A Billion Little Pieces

April 1982-Age 23. The night I was sworn into the South Carolina Bar.

No, I don't know why I was doing that thing with my hands.

I am extremely flexible.

However, I am off the market. For now.

Sorry.

Keep this website bookmarked.

Dear Oprah,

You may wonder why I'm not writing a letter to "Dear Madeleine" or "Dear Meredith" like some other fabulous bloggers out there. 

Well, Oprah, I must be absolutely frank with you. My kids do not have an acclaimed television show. Nor do they have their own magazine, or, alas, the slightest chance of acquiring one in the near future. Nor do they have one billion point one dollars. They have about $500 in savings bonds and that's it. So, Oprah, that's why you are getting this letter.

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Oprah, I just want to take this opportunity to say that first of all, you look absolutely fabulous, and second of all, I was all over you after your dramatic and compelling smackdown of James Frey, Professional Liar. I know that you only did it because of the pressure from your many angry fans, but I'm still deeply and profoundly touched by your inspiring show.

Oprah, I want to write my own memoir and come on your show. It's obvious that Bad Girl/Bad Boy memoirs are hotter than Star Jones's vibrator was after six months of celibacy before her marriage to the most hetrosexual man alive. (I digress, Oprah. Please forgive me. This is a work in progress).

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Anyway, I realize the story I'm about to tell you is rather brief. Don't worry, Oprah. I can work on that. I will fill the rest of the 758 pages with heartwarming pictures and stories about my kids. Heck, it worked for Dooce, right?

Ok, Oprah, here it is.

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A BILLION LITTLE PIECES

First of all, I know that now you're extremely paranoid about exaggeration. Therefore, I have taken the liberty of posting irrefutable photographic evidence of my alcohol abuse.

That's right, Oprah, that's me after about 45 beers the night I was sworn into the South Carolina Bar. I had no idea that I was being photographed holding my arm in such a terribly strange way. That's what happens when you partake of evil spirits, I guess.

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Ok, Oprah! I'm sorry. I actually probably had like 2 beers that night.

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I was terrified of alcohol as a young college student. My mom had told me terrible stories of boys doing filthy things to girls under the influence, but eventually I figured out that I actually enjoyed those filthy things, even though they were, and are, CRIMES* in the State of South Carolina.

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By law school I was ready to party, and did. However, I only got really drunk once.

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One night my boyfriend and I met some friends for drinks. I was 22. I forgot to eat dinner, instead eating an entire bag of Nacho Cheese Doritos. Then I drank three potent margaritas. We had a good time. I fell asleep at my boyfriend's apartment.

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About 4 AM in the morning I was suddenly violently ill, the margaritas and Doritos mixing to form an unholy Bubbling Broth of Satanic Potion that called for immediate expulsion.

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I lurched out of bed, clad in a bathrobe from 1975 and blind without the aid of my glasses. I frantically stumbled for the door that would lead me down the stairs to the bathroom shared by two other apartments. It was an old converted house with one bathroom between apartments.

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Unfortunately, I lost my balance attempting to run down the stairs and slipped. Bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce...I slid headfirst down the stairs and landed on the foyer, where I proceeded to disgorge the contents of my stomach.

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And I never got really drunk again. 

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And I had appropriate anesthesia during dental surgery. 

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Actually, I've never had dental surgery.* But you can bet that if I did, I would enthusiastically have anesthesia.

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Do you think I can get a novel out of this?

Call me!

Sincerely, your most devoted fan,

Lorrie

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*I was lying about lying here.  I had all my wisdom teeth out when I was 17.    Please don't judge.  I wrote this post when I was younger and needed the money.


*SC CODE OF LAWS SECTION 16-15-60. Adultery or fornication. Any man or woman who shall be guilty of the crime of adultery or fornication shall be liable to indictment and, on conviction, shall be severally punished by a fine of not less than one hundred dollars nor more than five hundred dollars or imprisonment for not less than six months nor more than one year or by both fine and imprisonment, at the discretion of the court. 

Oh how cute!  I was experimenting with Technorati for the first time....trying this new tag thing here. Yep, I am a publicity hound.
James Frey
Oprah
a million little pieces