The Pain Grows Stronger, Watch It Grin

Christmas, 2003 - Holding Nicky and Cassie














The sword of time will pierce our skins
It doesn't hurt when it begins
But as it works its way on in
The pain grows stronger...watch it grin...
-"Suicide is Painless" (M.A.S.H theme song)

"I still miss Cassie."
-Meredith, 24 hours later

Yeah. Me too.

I'd like to tearfully thank all you wonderful people out there, some of whom are grieving husbands and mothers and babies, who took the time to write me with your loving condolences.

Thank you, Thank you, Thank you.

I've been having a lot of conversations with myself, the one person that I truly do find endlessly fascinating. Here they are. I'm sure you, too, will be entranced.

I'm so sad.
You silly superficial shallow twit! The world is in flames and you're grieving over a poodle?
Not just a poodle. My boy Nicky (the brown one in the picture) My aunt (February) and now Cassie. Three deaths of loved ones in a year. It's a lot. Cut yourself a break.
(slaps self metaphorically) Pain is pain.

Hey, I wonder if the kids will truly grieve this? They seem to be doing ok.. I don't remember being really sad when Grampa died at age 5. The worst part was that my Daddy cried. That frightened me.

Well, yes, but you know you hardly ever saw him. The kids have lost their brother and sister, and an aunt they saw regularly. Maybe you should get drunk.

Well...if you insist...(Pours Bailey's Irish Creme) This will take the edge off. You know that getting drunk doesn't help.

How do you know that? You've only been drunk about 10 times in your life.

Well, that's true.

Let's listen to that sad song again. (Suicide is Painless) I wish I could just slip away. Well, except for the fact that I want to see how things turn out. Oh well, scratch that. Although more pain is coming. It's just a matter of time.

That line about "watch it grin"...it's so true. I just feel some malevolent being in the universe grinning madly right now watching the world....laughing as the waves swept over the earth...

Hey, maybe it's Satan?

Oh please let's not go down that path. Remember when you were 11 and read "The Devil And Daniel Webster" and thought that Satan was going to show up and try to buy your soul? And you couldn't sleep at night?

All right, scratch that. Let's think about Cassie running and playing at the Rainbow Bridge.

Well, that would require you to believe in, you know, a hereafter. (looks at sky)

I do! I do!!!

...or are you praying to a, to quote Pat Conroy, "a genteel and stone deaf Episcopalian God?"

No! I can't NOT believe. I can't bear not to believe. I don't understand, but I do believe. You know, I almost envy atheists. They certainly have a stronger argument than people with faith. How can I explain this cruel world to my children.

Yeah (sighs) Y' remember when you posted something faintly sacriligious on a board talking about 9/11 and somebody wrote back "Jesus was at the World Trade Center" and you wrote back "It would have been better if He was in the cockpit of the planes?"

Well, that was kind of rude.

Let's go out on the back porch and pray for the ones gone before us now.

No, I'm going to be selfish and just pray that I WILL SEE THEM AGAIN ONE DAY.

Ok.

A brave man once requested me
to answer questions that are key
is it to be or not to be
and I replied 'oh why ask me?'
-"Suicide Is Painless"