Road Map to Acceptance

This is a book review for Mother Talk. I have received a free book. I am donating it to a friend who is a special ed teacher.

The book is Road Map To Holland, and I specifically requested it because I enjoy reading stories of women far more...well...everything..than I am. Nicer. Better mothers. Why? Read on.

When I was back in those long ago fertile years when it actually seemed possible to, you know, get pregnant after engaging in thatspecialthingthatmenandwomendowhentheyreallyreallyloveeachotherandarepreferablyjoinedtogetherina committmentceremony..... Oops!! Can you tell I've been spending time around children? Can you tell that I can't actually talk dirty any more unless I'm locked in my bedroom after homework and Madeleine's daily 46 phone calls (now to one person at a time), when all I want to do is sleep? Anyway, I digress. I told a friend that if I became pregnant, I wanted prenatal screening, then a brand new and very expensive option for expectant mothers.

"Oh!" she said. "So, if there's a problem, you can prepare for it?" I just looked at her for a minute, trying to figure out that statement, until it dawned on me that she thought I'd keep the baby. I'd have had an abortion that same day, if possible. Now, after experiencing the miracle of life and seeing fingernails and heartbeats on ultrasounds and all that, I'd have the baby and put the baby up for adoption.

No, I wouldn't keep a child with Down syndrome, so I was interested to see what Jennifer Graf Groneberg had to say about her baby. He was born both premature and with Down, while his twin was born premature without Down.

Here's the deal.

For better or for worse, I was raised with parents who valued the life of the mind greatly. Parents who started talking about Phi Beta Kappa while I was watching Captain Kangaroo. (I'm not kidding). A B.A. degree was, for them, the equivalent of finishing the 8th grade for most families. The next question was which master's degree did you intend to pursue first, and did you intend to get one or two before you began work on your PhD. I decided to shortcut that and get a Juris Doctor. That kept them off my back.

I decided that I would not give them grandchildren who I knew up front could not follow in their academic footsteps (four generations of doctors and M.A. candidates (my aunt wrote her graduate thesis entirely in French back in 1935). I could barely memorize French verbs so this impressed me more than it should have, I guess. I wouldn't throw a child with learning difficulties out into the snow, but I would not take a child into my family knowing that they would experience them. That's me. Right? Wrong? Snobby? I cannot wipe out 18 years of brainwashing as easily as I wiped my countertop yesterday.

Am I raising my children this way? Not really. College is presented as a must, the natural step after high school. However, after seeing many four year, heck, two year college graduates be faaaar more successful than I am, I am leaving any further education options up to them.

But I digress. Anyway, I was interested to see what Jennifer Graf Groneberg did when she found that her son had Down syndrome. The book is a story of his first two years on the planet and her shock, dismay, and later on, acceptance.

It is beautifully written without being pretentious. Jennifer has the gift of writing seemingly ordinary prose yet making it sound interesting without dressing it up with headlights and flashiness. I read each page eagerly, waiting for the next drama to begin.

She's honest about her exhaustion dealing with fragile premature twins and her and disappointment after learning of her son's diagnosis. She's honest about her next door neighbor who avoided her as if Jennifer had posted a "Measles. Quarantine" sign on her door. Even I know that Down's is not contagious. I hope the neighbor wasn't revolted but simply unsure what to say. Congratulations? Gosh, glad it's you and not me!....Who knows.

It's not a story with a big flashy ending, because it's impossible to know what a 2 year old can do. Jennifer makes it clear though that she has worked through the initial angst and has found joy in her son, and confidence in his future, whatever it is.

There's a young lady in Japan with Downs' who has actually earned a four year college degree from an accredited university but that is an exception to the rule. Regardless of the internet superstars, most Downs children are retarded, ranging from moderately to severe. We don't know what Avery will become but by the end of the book I'm convinced that Jennifer and her family will love him and will be able to cope. I'm impressed by both her writing and Jennifer herself.