....as the Queen Of England Might Say. Or a Boarding School Headmistress.

Yeah, so it's one of those weeks where Jupiter ain't even CLOSE to aligning with mars, peace ain't ruling the planets, and I'm eating WAY too many ice cream bars. So I sincerely hope that you'll allow me a mulligan, and maybe I can come up with something lamer than the season premiere of Two And A Half Men. My mind is wandering..care to join me? It's a convoluted path.

Do you think Two And A Half Men has a chance in HAIL of making it past thirteen episodes? All due respect to the talented cast and I think Ashton Kutcher has mad talent, but it's like I Love Lucy without Lucy. "The Episode where Ricky Ricardo marries Lucy's sister after Lucy drowned in a vat of grapes." Nah, doesn't do anything for me.

Incidentally in honor of the 100th birthday of Loooocy, let's enjoy the theme song to the show sung by Desi Arnaz.

And did anyone think that the sign in Hollywood was kind of..well....considering it supposed to be father and son up there.....KINKY?



And Blogher came and went and I staycationed, all I ever wanted.....

I do not think that my first thought, upon seeing a black and white unicorn fighting, would have anything to do with racism. Of course I'm like Allie Brosh's little self when I see a CAKE CAKE CAKE CAKE CAKE CAKE.



Picture by Allie Brosh, prettier, younger, sweeter, and 150% more talented but I still love her so at least I haven't become a horrible, jealous psycho.

But seriously, people? A CAKE? Now if it said HAPPY 150 YEARS OF DESTROYING INNOCENT LIVES AND HUMILIATING PEOPLE BECUZ THE CONFDERACY DUN GOT THEIR BUTTS WHIPPED and was prepared for the Ku Klux Klan, okay yeah.

If you have no idea what I am talking about, MamaPop had a cake at their annual Sparklecorn party this year with two unicorns, one white and one black, fighting. Go to www.twitter.com and google "racist cake" if you want to know more. Someone thought it had bad racial juju.

I don't have much to say about that except that my family has been discriminated against and it certainly didn't have to do with a cake. Roger(cancer) cannot give blood and I (fibromyalgia) have lost jobs because of our illnesses (Our premiums! We cannot afford to hire you.) We've lost promotions, jobs, party invitations, fiances (that's just me, Roger wants me to say that he has never had a fiance. Duly noted.) I can name 50 people off the top of my head (if it's buried in my Friends list on Facebook) who have lost jobs or lost career jobs due to ageism. I know a fat woman who was up for a job with a thin, sexy woman and the TS one was hired. Our girls often experience backwards racism. "You Asians! So good at math). I didn't want to see Madeleine take up the violin, I confess, because CLICHE much? Silly but I thought about it.

IT'S A CAKE. With mythical beasts on it. Who said they were fighting anyway? Maybe they were playfully head butting.

Okay, Friday night Roger purchased gas and went into a station to buy a snack at one of those Walmart and was either pickpocketed or left his wallet and so we have been bombarded with problems trying to get it reported, action taken, etc. He had his social security card in there. My blood pressure skyrocketed after I gently asked him that and he hesitantly replied, yeah, he thought so.

Our coffee machine broke down. I KNOW! I KNOW! THINK OF THE PEOPLE IN BANGLADESH WHO WOULD LOVE A CUP OF COFFEE.

Rebecca Black is being teased because of her song Friday, if you can believe it. THINK OF THE WOMEN IN BANGLADESH WHO NEVER WILL MAKE IT IN HOLLYWOOD....

We're all depressed the way you are after a good vacation, but I am spending it in an extremely NOT constructive way by spending hours surfing million dollar beach homes and eating three sugarless ice cream Krunch bars to console myself.

We're all restless and bored. Meredith was overheard giggling madly and saying, "I can't WAIT for school to start."

Madeleine's laptop is broken and I cannot even say hello to my Ipad with both it and Madeleine sneering at me. Please get fixed soon laptop.

And it's been so hot that nobody even wants to swim and then at dusk the summer thunderstorms arrive.

