A Friend Writes

Parents of transracial adoptees manage to draw strident criticism and fawning adoration, and I don't know which is more annoying.

A friend of mine wrote an eloquent post to a list that discusses transracial adoption. I thought it was so powerful that I asked her for permission to reprint it. Here it is.

There was a post a couple of weeks that to me said that no matter what I did as a parent, I was going to fail. My boys would never know a moment of happiness as adults. They would hate me. They would be constantly miserable because of racism in their world. They would grow up thinking it was better to have died in infancy than to have had to deal with the pain and anguish of their adult lives. And that I had sealed this terrible fate for them the moment my racist colonialist white self got on the plane for China.

Sigh...for me, as a parent, the struggle is about optimism. All parents, not just those raising transracially adopted kids, are constantly bombarded with so many messages about what it takes to successfully parent. Kids need to have 7.5 servings of veggies a day and get 1.5 hours of exercise or they'll grow up obese. And please also spend an hour a day reading with each one or they'll grow up illiterate. Spend 'x' amount of quality time with each one each day on top of the reading and exercise and veggie time so that they'll know how to have fulfilling relationships with other adults. Make sure the carseat is installed just right. Less than an hour of TV a day. Don't let them play competitive sports because it will damage their self-esteem. Encourage them to play competitive sports because it builds self esteem. Give them an allowance and tie it to chores so they'll learn responsibility. Give them an allowance but don't tie it to chores because studies show that this is ineffective. Please work in at least two playdates with peers a week so they'll have strong friendships. Raise them in church. Don't raise them in church. Give them structure. Don't give them structure as it stifles creativity. Homeschool. Public school. Private school. Work outside the home. Don't work outside the home. Daycare is good. Daycare is okay if necessary. Sending them to daycare will ruin their lives. Etc. Amidst all this information, you're supposed to sort out what is best for your child and your family.

And then there's the messages we get as adoptive parents. You're so wonderful for rescuing these little colored heathens. You should have adopted one of the ten zillion babies waiting for homes in US foster care. All adoptees wind up in prison anyway so nothing you do matters. It would have been better to leave them to die in their home country rather than dragging them here to the US to experience all the problems we have here. Etc.

And amidst this mixed bag of messages, I'm supposed to somehow manage to be optimistic enough about life to crawl out from under the covers each morning, give my kids a big hug, pack them a nourishing lunch, and send them off to deal with their own little corner of the world in public school.

If you listen too much to what everyone tells you, it's too hard. You have to keep a bubble around yourself and your kids and try to select what information you're going to allow to pierce the bubble. You surely can't let it all in or you'll just go nuts trying to sort it all out. Just my thoughts as a parent.