Time: 2010
Me to daughter: Honey, you can't go to the mall wearing a skirt the size of a washcloth.
Madeleine (weeping hysterically) I HATE YOU! YOU'RE NOT MY REAL MOTHER!
Me: Calmly sips martini, puffs on cigarette.
1. Thank God for that! Look--no stretch marks!
2. No, but there's some real money in my estate that you might inherit one day if you're nice to me.
3. I'm so sorry that you didn't inherit my poor vision, large buck teeth, greasy hair, whale-like hips, and poor hearing.
I'm mulling over the appropriate response.
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11 comments:
Man, you are mean mom personified. Personally, I get "no one around here loves me!" a couple of times per week. I think the last time was because we wouldn't buy Jack his own laptop. He NEEDS a laptop because he is going to be designing his own computer games in a few years.
But I told him he was going to have to share the family computer -- and only when his dad and I weren't busy surfing for porn.
You may have just found your calling in life. This stuff is good! I will have to add you to my growing list of "check-daily" blogs.
I've said it before and I will say it again. I love reading your writing.
As one who was on the email list that got China adoption updates with Meredith let me say: What the world needs is more mean moms, keep it up.
All mother's of teenagers and soon to be teenagers are MEAN. It's a job requirment. Your child will hate you for about 4 years (mine moved out and wouldn't speak to me for 18 months). They will get over it and so will you, but teenage girls are not fun. Give me the terrible twos anyday.
Yeah, well, you know, just as long as you don't write anything about turkey basters. You don't want to OFFEND anyone. Heh.
My impossible 8-year-old son just grunts and turns into Anakin Skywalker...I keep expecting him to turn into Darth Vader.
You seemed to have handled it well...she's lucky to have you as Mom.
(Hi, I just found you thru Chez Miscarriage...wanted to say hi!)
I'm definitely voting for 3. Cracked me up.
v funny!!
karen/naked ovary
I just found your blog.
I think I am developing a MAJOR blog crush on you.
Thanks for the laugh!
Journeywoman
Oh Sugar. (Y'all don't say real swear words in The Carolinas do you?) Now I'm going to spend the rest of the day avoiding work and reading your blog.
Choices, choices .... Oh, my .... Go for #3.
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