The best babies from the best orphanages!
This was the gist of a post on A-Parents-China (the email list for prospective China adoptive parents) back in the day when I was waiting to adopt. I cannot tell you of an email, before or since, that has meant more to me than that one. China only picks the best babies from the best orphanages for the lucky Americans!!
"The best babies, best orphanages," I'd chant to myself as I was driving to work, filling out forms, washing my face, scrubbing the floor, mowing the lawn, painting the nursery, polishing my shoes, or picking up another salad from McDonald's.
I wrapped myself in rosy dreams as I wrote check after check after check. It never occurred to me that my baby would have the slightest problem. She'd be beautiful, brilliant, and present absolutely no real problems..... Our lives would unfold in a haze of joy as we tenderly clutched hands and listened to the paens of praise from all who would have the privilege of encountering the wonder child...her teacher would write "Harvard Bound!" on her straight A report cards....
would you hate me if i confessed that so far, the dream has come true...?
The only reason I'm writing this post is because today the world of China adoptions is a grim, grim place to be.
In seven years, the conventional wisdom has changed from "the best babies" to a place that is dark and dreary. All babies adopted from orphanages should be considered special needs, they say. Expect and be prepared for the worst. Months, years of catching up. Early intervention. Speech delays. Physical delays. Bonding problems.
All I can tell you is what our kids were like.
ATTACHMENT
I kind of got the feeling that Madeleine was nervous for the first, oh, six months? Kind of like we were on a blind date that we had both hoped would be good, but when it looked good, we were both kind of thinking that it might, um, turn out the way most blind dates turn out.
Meredith was very happy and cuddly from the start but we went through some rough adjustments at first. We got back from China on Saturday and she went to work with me on Monday because it was finals week and I had to administer exams. She got the idea that life in America was one big party with people gasping in adoration every second, and the next week she was stuck with just me, and it wasn't pretty.
LET'S GET PHYSICAL
Physically, they hit their marks pretty much on time--I guess. I didn't pay much attention to the lists in What To Expect for fear that "picks up tiny object with fingers" would be the 16th month instead of the 18th month. They walked, talked, potty trained, what months--I couldn't even tell you. By that time Reality had begun to hit the email lists and I sort of hid my head in the sand and hoped for the best. They looked like they were keeping up with their cousins ok. Highly scientific, I know.
ACADEMIC
Academically, Madeleine has done well and Meredith finished her 60 readers right on time with the rest of her kindergarten class...
I cross my fingers, avoid spitting into the wind, and hope for the best. I follow the blogs of my friends in the computer and pray for their children, some of whom are fighting some hard and lonely battles.
For us, it has been..to quote a friend..."totally doable." Sheer luck, I know.
But my friends, I hope the same for you if you follow your heart onto a plane bound for Guangzhou.
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5 comments:
Well we have only been home 3 months and so far, so good. Thanks for the a-bit- longer-than-3-months insight!
I think perhaps what is happening is a.) *tons* more public blogs- more awareness of the spectrum of issues that can occur b.) more children being adopted, higher probablity there will be at-risk issues.
I think it's good that more potential aparents are aware of the risks. This rash of public "returning" has been the impetus for what I think is valuable preadopt discourse.
Marla
That awareness can go both ways. I wasn't online when we adopted from China, so all I went on was info from the agency, who said to be ready for anything. They also said don't worry about milestones, don't compare your child with others, and take joy in what you've got, however it turns out to be. That was good advice.
My children are also perfect. And like you, I avoid saying that so as not to hurt others.
Thanks so much for sharing your experiences with cross country adoption. This is an avenue we are exploring and I know absolutely nothing about it, although we are still in the very earliest of phases and still hoping we can conquer infertility. I'm sure you've been there :o)
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