I HAVE CURED THE COMMON COLD

Disclaimer: I am no more qualified to give medical advice than the termites in your building, or the moth fluttering under your porch light, unless you feel that an "A" in 7th grade Life Sciences at Irmo Middle School is a stellar credential. The Nobel people turned me down with an extremely rude letter, I must say. Sniff. I mean, really. So what if Linus Pauling got there first? "Delusional wackjob" was simply overstepping the bounds of common courtesy, I must say. And was it really necessary to bring up the restraining order? Such barbarians they are.

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I really am just so dreadfully tired of this tedious cold that won't go away. Very mild nausea, stomach cramps, intermittent fevers, dreadful fatigue, sinus crud, ghastly tubercular-like hacking--every day is a brand new cornucopia of surprises from Satan.

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I have bought nothing for Christmas. This is unprecedented in the history of Mankind. I understand that Wii Rock Band 2 will be releasing Dec. 23, and I understand that our lazy selves will probably be wrapping up a picture of it for Christmas Day. I found my dream gift on a local email list, and Roger will be picking it up tomorrow (A heated chair massager).

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Sunday I woke up feeling sick. I was a desperate woman. Desperate, do you hear me? DO YOU HEAR ME? I NEED TO KNOW IF YOU CAN HEAR ME.

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I started overdosing on Vitamin C. I took 6,000 mg of it. I'd make a piece of cinnamon toast and eat two tablets. Did that three times.

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Monday morning I woke up feeling...um...how do I say this.....HEALED.

Oh, not totally. I still have a little nagging cough. But I feel 1000% better.

Holy guacamole! I don't even want to know how bad this is for me. All I know is that I feel a lot better. And I'm extremely happy to tell you this!!!!