In 1992 I sent a long, friendly letter to "Margaret Elaine Talbot." (this is not her real name)
I enclosed a copy of this picture made with my first child Nicky in the fall of 1991.
I told her that I was very happy with my life and my family but I just wanted to touch base and maybe find out something about my beginnings.
Here is the letter I received back.
Dear Lorrie,
Do you have me in a state of shock-yes. I have hoped and prayed that you would be happy enough with your life and not have the need to seek me out and have me in your life. This is the story--you were a result of a date rape. Did they call it that back then, no. I am sure it is hard for you to understand the stigma that goes with being pregnant and not married back then since such is thought of so differently now. However, back then it was not something that was accepted. Abortions were illegal. I went to an uncle. He took me in and saw me through the ordeal and paid my bills. I never told my family or anyone else. That is the extent that I hid the pregnancy. Unfortunately now tho my brother got the call for information from your search agency and they are very blunt about what they want - no regards for feelings..or privacy. The boy responsible was of course a jerk-and I have long since blotted out the memory of him and the ordeal. He was a student at the time.
My background is a very average, English background, Virginia family. I grew up in the country and was very naive about too many things. My Mother was not one I could confide in, tho I loved her very much. My Father was not a person I could talk to about anything--and I never really learned to like him. I lost my Mother at an early age of 51 but my Father lived to be 89. We were of average size, light brown hair and tho we all may have fought the battle of weight a little no one was grossly overweight. No where can I remember anyone having any diseases that would be hereditary. No cancer or such, in fact, lots of long livers. Most aunts & uncles died from either heart failure or just plain old age. My Mother's problem was the one & only fatal heart attack. My health record has been without problems. I am nearsighted, but average, not extremely bad. My teeth were straight but with many problems due to soft teeth & the lack of good dentistry then. They are now all capped. I am 5 ft 2' and weigh 140.
I know this is not what you want to hear but I have no desire to get to know you at this time. You see I married my husband without telling him of my past. I love him dearly and I fear losing his respect if he finds out for not telling him before as well as the stigma of the past. I would not want to live without him or his respect. We have had 29 years of happiness (note: I guess she got married in 1963) I would like to keep things as they are, PLEASE. Maybe some day I can change. Time will have to take care of that. I lived a miserable 9 months and was in need of forgetting the past. You sound like a very smart & happy person. I know from what you say that you have made your parents proud. They must have given you lots of love and brought you up properly. Do not hurt them by wanting two families. You owe them your love & not me. Meeting me would probably confuse you & I think things are best left as they are. Love your parents & thank them for me for the good job that they have done. Dr. Simms assured me they were good parents and so I have not worried.
PLEASE no more letters. How on earth am I to explain such to my husband who I have no secrets from. It so happens that I got the mail the day your letter came but it missed him by only a couple of minutes. He is retired, does some work close by & comes home for lunch if I don't go to him. I will try to find a friend to confide in to use as a contact if you feel the need. You will have to give me some time as this has been terribly hard to bring back into my memory. If you must write again elude to being a high school friend or something that will not be suspicious.
Be happy-
E
Do you have me in a state of shock-yes. I have hoped and prayed that you would be happy enough with your life and not have the need to seek me out and have me in your life. This is the story--you were a result of a date rape. Did they call it that back then, no. I am sure it is hard for you to understand the stigma that goes with being pregnant and not married back then since such is thought of so differently now. However, back then it was not something that was accepted. Abortions were illegal. I went to an uncle. He took me in and saw me through the ordeal and paid my bills. I never told my family or anyone else. That is the extent that I hid the pregnancy. Unfortunately now tho my brother got the call for information from your search agency and they are very blunt about what they want - no regards for feelings..or privacy. The boy responsible was of course a jerk-and I have long since blotted out the memory of him and the ordeal. He was a student at the time.
My background is a very average, English background, Virginia family. I grew up in the country and was very naive about too many things. My Mother was not one I could confide in, tho I loved her very much. My Father was not a person I could talk to about anything--and I never really learned to like him. I lost my Mother at an early age of 51 but my Father lived to be 89. We were of average size, light brown hair and tho we all may have fought the battle of weight a little no one was grossly overweight. No where can I remember anyone having any diseases that would be hereditary. No cancer or such, in fact, lots of long livers. Most aunts & uncles died from either heart failure or just plain old age. My Mother's problem was the one & only fatal heart attack. My health record has been without problems. I am nearsighted, but average, not extremely bad. My teeth were straight but with many problems due to soft teeth & the lack of good dentistry then. They are now all capped. I am 5 ft 2' and weigh 140.
