Fun With Fones

Gordon Gekko-Wall Street (1985) First cell phone I ever saw

What did we all DO before cell phones? We suffered, that's what. Yes, I tell you kids, we SUFFERED. SILENTLY. See, it was silently because we weren't talking into cell phones.....get it? Now go and ROFLOL, kthxlvyabye. lvyaspecial, Ms. Jane!

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Now I've never had any problems with my Iphone, none at all. Except if you count the fact that I feel like a bought a jet plane when a tricycle could have done just as well, given my limited intellectual abilities. I still haven't managed to make it play tunes through my aux hookup in the car. (Madeleine tried to show me but I haven't had any luck yet).

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I still want to use the GPS and have the Iphone gently guide me to a fabulous restraurant, but then again during the summer slump in our pay we can't afford them anyway. So, one day, dear Iphone, I promise to let you show me the way to someplace where you eat without using paper napkins, 'kay? OKAY WE HAVE A DEAL.

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However, a friend of mine named Carrie has had some problems with a number that previously belonged to a, um, ahem, well, um, sort of, shall I say, ahem, ACTIVE PERSON. His name will be changed to Cody to protect the innocent.

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She wrote about it recently on a list I'm on and I nearly sprayed the screen and I thought, "You know what? I bet you that I could talk her into doing my job for me." (It's flashes of genius that make me such a superb, albeit lazy blogger). And I bet my readers wouldn't mind one lil' ol' bit. So I asked, and here you go.

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Thank you Carrie! Feel free to write some more hilarious posts that I can "borrow"!!

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Y'all have to be patient with me 'cause I have a virulent bronchial infection that caused the doctor to mutter (under his breath but I still have most of my own teeh and a modicum of hearing ability left) "omigawd." The rattle coming from my lungs and my tubucular-like hacking made him lunge (AAAHAHAHA!!!) for his prescription pad and confine me to the house to 10 days. Lucky I still have my sense of humor, no?

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No?

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Hmmph. Of course I enjoy hanging around the hacienda, but now that I've been told that I HAVE to, I long to escape. That's called human nature, I guess.

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I'm going to turn the microphone over to Ms. Carrie right now. Many of you know her in the China adoption community. I only know her on the net, but I can't wait to meet her one day, and I will. She makes me look sweet and passive (adjectives that haven't been applied to me since the first time I howled for a bottle).

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Carrie begins:

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I bought a new phone 2 yrs ago and got a new number (I really don't use my phone much) and TO THIS DAY I am still getting text and calls for the guy that had the number before me.

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After I bought the phone I then complained vehemently to Lousy Phone Company (LPC) because I pay by the minute and my minutes were being used up. They said they could give me a new number but by then I had already given it to the school, daycare, etc. and all the managers that work with me had it programmed in their phones so I didn't want to go through switching it AGAIN when I had just done so.
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It seems that dear Mr. Cody was *quite* the playa' and all the hoochies had his number. And all the bill collectors. You would not believe the phone calls I have received and the texts I get. And I just got a text 2 days ago that is for him. (remember, I have had this number now for 2 years). (My note: Cody, Cody, Cody! Just think of the opportunities for social intercourse with your cohorts that you are missing by not correcting your number)

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Once I got a call telling me his contacts were in. I explained the situation to the girl who called and she says "Oh that's strange, he just ordered these last week." I swear to God, this was a year after I had this number - he was still giving out his old number to the contact lenses place?? What the.....??

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I told her to give him the message that all his bill collectors and various hoochies were calling me and the girl cracked up laughing and said if she was working when he came for the pick-up, she would deliver the message. I also told her to GET THE $$ FIRST!!

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You see how unselfish Ms. Carrie is? In the midst of her personal telephone crisis, she still has time to think of others. I call that saintly behavior. Yep. SAINTLY.

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I have learned several valuable lessons.

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1. They obviously don't let numbers go dormant for very long in the XXX area code.

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2. Bill collectors won't believe you when you say you are not Cody and still try to collect Cody's debts from you even when you have an obviously female voice.

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3. Bill collectors will hang up really fast if you call them a really filthy name. (My note: Another friend would immediately let his voice drop to a Barry Gordonish whisper and ask them if they were wearing frilly little panties. Both men and women)

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4. Hoochies generally will not phone before 11 am. (My note: Well, their jobs do require a great deal of nighttime activity, Carrie. Have a heart, girlfriend!)

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5. Hoochies don't know how to reprogram their phones. (My note: This should be a topic covered in Hoochie Boot Camp, fer sure)

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6. Hoochies do not believe you when you state you've never met Cody and no, you don't have his new number and accuse you of stealing his phone or, gag me, 'tryin to steal my man'. (My note: Carrie is Married With Children, and these days her idea of an exciting evening is knitting a really great sweater. I feel certain that Carrie is not trolling for booty calls. May I suggest that you program Loretta Lynn's immortal song "You Ain't Woman Enough To Take My Man" into your answering message, Carrie?)

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7. Hoochies have hearing difficulties and leave messages for Cody - even when the voicemail says "Hi this is Carrie, not Cody. He doesn't have this number anymore."

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8. Drunk dialing is a great hoochie pasttime. (My note: At least you can't get a STD from it!)

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9. Hoochies think - after calling YOU and waking you in the middle of the night and you answer the phone with WHAT!!?! - that they have the right to get all indignant. (My note: Once again, a topic that should be covered during the " Pretty Woman manners and ladylike behavior" week at Hoochie Boot Camp)

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1o. Hoochies are not amused when you say "Oh yes, Cody said you were okay enough for a booty call" and using many colorful swear words tell you what they plan to do to you and Mr. Cody the next time you cross paths. (My note: let us hope this phone does not have a GPS on it)

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11. If you want to irritate a hoochie, call her back at 8 am. She'll be sleeping. (My note: See No. 4)

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12. If you really want to irritate a hoochie, program her phone number into the fax machine at work and have it try to send her a fax at 7:30 am. Be sure to select "continue redial until successful."

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13. Hoochies believe that cursing at a fax machine will make it stop. It doesn't. (My note: How interesting! Sometimes it works with my computer, I knoweth not why)

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14. Engineers tilt their little heads just like my dog does and look confused at the sound of Hoochie cursing emanating from the fax machine. (My note: they don't curse a lot at MIT, I guess, unless they get a B+ grade)

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15. Project managers and marketing people laugh and shoot coffee from their noses. (My note: obviously, they are men and women of the world)

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Poor Carrie! Will she ever be able to stop this ceaseless intrusion into her life and cell phone minutes? Will Cody ever find Twue Love and actually notify his Hoochie Harem? Did Cody get his contacts? Inquiring minds want to know.

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Stay tuned.

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By the way, my next blog post is entitled and once again, to quote Dave Barry, I am not making this up : "I once spoke with the alleged sperm donor in the Michael Jackson case, oh and one of my efriends have her zits squeezed by the one & only Debbie Rowe. Hey, tabloids! I'll spill all for the right cash settlement!"