October 10, 1992

So now we're standing face to face,

Isn't this world a crazy place,

Just when I thought my chance had passed,

You went and saved the best for last.

-"Save The Best For Last," Vanessa Williams

our first dance

Fourteen years, y'all.

Hormone Crazed, Hysterical, Self Righteous, Emotional, Deranged Soccer Mom

Just a few of the loving labels directed at me when I posted my opinion of the Mark Foley scandal on a popular conservative blog.

And I hate soccer.

I don't usually blog politics, because of several reasons. First of all, I've noticed that political bloggers tend to get called a lot of names. Secondly, I can't imagine that my opinions would be of interest to anyone out there. Thirdly, and most importantly, my opinions are pretty much all over the place.

My parents were/are righteous Republicans, and once I saw the tax bite on my first paycheck I generally tended to vote Republican cherishing the wistful hope that eventually the large sum of money deducted from my earnings would somehow magically decrease; I'm still waiting. Daddy worshipped Rush Limbaugh; he taped several hundred of his shows. I once sent Rush a self addressed stamped envelope explaining that my father was his biggest fan and asking for an autographed picture to give to Daddy for his birthday. Rush never responded, and probably used my stamp to order more prescription drugs or something, so Rush, you're DEAD to me.

I wish Daddy was alive so that we could engage a good throwdown argument about the war. I have a feeling that he'd be all for it, and I'm personally trying to figure out why we've lost more Americans than died on 9/11 and 1/3 of a trillion dollars fighting a war against a country where all the 9/11 hijackers came from...well, except for none.

Anyway, the Mark Foley scandal has jolted me out of my political lurkdom for just a few minutes. Myrna Blyth said it all, and better than I could, in this article.

Ms. Blyth pointed out that women, regardless of their party affiliation, are outraged at the Republican leaders turning a blind eye to the fact that one of their own was cruising teenage boys. Maybe it's because we are better people. Maybe we have a more highly developed sense of morals. Or maybe it's because some of us have...and I apologize if this makes me a deranged hormone crazed hysterical soccer mom....innocent children who might want to be pages themselves one day?

Here's the thing. I was once a teenage page myself, albeit on the state level. I didn't have any great connections. I lucked into it because I babysat for the governor's secretary who very kindly got me an internship in his office, then I went on to work at the state house part time almost all the way through law school. I loved it.

I have no titillating tales to tell you though and I think the attached picture ought to convince you that no congressperson, male or female, ever hit on me.* Coke bottle glasses, bad perm, complete dorkiness, yeah, that pretty much insured that nobody was asking for my measurements or anything. My bosses were perfect gentlemen. Gov. James B. Edwards once asked me to remove an ERA YES button that I wore to work (Republicans were apparently against that, who knew? Yes. C-L-U-E-L-E-S-S. Say it with me, bros and sisters). Sen. Hyman Rubin once asked me to please not park my 1971 VW in his parking space. Sen. Rubin was my boss, and such a wonderful man. I sent him Christmas cards for years before it occurred to me that he was, in fact, Jewish. Yes. C-L-U-E....

But I'll tell ya one thing and you can take it to the bank along with the dessicated remains of your paycheck after the tax-and-spend crowd get ahold of it....

Everybody knows everything about everybody in politics.

That's what they DO, people! They gossip! Night and day! Day and night!

Do you really think that the titans of the Republican party were limited in their knowledge to what allegedly came through official channels?

Do you really think that Foley limited his, um, interest in hot young male pages to emails and IMs?** Because we all know that sexual predators usually just fantasize about it, never actually do anything.

Do you think that the idea of my teenage daughters getting hit on by 52 year old congressmen while Republican party leaders turn a blind eye to same makes me want to smile serenely and caress the tattoo of an elephant that I have close to my heart?

Or do you think that it makes me want to go all Lorena Bobbitt?

* A lovely commenter wants to know the story of how I got hot. I wish I was! But thank you. In those days I never wore makeup and the glasses were horrifying. I still wear glasses, but they look cooler. I have had liposuction and plastic surgery on my nose. Also, I dye my hair.
**So now the Pubs are claiming that it's all ok because the age of consent in DC is 16. No problem! I'll just remind the girls to pack lots of condoms.

Bad Poetry

My mom always encouraged me to "write a poem" about things that happened in my life, resulting in the death of a whole forest of trees, sacrificed on the altar of my ghastly poetry. I have hugged a tree to apologize. I usually resist the urge to share, but sometimes the feelings just come welling up with the force of a batch of organic spinach infested with e.coli. This is one of those times. I promise I won't do it again...soon. (evil chuckle)

Sung to "Turn, Turn, Turn"

To everything, turn, turn, turn
There is a season, turn, turn, turn
And a computer for every pervert
on the planet.

A time to yearn
For youthful thighs
A time to email
With wistful sighs

Won't you let me
Slip off your jeans
You look so cute
You're in my dreams...

Now everything, spin, spin, spin,
It's just sex, denials begin,
We didn't know, we didn't see
Business must proceed...orderly!

It's just a plot
To bring the Pubbies down
A poor misunderstood man
Had to leave town.

As a mother let me say,
You're making no new friends this way,
Don't deny your negligence
Ignorance is no defense.