I know this is not what you want to hear but I have no desire to get to know you at this time. You see I married my husband without telling him of my past. I love him dearly and I fear losing his respect if he finds out for not telling him before as well as the stigma of the past. I would not want to live without him or his respect. We have had 29 years of happiness (note: I guess she got married in 1963) I would like to keep things as they are, PLEASE. Maybe some day I can change. Time will have to take care of that. I lived a miserable 9 months and was in need of forgetting the past. You sound like a very smart & happy person. I know from what you say that you have made your parents proud. They must have given you lots of love and brought you up properly. Do not hurt them by wanting two families. You owe them your love & not me. Meeting me would probably confuse you & I think things are best left as they are. Love your parents & thank them for me for the good job that they have done. Dr. Simms assured me they were good parents and so I have not worried.
PLEASE no more letters. How on earth am I to explain such to my husband who I have no secrets from. It so happens that I got the mail the day your letter came but it missed him by only a couple of minutes. He is retired, does some work close by & comes home for lunch if I don't go to him. I will try to find a friend to confide in to use as a contact if you feel the need. You will have to give me some time as this has been terribly hard to bring back into my memory. If you must write again elude to being a high school friend or something that will not be suspicious.
Be happy-
E
I have never contacted her again.
I hope this puts to rest the comforting fantasy that all birthmothers are eagerly awaiting a reunion. I am not bitter--not much. (shrug) It is what it is. She found her happy ending. I just didn't fit into it. I guess she had her wedding night, and I am pretty sure that I've found a daughter born to her in about 1966 while looking around in some of the "Search Public Record" sites. I just don't think I can, or should, poke this dragon again.
Have a great Thanksgiving. I'm thankful for my family.
Posts
34 comments:
Well, you should certainly be glad that you were raised by a family who taught you how to spell. Clearly you weren't going to get that from her.
I admire your even-keeled attitude about this ... though I imagine it's taken you a while to get there. I think if I were in your shoes I'd be tempted to "out" her to her husband just out of spite for her being so hateful.
That could not have been an easy letter to receive. I am sorry. You have quite a story. And you have definitely found a way to make it yours. I am sure it was complicated, but you appear to have come out of the process wise, open and grounded. congratulations. and, while I think it is very easy to intellectually understand that some people are just lame parents, it still stinks when they're yours.
(plain and simply..how could she not have even commented on your picture? or at least asked you about the poodle?)
Dear Lorrie
Boy...what a shocker! I believe that your birth mother did the best thing for you, and gave you up to a family who love and cherish you. I also believe you have done the right thing in trying to find some answers to your past, and putting this dragon to bed. You certainly were kind about your birth mother in your version of what happened, and I can only hope that those are the memories you can keep for you and your beautiful girls.
Thank you for your beautifully written letters, you are a wordsmith!
Regards
Micheala
Brisbane, Australia
A lurker coming out to comment. I now truly understand why you don't tell your kids that their birth parents loved them. Thank you for your account of her life and your bravery in publishing this letter.
You have been very kind to your birthmother in your account. I wish she could see it. And I'm not sure how I would handle the curiosity re a sibling etc. I'm afraid I would be keeping an eye on the family.
You write beautifully and I thoroughly enjoy your blog.
Carrie, London UK
How terribly sad for both of you. For her, because she has never learned to accept the truth that she DID have a baby, no matter what the circumstances; and for you because you deserved a kinder, more caring response than what she gave you. She is still living a lie and that must be terribly hard.
I am impressed with your kindness, your ability to forgive, and your determination to make things different for your own 2 girls.
Lorrie,
long-time lurker, first-time poster here.I am so sorry that your birthmother chose to deal with you this way...to receive such a letter was certainly a difficult and painful experience.
I am an adoptee myself and only found out when my birth mother was searching for me...I then wanted to meet birthfather and tried to locate him via the officials...I got back a 3-sentence letter that stated that he "wished me a good life but did not want to see me". That was quite hurtful.
This being said; I still think that your bio mom maybe did not want to cause you any harm,IMHO lots of the things she wrote to you just reflect her coping mechanisms in a situation that was doubtlessly very painful and ambivalent for her. Obviously, she has her limitations...otherwise she would probably not have made those decisions...and i am not so sure any more if one should blame her for this. Some people are strong, some obviously are not, and i am sorry that your bio mom seems to fall into the latter category.
BTW, your blog is great!
