Q: What is heaven?
A: The soft purring of a $5700 air conditioner. I no longer feel the need to spray my sweating, irritable family with machine gun fire.
Now I turn to a question that has been perplexing me for a few days. A friend of mine, mom to a 5 and 9 year old, died in May and her husband is already engaged. He keeps talking about how his girls are anxious for a new mother.
I just don't know what to think about this. I know that one of my ancestors reportedly lost his wife and married her sister 6 weeks after the funeral.
I would want Roger to remarry after I die, and I even have a secret list on my computer of potential candidates for the position. (I don't trust him to pick out a new wife, although he certainly hit the jackpot the first try around, now didn't he?)
But in 9 weeks?
Lord knows I wasn't any model of parental devotion. I used to fantasize about my parents dying (I'd be sad, of course) but going to live with my aunt and uncle who were rich, generous, and allowed their children unlimited freedom. My aunt is also a fabulous cook.
And Lord knows our kids are so attached to the named guardians in our will that I worry about them "accidentally" doing away with us. Madeleine, just remember this--your mother, who has never signed up for anything on Saturday mornings in her entire life, just signed you up for ballet class so you can keep up with your old friends. Just remember that when you're enjoying the fabulous homes and lifestyle of your new guardians. Just remember.
Some people vow to never remarry. My mom, a celebrated beauty and wit in her day, always said that she would never even consider remarriage. Her next door neighbor, a widower, has never even dated. "All the women are after my money," he says cynically. My mom complains that he spends thousands and thousands on his children.
I replied that after long and prayerful consideration I could see nothing wrong with elderly parents spending thousands and thousands of dollars on their children. My mom gave me $10.00 and treated us to dinner at Wendy's.
I just wonder about introducing a new woman to my kids before the flowers have wilted at the gravesite. What message is that sending about parents? Can you replace them as easily as we replaced our worn out air conditioner?
Nine weeks?
The mind, it boggles.
Posts
21 comments:
the mind does boggle-- especially since it sounds like his motivation is that the girls want a new mommy.
Um, EEEW.
really.
and what idiot woman would want to jump into that situation? I mean, really, is that all you want for yourself in life? To be the replacement for Mom? No, thanks.
It is really sad, that is the bottom line.
And what in the world does that say about their marriage? If something were to happen to me, I would want my husband to remarry eventually ... but to remarry that quickly seems disrespectful to a woman's memory both as a wife and mother that she could be exchanged so quickly!
I married too quickly out of the chute, and it turned out bad. He should re-marry, but take the time to know it is right.
Massage Chair
For whatever it's worth, I read somewhere that widow(er)s who were happy in their marriages tend to remarry quickly, because they really liked being married and want to regain that.
Nine seems *mighty* quick, though.
That is so fast! I just wonder, sounding totally morbid, did she have a disease and he knew in advance? Maybe she instructed him to get married quickly.
When the novelty/honeymoon period wears off/ends, that household will be in turmoil. Have you met the new lady?
It seems to me that 9 weeks is not enough time to get to know a person well enough to to get engaged, let alone making sure your children like them too.
My good friend remarried after his wife passed away from cancer. His youngest daughter was 2 and older one was 8. He did not remarry until the youngest was 7 and the older one 13. He made sure the girls adored his fiancee as much as he did before they got engaged. She was a widow with no children. To look at them, you would never know she was not their original mom. It is beautiful to see and there is no "cloud of suspicion" hanging over them.
Teresa
"The kids need a mom" is a bothersome reason and the worst reason to get hitched that quickly.
But, since I don't know any of the parties involved, I'll just say it "seems" to be the worst reason.
Maybe I'm a cynic (hahaha! what a concept!)but has it occurred to anyone that he might have been carrying on with this woman before the wife died? Just sayin.
In grade school our beloved school nurse died of cancer...and her husband married the nurse who took care of her very soon after. I always wondered if there were flirtatious glances over the sick bed? Anyway...years later my path crossed this family's again...and his two grown daughters hated thet step-Mom and resented the father...
Nine weeks seems very creepy.
a few comments here:
My Dad died when I was Nine leaving my Mom a single SAHM with 5 kids ages 4,9,15,16,17 ! She waited 4 years to go on the first date and chose to complete her bachelors and masters degrees before dating. We all needed the long break and were completely accepting of her first longterm boyfriend, and her second, whom she is still married to today ( for the past 12 yrs).
I also have a friend who met a client of ours and sparks flew! He called her and said he was interested in dating her, BUT ( big gulp from him ) he was separated from his wife who was in the hospital dying from liver cancer the result of being an out of control alcoholic. Six weeks after she died my friend went on the first date with him. That was two years ago, and they just became engaged this month, after two years of therapy and 6 months of dating before she even met his 3 & 5 yr old kids. They plan to continue couple and family therapy for the next year before the wedding. They realize their situation is unusual and that their marriage can wait till ALL members effected are ready.
