The Arrogance Of Good Health

See, it's like this. 1977 was a good year. I started college and loved it. I had many interesting adventures and the whole world was at my feet, ready for me to conquer it.

1987 was a great year! I was living in my beloved New York City, and walking city streets holding hands with the Love Of My Life, who dumped me in 1988, but let's not go there right now.

1997 sucked. Our first baby (Nikki-Husky/German Shepherd mix) died on Roger's birthday, then I went through grisly fertility treatment without any success, and my father died suddenly on August 1, 1997. I was sort of dreading 2007, but only in a vague sort of don't-be-ridiculous superstitious way.

2007 has caused me to lose the tiny shred of hope and innocence that I had left after weathering the life blows that we all go through. Nothing big, ya know, a few broken hearts, a few failed career dreams, a few wrenching deaths. But I always had one thing.

Health!

Radiant, wonderful health! Years would pass without a doctor's visit. I think I went 5 years without going to the doctor in my 20s back when I had no health insurance. Oh, there were minor annoyances, but I was always able to keep going.

This year has broken me.

On Jan 8, 2007, three weeks after my hysterectomy, I collapsed on the floor of my office with racking muscle spasms and joint pain due to lack of estrogen, due to lack of ovaries. I have been on HRT (Hormone Replacement Therapy) continuously, but, come close. No. Closer. Let me whisper something in your ear.

it doesn't always work well and 10-20% of women do not respond to the traditional methods.....and I'm one of those lucky few!

So far I've tried: Tri-Est (2 different doses), Vivelle Dot patch (different doses), topical progesterone, topical testosterone, and Premarin.

I have tried the following pain pills: Tramadol, Naproxen. Muscle relaxers: Xanaflex & Klonapin. I opened the bottle of narcotic pain pills (Talwin) that I didn't even need after major surgery removing three organs at times to try to relieve the racking bone and muscle pain, and they don't even work all that well.

I have visited a homeopath, a chiropractor, an acupuncturist, and a Reiki practitioner. I take 20 supplements every day. I can't eat and I have lost 12 pounds. Two weeks ago, I wore a dress to Madeleine's First Communion that I haven't been able to fit into for twenty-two years. (Our family saves clothes--I wear my mom's cashmere coat from 1950 often and I have several sweaters from college that still look good. I don't know what they're made of--something that NASA might be interested in I guess.)

I am on disability leave from my job right now. Two weeks ago, I could barely walk.

Last Saturday, my friend Denee Frazer was spending her last day on earth before succumbing to ovarian cancer. Denee's health crisis may have saved my life, as my ovaries are now in some biodisposable waste dump. I've certainly had moments when I wished I was headed towards heaven, but I have two children to raise and a husband who claims that he'd miss me. So ok, I'm stuck here.

I was doing something different. I dragged my frail, mortal, but fixable (I hope) body to a new doctor, Jandrette Rhoe, who has impressed me with her wonderful sunny personality and bedside manner par excellence. She inserted the Last Resort--hormone pellets. They are supposed to work when nothing else does. I have 1 testosterone and 1 estrogen pellet.

You can find out more about the pellets at www.sottopelletherapy.com and see if there is a doctor located near you at this website: http://www.sottopelletherapy.com/physiciansmap.htm

So far, I'm still having pain, but my energy is slowly, slowly returning. I hope this will be the turning point in my health. I have been able to take long walks for 2 nights in a row now.

So, that's what's up with me. And that is why I haven't been updating regularly.

I have lost the innocent, wonderful arrogance that I once had. Sickness? Happens to other people who don't take care of themselves. Chronic pain? Totally controllable with pain pills. Me as a sick person? Saintly, patient and noble. (Try whiny, teary, cranky, and withdrawn).

I hope that I will arise from this a better person, one who is able to truly appreciate a day without tears, pain and exhaustion. But right now I'd settle for still being my rotten self without tears, pain and exhaustion.