Karinsamira
This is so interesting to me. I'm such a Nosy Parker. I don't read "uncaring" in that letter; I read "naked terror." You probably caused her to go into a state of high anxiety for weeks. She's probably freaked out to this day. My own mother, who is probably older than this lady, but still a woman of that era, has all kinds of weird hangups about privacy. She was married before my dad and divorced, and she was ridiculously ashamed of it. If she had had her way, I never would have known. My dad finally told me when I was 12, because my mom was totally stressed about about me FINDING OUT HER UNMENTIONABLE SHAME!!! She acted like she'd committed murder or something, for god's sake. I just shrugged and was like, "And...?" I think you've put yourself in this lady's shoes, Lorrie, and I, like everyone else commenting, commend you for being so well-adjusted and rational about this. You are a remarkable person. And yeah, you CLEARLY didn't get the writing skill from her. Gads.
I agree with Jane. I think you have done an amazing job of understanding what it was like in your birthmother's shoes--the terror, the ignorence and the shame.
It is sad to think that she never got beyond being terrified. In many ways, what an insecure person--I mean, she's married to the man nearly 30 years and she has to be afraid that him finding out she was the victim of date rape would kill their marriage. YIKES!!!
But stories like yours [and my own with an abandoning father] are why I have not used the word "love" with my kids when talking about their birth families. I stick to the facts--that the birthfamilies couldn't take care of a baby, that they wanted them to be safe and that child ended up in SWI X.
But I don't mention love.
I also see just unbridled terror in her letter. It is sad-- and I honestly think she gets that. That comment about maybe some day she will be able to be different I think points to her understanding that there are other ways to deal with her feelings about you. I also love the "no secrets" thing about her husband. Umm... yeah.
She is terrified, and that blots out everything else. Sad for her. I am glad to see that you have managed to make it not so terribly sad for you. She did the right thing, in the long run, I suppose-- because she got you some great parents who really could and did love you. Just what you deserve.
This is a truly amazing story. It is your story. I think it shows courage on your part to be able to share it in this way. I hope it helps to heal old wounds. As for the woman who gave you life, I am sorry for her. I do understand that times were different then and even now many older women do not feel as open and empowered as our generation, but it is still very sad that she believes that she must miss out on one of life's most precious gifts, the life of a child (adult or otherwise). This is her loss, I'm afraid. Thanks as always for being confident and open enough to share this amazing journey.
Its a tribute to the way your folks raised you that you can deal with this letter and not be totally neurotic. Even if it took you a while to get there.
Miss Cellania
Another longtime lurker coming out -
I agree with the others who said it sounds like she's terrified. I feel so bad that you had to get hit with that letter, and also bad that she felt she needed to write you such a letter. I can't imagine the tension and fear she must have lived with for decades on end - did ANYONE except her uncle ever know? I mean, if she can't tell her husband who she has "no secrets from" ... I hope she's gotten a chance since to unburden her soul. (If she were Catholic, this would be a good topic for the confessional - not that getting date raped/having a baby from it is wrong but because that way she could absolutely sure that it would never, ever be leaked to the neighbours/family/spouse).
I also have to wonder if maybe she's changed since 1992. Any chance she could have learned to use the net? Maybe she'd want to read a certain blog ...
Thanks for sharing this. I see the human and honest side to your birth mother's note. But, the note is what it is to the reader, and most important to you.
It's very generous of you to let us see that side of your story. Thanks.
Thank you for bringing your story full circle. So hard for your mother, but harder still for you to reconcile all the pieces. Others have said, and I've read on your blog, that your adoptive family is your support. They sound absolutely wonderful, and I'm glad you have them.
One last thanks - for showing that mothers and adoptees are individuals, that there's no single experience that fits all. Maybe this is one of the problems with talking about adoption - we're all too close to it, and can never step back and view it objectively.
Lorrie--Thanks so much for sharing this. I have been fascinated by this series of posts, and at the same time so pained by it that I haven't known what to say. I also have not used the "I'm sure your birthparents loved you" line with my daughters because it seems wrong in several ways. Your experience really helps me understand other sides of the adoption triad.
Wow! Don't know if you needed contact with her, or whether you resent her stance. Easy to poke holes in her policy. But I see just another raw human being trying to cope.
How sad for her, really. It's clear she feels like she could "lose everything" if anybody finds out she's "damaged goods" or something. What a really horrible way to look at yourself.
Wouldn't it be really interesting to know if the uncle had pulled her husband aside before the wedding and clued him in and he was always just a big enough person to handle it and still let her have her secret?
Sad that her "no secrets" manifesto is a delusion. It surely wasn't something she could keep from her obstetrician later on; either way a baby gets out, your body tells the tale for LIFE. It's too bad her psyche was so scarred.