I'll pull the lever Democrat
Though ancestors toss their grave.
Children must not be molested.
Our country must be saved.

The Seven Stages Of International Adoption

1. WE'RE FINALLY GOING TO BE PARENTS!!! happy happy joy joy happy happy

2. Friend One: "Oh, you're so wonderful for doing this!"
Friend Two: "Shouldn't you stick to your own kind? I hear Russia has lots of little blue eyed blonde babies...."

3. Oh. My. God. Look at all those sad stories from adult adoptees.

4. My kids will hate me! I've ruined their lives...

5. I know. I'll just be frank, open, honest, and respectful. I know that I can make them see that I'll be a good parent. Here, let me just write a post/comment that shows how I'll plan to handle the problems that arise with a transracial adoptee....and how caring and understanding I am...

6. They still hate me! So will my kids! I wish I had gone to Russia instead.

7. Walk away. Resolve to honor child's birth culture every day, be frank, open, honest, and respectful when my child processes the sad and bewildering demons of international adoption and racism, and enjoy life.

Monday Morning Bitchin'

Good morning!

I'm feeling crabby today, but before we get to the bitching, a couple of updates...

The slumber party was a success, and the Jack Daniels/Diet Rite on the back porch (and a closed door between me and the little darlings) almost drowned out the terrified screams of her guests as Madeleine put a flashlight on her face and told scary ghost stories at midnight. More on this later.

Mark had us over to his house on Saturday night. He is getting through each day. The good news is that he has 90 sick leave days and the doctor wrote him a note excusing him for a month. He may not need it but he has it. I am glad.

Meredith is back in 1st grade. You may recall that she was "reassigned" back to the Montessori preschool program several days ago. Her ex-classmates wistfully yearned for 1. Meredith or 2. No homework, you take your pick. Several of them requested to be reassigned back to the Montessori Classroom Of No Homework And Meredith. So she was brought back, and made an 80 on her spelling test on Friday. The words were changed to be a little easier.

Here are a few things that piss me off.

Homeschooling mothers with atrocious grammar and spelling skills. I just about loose my mind when I see homeschooling mother’s blog's who don’t seem to know the basic rules of grammar, spelling and punctuation. (Promiscuous use of the apostrophe's drives me to the brink). Yeah, don't email me with my spelling errors. I pay fine young women and men who have obtained expensive college educations and passed grueling tests a pretty penny to educate my children.

Shouldn't you have to demonstrate some sort of competency to homeschool? I hate to get the Nanny State involved in more aspects of our lives, and I don't think that a certain level of formal education is required to successfully homeschool, but if you can't write the Queen's English, you shouldn't homeschool.

People who don’t wear their hearing aids. There’s an old guy at work who refuses to wear his hearing aids and all of my witty bon mots fall on, literally, deaf ears. Nothing worse than saying something that causes the rest of the room to break into laughter (at me, or with me? I’m not saying) and the person I was saying it to looks up and says “Huh?”

People who forward emails without deleting the original headers.This is the same person who, many years ago, took a private email I had sent him linking to an article pointing out that Hitler was a vegetarian and fiercely anti cigarettes and forwarded it to everybody on campus. Thank the Good Lord Above that I hadn’t included any obnoxious remarks in the forward.

And then he had the nerve to ask me last month if I could forward him the article again!

People who stick ther heads in my office door and say incomprehensible things. There’s this guy at work who stuck his head in my door and said “I think all students should have to give their Pell (financial aid) checks to me.” and then wiggled his eyebrows a/la Groucho Marx. It was clear that he thought it was a dreadfully witty thing to say, but it made no sense at all.

Apparently he does this to everybody.

The other day, “Republicans mostly wear wigs, I think.”

Just. Go. Away.

White adoptive parents who apologize to adult asian adoptees for adopting asian children. Look, I get it, KADs (Korean adult adoptees who were adopted by white parents back in the 60s and 70s. Many are angry at white adoptive parents of asian children. Very, very, very angry). Your adoption was a tragic error. You're the innocent victim of a great geo-political conspiracy. Asian orphans would be better off growing up in an orphanage or dying on the streets. (There are actually people on the Net who write things like this). White parents are the Antichrist, Great Satan, Imperialists, yada.

Fine. Rant away. I’m an angry adoptee sometimes myself, although I gather that since I share race with my parents I’ve lost all my street cred, yo. You have some legitimate grievances and I shall always make sure that my children are connected to their homeland.

But why…why in the name of all that is good, and holy, and pure, and true…why do white parents adopting asian kids hang around email lists and blogs for daily, weekly, monthly, yearly doses of the hatin’.

They hate us, people! There is nothing you can do to redeem yourself! You, The Great Satan, are an Transracial Abductee!

If you try to give your baby exposure to their birth culture you’re fakin’ it and making a fool of yourself “pretending to be Asian.”

If you DON’T try to give your baby any exposure to their birth culture, well, please, stop reading this blog and kill yourself IMMEDIATELY.

Trying to appease an angry KAD is like trying to convert a shark into a vegetarian. Just give up and send your kid back to their home country.

Make sure to poke some airholes in the box used for shipping, okay?