What To Expect When You're Expecting Your 12 Year Old To Take The SAT

Madeleine was invited to take the SAT as part of the Duke Talent Search program which as far as I can tell involves this thing where kids who score highly get invited to exorbitantly expensive Super Brainiac Camp at Duke the following summer.  I signed her right up.  The test was today.

The alarm goes off at 7:00 on a Saturday.  Slap, mutter oath, hit snooze.

7:05: Arise from bed already dressed in grungy Aeropostle sweater some kid left over here and I appropriated because it's pink and both children treat pink as a color they won't wear.  Kind of like Superman=Kryptonite.

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7:10  Turn on lights, greet snarling child buried in skull & crossbone comforter.

7:15  Child bounds from bed, awash in anticipation and gratitude.  "Thanks Mom, for all the help in arranging the test and getting me out of bed on a Saturday morning that I would have normally wasted by snoozing until noon.  I cannot wait to go out in the freezing cold to take a 5 hour test with 150 high school juniors!"

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7:16  Realize that you are, in fact, hallucinating.  Run from room quickly before child comes to enough to start inflicting bodily damage.

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7:20  Desperately scrounge around 4th grade daughter's backpack for 3 pencils with erasers.  Pack calculator, paperwork, crackers, more crackers, cupcake, fruit punch.  Dump 4th grader's pencil case and stick cell phone in case. It looks like it's turned off, but who knows?   "All cell phones are prohibited, even during breaks.  If one goes off in the test, your test will be collected and you will be evicted immediately." 

7:25:  Fire up car.

7:30:  Load two surly children in car.  Race to school.   29 degrees outside.  Several high school students are leisurely strolling around in short sleeved shirts.

7:45:  150 kids in line waiting to enter school.

7:49:    Child asks for mom to accompany her to the entrance.  Feel momentary rush of joy.   Get to door.  Try to hug her.  She fights me off.   I try again.  No luck.  I wrestle her into a headlock and kiss her hair.  Rewarded with snarl.

8:00:   "All 7th graders can come in the school!" Joy!  "No ma'am, children only."   I stand in the cold, peering through the door, hoping that her admittance papers are in order.  I've directed that her scores go to the Duke Talent Search program, the University of South Carolina, Harvard, and Yale. 

8:05:  Another father realizes that his daughter's snack was left in the car.  He rushes to retrieve it and hands it to daughter as she goes through door.  Is rewarded with a snarl.  I turn to him and loudly say, "Thanks, Dad!  You're the greatest!" He smiles. His daughter snarls at me and enters the school.   

Begin to realize why vampire movies appeal to twelve and thirteen year olds.

8:10:  Surly youngest child begs to leave.  I tear myself away from door and we go home.   A trip to McDonald's makes us both feel better.

The test was supposed to be over at "12:30-1:00" and child was to call as soon as test over.

1:00:  No call.

1:15:  No call.

1:30:  No call.   Frantically call sheriff's office and ask to be patched through to sheriff on duty that morning at the high school, assuming he is still there and monitoring the test. Dispatcher says she has no idea who is at the school, but the guy at the other school left at 9:30, if that's any help.  Not really. Dispatcher extremely unhelpful and unsympathetic.  Feel proud that my tax dollars go to pay her salary.

1:35:  Begin feeling chest pains.  I can't call, what if she's still taking the test?   Should I leave the house?  What if she caught a ride with someone else, even though she knows to call before doing that?  Why did I want to have kids?  What is the meaning of life?  What will I tell her father when he sees the Amber Alert on the way home from work?  (He works Saturdays).

1:45:  Start looking up numbers of kids and parents.   Beg 4th grader for info on numbers.

1:46: Phone rings.   "AH MAH GAWD YOU'RE ALIVE."  "What? We just got out of the test, can you come get me?"  "I'll be there in five minutes."  School is 10-15 minute drive away.

1:47:  Receive text.   "Pick me up at side of school."  Text back "OK"

1:49:  Receive text.  "Where R U?"  Speeding, can't text back.

1:50:  Phone call.  "Where are you?"  "I can see the school.  Hang on, you'll see me in a second."    Miss turn.  Do illegal U turn.  Hope...actually hope...that sheriff sees me.  No such luck.

1:51:  Child hops in car.   All is well with the world.

2:15:  Bake gingerbread cookies.  Eat 17.  Feel better.  Child is rocking out with friends.  I WILL NOT BREAK DOWN blasting from Rock Band Wii (Just inquired as to name of band-Child screams back "Nothing!  You just go listen to your pop music!")

4:12:   Wonder, again, why I wasn't satisfied with dogs.   Imagine child accepting summa cum laude diploma from Harvard.   Decide to keep kid after all.

4:20:  Realize that one child is in 4th grade and one is in 7th grade.  Years of indentured servitude lie ahead.   Fees, field trips, T-shirts, violin rentals, books, tuition, room, board, parking, food, computers, calculators, test prep classes, class rings, yearbooks.  

4:22:   Go to bed and hide under covers.