We have begun to register-fill out triplicate copy of each form sign here sign there what was your mother's great aunt's maiden name and bring a copy of your house tax bill or a rental contract and three light bills--the girls in school. Tomorrow I hear that a clothing trip to Kohl's is being planned, where Meredith will beg for more Tommy Hawk gear and Madeleine will want something with a skull on it. My eyes linger briefly on the adorable toddler dresses (DANGER: STUPID ANALOGY COMING RIGHT UP) which remind me of seeing past boyfriends. You know you wouldn't want to go back there, but sweet memories linger.

The 50 (no. not kidding Probably more) mosquito bites I received while traipsing frantically around Magnolia Cemetery in Charleston trying to visit my ancestors itch so bad that 10 Benadryl won't touch it at times.

I wish I could joyfully dance in the kitchen while preparing succulent homemade meals for my family but my tile floors make my legs hurt aggravate my fibromyalgia.

Two of my sweet inlaws are down with some ailments and in a lot of pain.

That's all that's new with me. What's up with you? At least nobody can accuse me of not trying desperately to improve your mood, for perhaps you are now shaking your head and saying, and I thought my week sucked.

And now, like Jesus, I will leave you with a parable that sums up the Terrible Horrible No Good Thing I experienced this week. I know you've heard it. A man was being stoned with heavy rocks by his enemies and was bearing up bravely. Finally a tiny pebble struck him and he cried out loud. A friend approached him afterwards and whispered, "Why, my friend did you not cry when heavy stones were thrown at you but cried when a pebble hit you? He replied, "The pebble was thrown by a friend people I thought respected me enough not to jump to the wrong conclusion."

.....ate, drank, and was merry

What I Did On My Summer Vacation
By Lorrie Callison

On my summer vacation, I did not post to my blog. I am only posting a place holder right now as I am still unpacking and attempting to locate such things as the iphone plug in, the dorky Clark Griswold-ish stick figures I bought for the van, & deal constructively with my horror that school is starting on AUGUST 18, 2011.

INSERT HERE:

OBLIGATORY RANT ABOUT HOW IN THE GOOD OLD DAYS WE ALL STARTED SCHOOL THE DAY AFTER LABOR DAY AND T'AINT FITTIN' TO START SCHOOL IN THE MIDDLE OF SUMMER WHEN THE CLASSROOMS ARE BROILING HOT ALTHOUGH DOWN HEAH WE HAVE AIR CONDITIONING THANK YOU JESUS...

BUT SUMMA THEM DARNYANKEES HAVE TO SUFFER THROUGH WEEKS OF HEAT WITHOUT AIR CONDITIONING AND ONE TEACHER WAS TOLD BY HER PRINCIPAL TO "BUY A FAN" (IMPLYING VERY STRONGLY THAT SHE WAS NOT #winning AND DID NOT HAVE #tigerblood and by the way #you-have-to-pay-for-it BUT THAT'S OKAY BECAUSE TEACHERS ARE OVERPAID LEECHES ON BURDENED TAXPAYERS AND DESERVE A CUT TO THEIR ENORMOUS SALARIES #liar-liar-pants-on-fire).

We went to Folly Beach and stayed in the same condo as last year. I was thinking about going elsewhere, but once again Madeleine unwittingly tipped the scales. She got to go to China with us to pick up Meredith against ALL advice because my mom was babysitting her a month before our trip and M went into the dirty clothes hamper and smelled Roger's t-shirt saying I miss mommy and daddy so much.

This time she wrote an assigned school essay on "The Most Wonderful Thing That Ever Happened To You" or something like that and did and wrote a beautiful poem that made me get on www.vrbo.com (Vacation Rentals By Owner-awesome--if you want to rent property to others or rent a vacation for yourself that cannot be beaten for prices and no I am not being compensated in any way for recommending them)

More later. Soon I hope to read Dorethea Benton Frank's new book called simply Folly Beach. Dorethea and I are good friends, which means that I am a pathological liar and I've commented a few times on her facebook page. Snort.

Bye y'all. Enjoy those last few precious weeks of blisteringly hot heat before the grind of school, homework, ballet, violin, soccer, football, school clubs, etc. begins.