Regarding your friend - did his wife do everything around the house and now he finds himself unable to cope with the daily life as a single parent? Plus, what kind of a woman pounces on a widower to date after 9 weeks, much less think she should accept a proposal? Give him the phone number of the local Merry Maids, and a handfull of take out menus and tell him to suck it up like countless single moms ( including mine ) have done before him !
Mommie Doris
I have to agree with Molly Happymeal. I too have heard that those most happy in their marriages tend to remarry quickly. Maybe that explains why I am still single so long after my divorce. However I also know that some people go 'a little crazy' in their grief and I am wondering if that is what is happening with him. He is just so lonely and sad and he may be hoping that remarriage will cure it all. Unfortunately not likely. I hope that you will remain close to him and his children and not criticize his decision. He is going to need his friends in the not distant future. His children will need you also.
Nine weeks?!!! That is way too soon. I feel sorry for the deceased wife's mother. Can you imagine losing your daughter and then having your son-in-law engaged before the body is cold? That's ridiculous. Those girls don't need a new mother, they need to know that their mother was a valued part of their father's life which they aren't learning because apparently, wives are interchangeable to him.
liz
I keep trying to give this guy (who I don't even know, of course) the benefit of the doubt. But any way I look at it, nine weeks is strange. Creepy. Wrong.
I'd also want the Mr. to remarry if one of those planes that I don't believe in ever really does crash. But I hope that he'd have the decency to at least pretend like it took a while to find someone who could come close to my wife and mothering skilz.
my moms mother died when she was a baby/toddler and her brother was 3 or so yrs old. her father had to put them in a 'foundling' home as he could not afford to hire someone to care for them (this was around 1923 or 24). he remarried very quickly and remained married to their stepmother (who they did not know was their stepmother until after she died) until her death. different times but he did what was best for his family. no one knows what is really happening in any one elses house...
Oh, man. It makes me sad to hear stories like this. Nine weeks is way, way too soon. When Bill died, I was still a blubbering mess at 9 weeks. Hell, the worst of the grief � the �oh my God, this is real and its forever�- grief doesn�t even set in for most people until about 4 months out. Really, he hasn�t even begun to grieve yet. And how desperate do you have to be to jump into marriage with a man whose grief is still so raw? And a man who has 2 little girls who are grieving as well! Yah, this is a HUGE mistake and I will be surprised if the marriage lasts. Poor girls.
As for me, in 3 weeks it will be 9 years since Bill died. Nine YEARS, and I�m still not emotionally able to commit to anyone else! My problem � we were a perfect fit. Not a perfect relationship, but we just worked together so perfectly that even the bad days weren�t really that bad. Now, I can�t settle for less! Sigh!
My husband's grandfather remarried three weeks after his grandmother died (when his kids were still young). To this day none of the kids or grandkids will even speak to the new wife.
I know of this family, too, and the wife did die of a lingering illness. The husband was a fabulous caretaker to her and completely devoted to the kids. Apparently, he met this lady in widow/widower support group shortly after she died. And it was obvious from his blog that we all were reading that the poor guy was overwhelmed with the prospect of being both mother and daddy to his kids. That said, nine weeks is awfully fast to be dating, much less engaged. Some people aren't even in full-blown grief at 9 weeks. There's so much to settle in yourself before dating. And to announce it is pretty insensitive to her family and friends. I think people could have accepted such an announcement a year or 18 months later.
I am cynical about this 9 week courtship and suspect the widower might have been involved with his future fiancee before his wife passed away.
My folks would agree with the neighbor, they can't take it with them, they have plenty for the future and enjoy the rest, whether it be on themselves or on others.
Take care, Lin
Its been three years now for me, and in that time I've become familiar with quite a few widowers. Most have remarried in a short period of time, whether they knew someone already or met them after becoming widowered. Its the way men do it, on average. They just can't deal with life alone.
Women will go for a recently widowed man because unmarried men of a certain age are rare, and those who aren't single because of a bad marriage are even rarer.
This wouldn't bother me if it werent for the children involved. You've got to tread carefully when their childhoods are at stake.
YIKES. Indeed: bogglitude. And I am yucked out that he's claiming to be doing it for his children. A long, long time ago, I can see how people might sometimes need to remarry quickly for practical reasons. I don't think that's the situation anymore. 9 weeks is way too soon.
Glad your family is now safe! Mine survived 2/3rds of a summer without a/c a few years ago--but I wouldn't want to risk it again.
We are one of the Leading Panasonic Massage Chairs Sales in Los Angeles In California,Our Products are Panasonic Massage Chairs,Neck Massagers,Foot Bath Massager,Leg Massagers,Full bpdy massagers,Back Shoulder Massagers,EP30007KX Massager etc, Tap Tech Massagers,Ting Ting Massagers,Compression Leg Massagers etc.pleae add my website into your blogger,it is very useful for us
Post a Comment