Get That Can Opener Away From My Cervix

If I had only known
November, 1997
If I had only known.

If I had been better prepared, I wouldn't have freaked out when I started to blow up, both physically and emotionally, from the Pergonal.

I remember screaming at my mom on the phone. "I don't think you should be taking those drugs," she sighed. "All I WANT IS A BEAUTIFUL BABY LIKE YOU GOT!" I screamed. "IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK? I GUESS SO! ALL YOU HAD TO DO WAS PUT ON YOUR SIZE FOUR CHANEL SUIT AND PICK ME UP FROM THE HOSPITAL! I GUESS IT'S JUST TOO BAD THAT THIS ISN'T 1959 ANY MORE!"

Finally it was time for the insemination. A good thing, as divorce and being written out of the family bible was looming in my future.

By the way, I didn't get to choose my donor. I submitted a picture of my husband, and somebody in North Carolina picked out the donor. I was quite disappointed--I was really looking forward to picking out my donor from a catalog like they did on Friends.



So it all came down to this. I lay on the table with my legs in that famous position. No Barry White music, no candlelight, no sexy nightgowns, no foreplay at all. 

The nurse came in with a warm, foamy, bubbling vat of semen. Or was it eggnog? We'll never know. Perhaps Dr. Dickhead didn't believe my claim to be legally hetrosexually married, Blessed By All The Deities In The Universe, recognized on every continent in the world...

A large metal device that resembled a Giant Economy Size can opener was placed inside my vagina. "We're cranking open the cervix!" the nurse explained cheerfully. screech, screech...."Ow!" I yelled. All of a sudden I felt like someone had rammed a baseball bat Down There.

Poof! In went the sperm.

And I left, absolutely, 100% convinced that I was pregnant. 

Literally the thought of failure never entered my mind......

Little did I know the only thing growing was an ovarian cyst, which was fixing to explode...