"Dicha see Debbie?" snickered Kelly.
"Huh?" I replied.
"She tried some of that new fake tan stuff," giggled Kelly. "And she's got BIG ORANGE BLOTCHES on the back of her knees."
We collapsed into giggles, catty as only 13 year olds can be.
Those BIG ORANGE BLOTCHES have kept me out of the fake tan market for thirty years now, but I like to walk on the wild side once in awhile. So the other night I bought some Build-A-Tan, said a quick prayer (facing the sun for inspiration), and slathered some of the gook on my legs.
The years dropped away and I was suddenly in my back yard again, age 13, doggedly determined to have a tan line. Just something to show my friends on the first day back to school as we raised our shorts a little to show each other our leg tan line.
We didn't know that one day we would start examining every mole for, um, "changes."
Yep, there I was, the sun glinting off of my horse size braces encasing squirrel-like buck teeth, stringy hair pulled back into twin ponytails. A veritable Lolita, oozing with young sultriness and sensuality.
I was reading that scene in The Godfather where Sonny Corleone had consensual carnal knowledge with one of his sister's bridesmaids. "He crushed her to him and she shuddered with delight as sensations she had never known before tore through her body....."
Or Valley Of The Dolls, when Anne gets deflowered by Lyon. "And now it was happening. Oh God, this was the moment! She wanted to please him, but the pain caught her unaware and she cried out. He pulled away immediately and released her. She could see the surprise in his eyes. "Go on Lyon," she begged. "It will be all right."
And then I'd look down and see that my meaty cadaver-white legs had turned the faintest, barest shade of pink, sort of like an anemic boiled ham.
Well, I didn't really expect miracles. I expected the Build-A-Tan to leave nothing but BIG ORANGE BLOTCHES but, mirabile dictu, for the first time in my life, I HAVE TANNED LEGS.
Cellulite riddled chunky tanned legs, but let's not get, um, technical.
Yikes!!! The First Day Of School will be coming up soon and thanks to Build-A-Tan and Miss Clairol, I'm going to be tanned and blonde.
The boys will go crazy!!! Maybe I'll get kissed this year. You never know!! I better go buy another diary.....
Posts
