) WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THIS SKIRT! THIS IS AN EVENING SKIRT! IT DRAGS THE FLOOR ON ME! WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO, TRIP ALL THE BOYS AT THE DANCE??

UG: (sulks)

LSM: DON'T YOU DARE RAID MY CLOSET AGAIN, MISSY, WITHOUT PUTTING THE CLOTHES BACK IN PRISTINE CONDITION!!!

UG: (sulks)

LSM: Where's your old black velvet skirt?

UG: MOM! It's way too small!!!

LSM: (Finds old black velvet skirt belonging to her). Okay, here you go. Do you think this will work for you? I can pin it up to fit.

UG: (sulkily nods, turns to homework).

LSM: Repeat after me: "Thank you Mom, for working so hard to get me ready for the dance."

UG: (whispers)mmmmmmmmmtha..........hmmmphhhhhhh.

LSM: (to herself) If you need me, I'll be in a bubble bath wishing for strong narcotics.