Gotcha

July 21, 1999
Lyrics by Survivor “The Search Is Over”

Today I will become a mother. I am in Changsha, Hunan Province, China.

Our travel group assembles in the lobby of the hotel. I note idly that all the yuppie puppies have beautifully and expensively wrapped gifts for the orphanage. (It’s customary to give presents to the orphanage director). I look down at my bags from the dollar store.

I pop a Valium in my mouth. But it isn’t really necessary. For I am completely, totally, paralyzed. Numb.

This is all a dream, right?

As the bus rumbles through the town, I feel like a bride in an arranged marriage going to the wedding. Somebody else has shuffled through papers in a world far away and somehow matched a picture to our picture and this will be our daughter for the rest of eternity.

I would feel terrified—if I could feel anything at all.

Can we last forever,
will we fall apart
At times it's so confusing,
the questions of the heart

I think of all the years that led to today.

I was living for a dream,
loving for a moment
Taking on the world,
that was just my style

“I forgot to have kids” said the T-shirt. That just about sums it up. The years melted away. Then my dad died in 1997 and I started visiting fertility doctors.

Now the miles stretch out behind me,
loves that I have lost
Broken hearts lie victims of the game
Then good luck, it finally stuck like lightning from the blue
Every highway's leading me back to you

I think of the failed domestic adoption. We told everybody about it. It blew up in my face.

I think of the failed cycles of Clomid, the painful shots, the busted ovarian cyst that left me screaming in the ambulance. I don’t really believe this is going to happen. Motherhood is just a goal that I can’t even allow myself the luxury of contemplating. For it takes every bit of energy to painfully claw myself to the top of the mountain.

We get to the office. A small bundle is waiting in her nanny’s arms. Far across the room. The room is stifling hot and humid, but I don’t notice. The video camera notices and stops working.

I don’t think Madeleine is close enough to hear, but now I know those little ears can hear “ice cream” across a football stadium. The first words of maternal tenderness from me are a snarling “What’s the matter with this goddamn videocamera?”

Ok, the camera is working. A baby is placed in my arms.

Now I look into your eyes,
I can see forever
The search is over,
you were with me all the while

Thrilled parents are hugging their new children. Nobody is crying. Everybody starts to make small talk. We exchange some inane small talk with another family about which child looks the most like Connie Chung.

Suddenly an odor wafts towards me. Is it roses? Lilac? Frankincense? Myrr? Nope, Madeleine is the first baby to poop her pants. I could not be prouder! Parents beg me to remedy the situation. I rush her off to the bathroom and it all comes back to me—all the years of babysitting pay off. I change her and rush her back. We leave.

And the rest of my life begins. For better or for worse, my entire life is now this familiar stranger in my arms.

Now at last I hold you,
now all is said and done
The search has come full circle,
our destinies are one

I was living for a dream,
loving for a moment
Taking on the world, that was just my style

When I touched your hand,
I could hear you whisper..
the search is over,
love was right before my eyes