I've been fascinated by this series on your blog!
I've not read the other comments here, so I hope I'm not too redundant. Reading her letter to you was difficult for me, because it is what I imagined would come in my mail. Fortunately, (I think,) my birth mother was much more receptive when I contacted her. In fact I am leaving in December to drive cross country to meet her. Best of luck to you.
Warmest regards,
Robert
I have loved your story and how you told it.
I see her as very conflicted. After all, why did she say, "Give me more time", why did she say, "If you must write, elude to being an old high school friend", "Maybe some day I can change", "I will try to find a friend to use as a contact"?
She could have just left it at the no more letters point.
It's sad that she says she has no secrets from her husband, when something so very life-altering is being hidden. I like the idea of the uncle pulling her husband aside at the wedding...
But it was an amazing story, and thank you.
This is very sad - and I think the way you've dealt with it is brave. But don't you think it's a bit unfair to post her real name and identifying details? Anyone Googling her could find this. Makes me wonder if you are really dealing with it as well as you think. Good luck.
Your story is so touching. You know, you should try to publish a book sooner or later, because people would really benefit from reading about all the wonderful things you've done and think. I hope your life will remain as interesting and adventurous (is that how it's spelled?) as it is now!
Looking forward to read more!
A new fan
'Hell Even Animals Vomit Elsewhere, Not Nearby Our Streets, Essholes.'
Hilary, that is not her real name. I would never violate her privacy. I do not wish to cause any grief to her. That is why I have not contacted her again.
Hey Lorrie, thanks for your comment. :) And I enjoyed reading your story, too. I've always sort of wondered what would happen in that kind of scenario. Pretty wild stuff.
I enjoyed reading this last account. My adopted brother contacted his mother, in Germany, and was not able to make contact (Alzheimer's). I am in the process of looking for my mother, although it might be too late. So, timely was your post, and much to think about. Thanks for stepping out there and letting us into your life.
I enjoy reading your posts! All of them! Keep it up. I like the book idea.
Bill
Thank you so much for sharing your story with us. As a prospective adoptive parent, and a former adolescent who was "jealous" of chosen (adopted) children, you have really given me new insights.
Thank you.
Thank you so much for sharing such an intimate part of yourself with the world. It gives another side to this wild thing called adoption.
I have to ask (and feel free to email me) what do you tell your girls about their first moms? I'm so at a loss as to what to tell my son about his Mom. I so desperately want to do right by both of them.
Julie, I can't email you. Blogspot just sends me your comment but doesn't provide an email address to respond to.
I tell the girls that their birth families could not take care of them and that's why we are. Also I tell them that they can talk about it with me any time they want. I keep it low key and manner of fact.
Feel free to email me directly if you want to talk more.
She wouldn't want your letter to fall inot teh hands of her husband from whom she keeps no secrets? Huh?
She thinks meeting her would confuse YOU? Huh?
Huh? Huh? Huh?
Given this letter, I think you did a great job imagining her diary. You got the voice down well.
What a great series. Thanks so much for writing it and sharing it. I would print them out and read them at night so I could focus on them and not skim (as one is ought to do when reading on a computer).
You have a talent for writing. You should look into that.
Keep smilin!
I found you by accident from another mommy blog and I think it's so random that you've written about your birth mother when I'm looking for mine. Like another commenter, it was a little difficult for me to get thru your letter from her because that is something I imagine receiving one day myself. I still remain hopeful if I ever find my birth mother that she at least gives me the story, if she doesn't want a relationship with me. What's odd is that a good friend of hers from just before I was born found me online and I did get to hear a little more about her and the qualities she has that I have. Some interesting and touching insights so far, but it's very scary still being so close and still so far away. I keep thinking if she's anything like me, my mother would want to know what I'm like and want to get to know me, but there are no guarantees.
I'm sorry your birth mom has said she doesn't yet want to know you. You are obviously an amazing and strong woman. But at least for me, sometimes I view my bio mom as just the vessel who was to deliver me to my 'real' parents.. like she was more doing a job than fulfilling the role of a parent. That helps me anyway.
Take care!
De-lurking to say I'm sorry - so sorry - that this was the response you got from your biological mother.
I can't even begin to imagine how it made you feel, or how she could write those words.
I'm sorry...
Thank you for this whole series of posts. I appreciate your willingness to share this part of your story.
I am so thankful you were raised by the people you were. Parents who so totally wanted you in their lives.
Thank you for sharing this with us. Perhaps not the ending you wanted, but at least you know now and that, I hope, feels better than not knowing.
Anna
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